Opinions

So it turns out I have some weird ideas about my image as a woman, and I never knew I had these ideas! One of them I had mentioned before: Hetero penetrative sex.

Charlie on Pregnancy (personally)

Right now, I can't see myself having children--in the future, even. Sure, aside from being beautiful and wonderful, there's probably a lot of fulfillment and pride and other great things... But me--Charlie--pregnant? I feel that would only propagate the idea that women are factories for creating more humans.

People see pregnant women all the time and--though maybe this is a bit of a stretch--the sight of a pregnant woman causes people to stop and think about pregnancy and creation of new humans. I think it's MUCH more rare for someone to see a non-pregnant woman and think, "Oh look, there's a woman who isn't pregnant!" and think about women and how they could be non-pregnant.

Another thing: in a couple joined in civil union, there's an expectation to have a child--by birth or adoption, or what have you, but there's a cultural expectation, I think. And if a couple goes long enough without children, the norm is to ask, "Are they infertile?" "Don't they want kids?" "What's wrong with them?"

Whenever that question--"What's WRONG with them?"--is asked, there is usually a lot of assumption going on. Here the assumption is: it is normal to have children, it is normal to want to have children. Thus, a couple that has not conceived must have either some physical defect, or some mental defect for not wanting to procreate.

So, by becoming pregnant, I further the image and idea of women as carriers of new humans; and further the normality and expectancy of pregnancy in women. So.... Charlie won't be pregnant--at least, for a LONG time!


Charlie on Hetero Penetrative Sex (HPS)

HPS is gross and unfair. As a woman, there is no sex organ (long enough) I can use to penetrate--invade the internal space of--a man's orifice(s). As a woman, I cannot derive the same physicality of pleasure that a man can derive, by sticking a body part into someone else.

There is an invasion of personal space--even if there is consent, in HPS, I as a woman would be receiving the (repeated) entry of another person into the confines of my body.

I guess I want to "level the playing field". There is this sex toy I've seen, the Feeldoe (http://images.google.ca/images?q=feeldoe), used for girl-on-girl penetrative sex. One end goes into the vagina of the penetrating woman, who holds it in place with her muscles. There are little nubbies that ride along her clit (which is the female analogue to the male's head of the penis). The other end goes into the woman to be penetrated, like a penis would in HPS. I like this idea--especially about stimulating the clit, because it simulates (maybe) the feeling of penetration--ie, the nubbies on the clit imitates the sensation that the head of the penis gets from being inserted and withdrawn repeatedly.

Woots.



Thoughts

I used to be mysterious. I used to be so involved in myself that I didn't care about anyone else--and people were drawn to me! I guess I started taking that for granted, because I'm beginning to lose more of myself to others. Well, I was worried I had, but maybe that worry isn't as justified now as it was then.

I used to be such a Scorpio. I don't mind Scorp--except for the crazy sex drive. It drives me nuts sometimes and I need to keep it in check.

But now? I don't know what's happened. After the Summer of Eric, I deconstructed myself and tried to start anew. I don't know how much I rebuilt after tearing down, but it seems to have held so far. I'm a bit wary right now, though, that perhaps the foundation was less sound than I'd thought. It's always hard to.....remake oneself, since we are continually adding new bits, and perhaps even losing old bits.


So, this guy...

So this guy, he's an interesting fellow, something like Neek, but more...compassionate. Neek is a justified asshole. SW is.... he cares.

Hah, I'd mentioned to SW... There's a scene in Heroes where Peter meets Matt for the first time, and Matt tries to read Peter's mind, but Peter starts mimicking his ability and there's this feedback sound like you get with mics. I imagine that's what SW meeting Neek would be like!


SW

I dunno! I've already told him I like him; and he's said he likes me at least a bit more than as a friend... But he doesn't want to get into a relationship until he sorts some stuff out--which I think is noble and honest of him.

But... I dunno?

I feel very comfortable with him--which is good and bad. I trust him entirely too much for not knowing him. And, I guess this is where the "mysterious Charlie" thoughts come in--like, I used to be him. It's pretty freaky. Had I decided that [things] were important to me and decided to pursue them, I might have turned into SW. Crazy!

But that's another thing, he's young--not much younger, mind, but...maybe young enough. And I think I'm sick of waiting for people to grow up. But I'm waiting for....something anyway, so I may as well wait for another thing? I don't know...

Besides the familiar "me" in SW, there's something else familiar about him--something that reminds me of Eric vaguely. Not that SW is necessarily similar to Eric, but something reminds me of him. Argh.


Relationships?

I've been thinking about polygamy again, and--if I'm honest with myself--I can admit that I'm a jealous person. I also enjoy positions of authority and power--not necessarily for the sake of dominating others, but it feels....good within me. Like, "I am a full human being, I am as I am, I am fully myself, I am wholly myself, I satisfy/sustain/fulfil/enjoy myself..." -sort of thing. But I do also enjoy being in positions of power so I can better care for others, and I suppose, for security...

SW is a giver. I am a giver. But I think SW is more practised in giving and enjoys it more than I, so he would hold that position more easily.

Giving is easy--in some respects, I'm talking very generally in terms of what it requires of character to give. Receiving is less easy. Receiving requires grace and...a knack for making the other feel appreciated. I lack grace, generally. About the most graceful I can get is Milonga del Angel (Astor Piazzolla) on a good day and when my fingers are sufficiently warmed-up.

But that skill of receiving is perhaps more useful? In giving, I make the other feel good. In receiving, I can get AND make the other feel good. ...My old self would take advantage of this. Me, I don't know.


I've been sitting on my arse too long. Time to do something else.
--Charlie

Tiny confession

When I was 11 or 12, I had a friend who invited me to join the Terry Fox Run on a cool September morning. We took our bikes downtown, and the route was an unremarkable three kilometres that had us expecting an exciting deviation or hill or dramatic curve in the road--there never was. However, at the end of the event, a tent had been set up for runners and cyclists to have back or leg massages, so we went there.

My friend got a back massage, and I figured I'd get my legs done.

Since I'd thought the route would be longer and I might work up a sweat, I'd worn a scrap of a tank top and embarrassingly short shorts. The masseuse didn't seem to mind.

I lay myself down, face first into the massage table, and she began on my ankles, working herself deliberately up my calves and backs of my knees. She moved both hands to my right leg then, where the thighs join the knee. I remember my 12 year-old self thinking how pleasant and personal--perhaps too personal--this felt--but, I reassured myself, she's a professional.

She worked her way up my thigh, slowly, right up to the bottom lip of my shorts, and by then I was getting hot and bothered. But, no no, I said again, she knows what she's doing; and so she remained working on the muscles just below where my shorts ended.

Then, slowly, she slipped under the fabric.

This caught me off guard and I was in an immediate panic, thinking OH MY GOD IS THIS OKAY TO DO? But progress was slow, careful and at every stroke prepared to cease at my refusal. But no refusal came. So she slid up again, working deeper into the tissue and provoking my senses further.

It got to the point where I had to clench to stop myself from gyring at her touch. I remember wanting to grind my hips into the table for release from all that pressure building up. And, all at once, I was over the edge--not by much, but just far enough--and for an instant, I was hefted up, suspended just high enough my feet caught air--my hips seized, some muscles contracted, and I crashed down as lightly as I'd been lifted. It was a tiny orgasm, and if I'm honest with myself, that was my first.

The masseuse then worked on my left leg, with no such repetition.



Why?!

I'm not entirely sure why I recalled this just now. A few things are on my mind:
1. I'm bisexual--at least, and at most, transgendered;
2. I've only been with men, never with women, even since coming out;
3. a co-worker of mine is terribly nervous, but "Oh god, he melts like chocolate in your hands" when I gave him a shoulder rub once;
4. I'm going for a massage in two hours; and
5. I would dearly love to get drunk and have unplanned make-outs with girls.

I guess that's enough to bring up memories...

Yeah... I wonder how much significance that event had on my life... my first ever orgasm was while getting a massage... from a lady... Huh...

--Charlie

Sexual Identity

Identity

An interesting train of thought hit me this morning. It's something I've thought about in the past, but never really...explored. It's about sexual identity, sort of.

First, assume that preference is not the only factor in sexual identity. I'm going to say the factors of Preference, Gender and Biological Sex are important and I'll deal with only these for now.

Preference is who you prefer. This can be basic as the biological sex of the person, or as complex as the person's internal workings.

Gender is self-identification, who you think or feel you are on the inside. I'll use words like "masculine" and "feminine" to describe gender.

Biological Sex is arguably the simplest to understand, but difficult to explain where "male" ends and "female" begins because of so many genetic variations. For the most part, this is determined by primary sex characteristics: what's in your pants. Biological males have penises and biological females have clits and vaginas. There's always variation, too, and I'm not sure how to call a person with both or neither, so for simplicity's sake, I'm going to use words like "male", "female" and "other". Sorry people-who-fit-into-this-and-might-take-offense.


So, who is Charlie?

I'm biological female. That one's easy enough for me to identify. I've got a vag and a clit.

I'm attracted to both males and females of all kinds. I've known that for a few years now and have been out for about three years.

Gender is the hard part for me define, but I'm hoping that the effort of writing will help me organize this.


History

I remember when I was a little kid in grade school, sometimes I'd be sick and would stay home for the day. And being bedridden, I'd watch whatever was on television. Usually, this meant soap operas, and although I was upset with the lack of cartoons, I'd stick some of them out.

I don't remember what the show was, but one time, I saw the end of an episode. What my young mind gathered was this: there was a man, and there was this "beautiful" woman (I knew she was "beautiful" because she had long blonde hair and was wearing a flowing red dress). The man had done something that the beautiful woman didn't like. But he was enamoured of her. The woman was sly: she waited for the man to let his guard down and then killed him--or at least, it was implied by the way she sneaked into his room at night with a knife or firearm.

And I *remember* thinking to myself, This is great! Women are desired and powerful! And I'm going to grow up into one!

However, the other thought that occurred to me, not nearly as prominently, was that, perhaps, "women" are only powerful because they can manipulate the men who have the "real" power. This rather disturbed me and I didn't think about it too long.


However, I have another recollection of my wayful childhood.

I was watching Disney's Pocahontas for the first time. That must've been 1995, which put me at age seven.

There's a scene [Youtube] where Governor Ratcliffe is singing and walking down a flight of steps with these ladies lining the edges and cooing over him.

And this time, I thought, Oh, so "women" are a symbol of power and status. To have women fawn over your is a sign you're rich/powerful. (And the thought went even further) So, one day when I'm rich and powerful, I'll have ladies fawning over me!


I don't know how much that last thought played in the rest of my life. I didn't consciously think, I must attract ladies to me! But maybe it played a small part. Everything we remember must have played a part, yes?


So, those were my young thoughts of "women" and power and wealth. I say "women" with quotes because I don't think all women are necessarily like this. I mean a perception of women, not actual women.


So, gender.

I think, maybe, since seeing that bit from Pocahontas, I started to identify with men more.

Around grade seven (age 12), I started liking vampires and stuff. A lot of my drawings from that time show it (it's kind of embarrassing). Around the same time, something else started happening, and I'm not sure if the two are related or not.

I started "hearing voices".

That's about the easiest way I can put it. The weird thing was this "voice" wasn't external, it wasn't a strange voice, it was...familiar. And it would say all sorts of things, mostly about myself and my current situation; but, sometimes it would tell me about the very near future; and it was usually right. Granted, the "very near future" may have just fit under "my current situation", but it was still neat, and for this reason did I decide this voice was external.

That wasn't the only reason, though.

The voice was masculine. Eventually, a very real presence grew behind that voice. Sometimes I thought he was the Devil come to talk me out of Heaven. This character was very powerful, very alluring, and also, it seemed, very dangerous. Even now, I still entertain the possibility he's the Devil. But it seems mostly absurd now. I wonder if that's a bad thing...

After a while, I gave him a name--I won't reveal it here, but I'll give the nickname Cyan.

Cyan felt very much a part of my mind. It was as though he had no body and so rested in mine--he didn't take over it, but he could talk me into doing things--more accurately, what he'd say would make me react.

But enough about history.


Now

I've had this thought before: What if I'm a man on the inside?

When I first really considered the possibility I was bisexual, a whole new world opened up. I suppose it's comparable to looking at the types of characters you can make in RPGs.

"There are so many things I might be! I might be [this], but no, they have [this quality] which I don't have. Or [this], they have [this quality] which I have and like, but so does [this]..."

I didn't have to be a straight feminine female! It was a remarkable feeling, that I didn't have to be something. I had the freedom to not be something I didn't want!

Writing this, I'm having trouble explaining in a way that doesn't imply I could *choose* whom I was attracted to or such. I didn't just wake up and think, OMG I WANT TO LIKE WOMEN NOW, HURRRR. No, I woke up and thought, Alright so I actually do like women, what other assumptions do I have about myself, that might also be flawed?

And one of those assumptions was being "feminine" on the inside.

As an aside, no, I've never been terribly feminine to begin with. My only siblings are two much-older brothers, so maybe that influenced me. But my mom says I came out of the womb already my own person, stubborn and not willing to conform to the shape the world sets for little Chinese girls.


So, what have I been thinking this morning...

Let's assume I'm masculine inside. ...What now?

I'm still attracted to both male/masculine and female/feminine.
I'm still a giver.

The way I excite feels more comfortable. Less expectation, more enjoyment.

Do I want to change my body to be more male?
Superficially, yeah, a little. I mean, I would love to have that muscular chest/abs/arms combo going on. And chest hair would be freakin' awesome!

How about a penis?
...It'd be very interesting to have a functional penis. But I don't think I want to *change* my body to get one.

Why? If I'm really a man living in a woman's body, shouldn't I want the body to reflect what's inside?
I think I'm too afraid to. Parents would freak out. I'd have very little support; most of my friends would run away. I can only think of two definite people who would stick it through with me, and one of them, I'm not sure he'd be supportive of it. Just friendly-supportive.
And I think I'm naive enough to think that, if I stay in this body and go through all that frustration, one day, I'll find that soulmate who'll understand me.

Why do people dye their hair?
Because it looks better? Because they want to try it out? Because they think it would fit better with the rest of their bodies?
If the latter, then the implication is they know better than their Maker--than God.
"I know life would be better as a blonde. People will like me more. Blonde hair fits with my features better. It brings out my eyes." Whatever.

Why don't I dye my hair?
In all honesty, because Asians tend to look stupid (and ugly) with anything other than dark hair. Platinum-blonde Asians scare the shit out of me.
But I used to think, "Because this is what God gave me! Black hair!"
Then I chopped most of it off and I absolutely love it!
If I wanted to be a purist, I might've thought, "Well, since God gave me hair, I'll keep it all and never cut it." Then again, hair too long can prevent one from performing other tasks that make the most of God's gifts. I dunno!


Do I still think hetero penetrative sex is unfair, boring and kinda gross?
A little... But as a "man", the thought is more like "If my tool can give a lady pleasure, then I'd be happy to have hetero penetrative sex with her. But there are other ways, too."
I guess it's very different being on the other end.
I still think it's unfair, unless she were into strap-on dildos and giving me butt sex.
Man, what would I think of that?!
Being a bottom, I'd completely melt. Even as a "man", I'm not thrilled with receiving. I still think receiving (personally) is selfish.

What do I think of male-male sex involving myself?
HOT. Seriously, gay men know how to have fun! Still not sure how I'd feel being penetrated.

Do I think being penetrated as a man is better or worse than as a female?
If I'm completely honest with myself, I think anal is a little gross. But, it is more fair and I think that fairness could win over the slight disgust.



...Well, the rest will have to wait until I've eaten lunch. Or, breakfast.

--Charlie
(possibly a bisexual man living in a woman's body!)

Mixed Update

Bus Girl

There's a girl on the bus, Shannon. She's adorable; small Chinese girl, 24 years old, always curious or happy--she's got this way of speaking, as though everything is happy and positive. For the most part, she doesn't express negative emotions very well (unless she frowns, and then she looks so hateful), which makes it a little difficult to talk to her, but as long as I'm listening carefully, it shouldn't be a problem.

She says I'm charming. Tehee!


Me

I got a bra fitted the other day. It was in a tasteful "adult" shop; I liked the experience! I'm actually bigger and smaller than I thought! I'm a 34-C or D; and in some cases, 36-B or C. That was impressive. I never thought I'd be a D-cup; even a C-cup seemed generous.


Bible / Christianity

I'm reading through Matthew again--at least, I'm starting at Matthew, and I'm, hopefully, going to get through the entire New Testament consecutively this time. Last time, I finished the Sermon on the Mount, and went, "Hey, yeah!" and left it at that. I guess I'm partly scared I'll find something stupid/disagreeable. But I have to keep in mind it's People writing, not directly God. And context is confusing--it sucks that history gets more made-up as we go along.

Like... A long time ago, THIS was the way it was. A few generations later, it's forgotten, so the next generation researches it and records it in their own context. These are then used as research for more research. To understand context, you have to... I dunno, how does one understand context, if not taught it by someone else? I mean, to an extent, one can GO there, but even when there, things are different NOW than THEN. ... Augh.

So, what I'm scared I'll find is intolerance and hate or fear -mongering. I heard once that religions were made as rulebooks, because following rules actually changed one's consciousness, which is cool!

"Do not unto others unless you would have them do unto you." That's a nice place to start, action-wise. It's not as selfish as "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", but it conveys a similar message. It's more about respecting others than gratifying self. I like this version.


Photos

Our apple tree had blossoms! I got home from the bikeathon, and the branches were like green and white arms! View album here.

Also available for your viewing pleasure are old photos from the Piano Smash fundraiser. You may view them here.


Teaching

Augh. Been subbing for Calc lately; I know most of the kids by name already (which would be more impressive if there were more than ten).

Last day is tomorrow. Not sure I look forward to it, if it's with my regular class. But I really love those Calc kids!

Also! How cool is this? Leibniz cookies! Woots!

--Charlie!

Exercise, Women and Army

Exercise

Went for a jog/walk with Mark last night / this morning. Nine kilometres. It took roughly two hours or just under--hard to tell, since we didn't actually time it, and had to drive to/from the run.

Besides complaining and profaning, believing I couldn't continue, walking when I was supposed to be jogging and even more profaning, I think I did pretty okay! I mean, it was my first run since, what, grade ten, and it was nine friggin' kilometres. I used to think the 1600 metre run was rough!

We stopped at a park so I could do chin-up negatives (hold the chin-up position as long as possible, letting my body ease down as slowly as possible; break; repeat) and monkey-bar ab crunches.

Last night at Army, I read through the Army Fitness Manual. Man, that's useful stuff!

There were only a few nit-picky things that I didn't like, or found interesting:

• It speaks about females in......an interesting way:

  Specific Guidance for Training Female Soldiers
  
  Land Force Command recognizes that some female soldiers may have specific concerns about training and preparation for the AFS. It is well known that, generally, women do not have the same aerobic capacity as men, nor are they as strong, especially in the upper body. These differences in physical performance are due in large part to differences in body size and composition.
  
  However, women’s bodies respond to aerobic and strength training programmes in similar ways to men’s. Thus, the Army Fitness Programme is designed to accommodate and prepare all soldiers for the AFS. To help with this, three load options are provided in the Bench Press and Squat items in the Fitness Check and a special upper-body strength and aerobics circuit is provided for Day 6 (Optional). Here is a little more information and advice:
  
  Aerobic capacity • The lower aerobic capacity of women (compared to men) is due to a smaller muscle mass, a smaller volume of blood, and lower hemoglobin concentrations in the blood. In spite of this, the AFS is as attainable for women as it is for men. The Special Upper-Body Strength and Aerobics Circuit will help you improve both of these fitness components at the same time.
  
  Strength improvement • Female soldiers may be concerned that they are not as strong as their male colleagues, yet they must be able to lift the same loads. Women are generally about two-thirds as strong as men, but relative to their size women can gain as much or more strength than men following similar training programmes. The good news is… the Army Fitness Programme will lead to significant improvement in muscular strength and endurance and help you achieve the level you need to perform to the AFS. You can use the appropriate loads in the Fitness Check Bench Press and Squat items and, of course, the training routines are individualized and progressive for best results.
  
  Pregnancy • Pregnancy causes changes in physical abilities. Therefore, pregnant soldiers will consult with their Base/Unit MO ensuring no duties are undertaken in accordance with DAOD 5003-5, “Pregnancy Administration” that may pose a threat to the health of the member or the fetus. Unless specified by an MO, pregnancy does not preclude physical training. Physical fitness activities will be directed by PSP staff in accordance with the Guide to Fitness During and After Pregnancy in the CF.
  
  

  from: page 5, Army Fitness Manual: http://www.army.dnd.ca/2field_engineers/images/B-GL-382-003-PT-001.pdf

  
  
• The perspective in the drawings are horrible
  
• The drawings show exercises being performed poorly (eg: one arm higher than the other when lifting weights).
  

Women, Army

I dunno. I still wonder about this. I'm better understanding why women aren't allowed in certain groups (eg: Special Forces). I hate "affirmative action" or "employment equity", but while I understand most women are weaker than men, there must be even just a few who could make it; and I believe those few should have the chance.

I'm sort of glad we're doing the BFT now, and not the CF Express Test, because there are no exceptions, really. "If you can't do it, you can't do it" and there's nonoe of that "You're a woman, so 75% is okay." It's great:

Building on the Basics

This programme builds on the CF EXPRES Programme and takes you to a higher level of fitness than that required in the Canadian Forces Minimum Physical Fitness Standard (CFMPFS). The CFMPFS uses a predictive test model-—including the 20-metre shuttle run, hand-grip, push-up and sit-up—-to determine the fitness levels required, by age and gender, to meet the five tasks common to all soldiers of the Canadian Forces. Since the normal physical abilities of young, middle-age, and older individuals can vary—and that of men and women varies, too—the fitness standards in the CFMPFS also vary.

The AFS is different. It uses the task performance model to determine the fitness level of each soldier. Every soldier—-young or old, male or female, small or large—-must be able to meet the standards to be fit to fight. This means that to meet the AFS, all soldiers have to develop their endurance, strength, power, and flexibility to the appropriate level as shown in the Fitness Check table in Chapter 4.

The ASF difference...

Every soldier—young or old, male or
female, small or large—must be able to
meet the AFS to be fit to fight.

from: page 4, Army Fitness Manual

I like that very much.

--Charlie!

(abandoned) Kevin, Columns and Sex

So, wow. My mom likes Kevin.

It's kinda weird; she barely even knows him but from what I tell her, she loves him! All she really knows is that he's in school, he studies hard (has little spare time to spend with me), and is applying for what she assumes to be a good, high-paying job. Woots.


Army

So, Comms went under Land Forces as of 1-April-08 (or, yesterday). What does this mean? Most importantly, for me, it means that our fitness standards have changed. Oh fug.

I did a Google search for "Battle fitness test" and these came up:
(in Shilo, Manitoba)
http://www.army.forces.gc.ca/lfwa/feature_bft.htm
(forum; how to prepare for the 13k ruck march?)
http://www.militaryphotos.net/forums/archive/index.php/t-119443.html


Reading stuff

http://www.fredoneverything.net/WomenInCombat.shtml
http://www.fredoneverything.net/MilMed.shtml
http://www.fredoneverything.net/MilWomenII.shtml


I'm reading a bunch of these "Fred" articles about women. Maybe I don't count, because I'm Canadian and not American, but if he can put his opinion out there, so can I.

I am a woman. I want to be a woman. I also want the option of being a man sometimes. I like to compete with men; but I do not expect to beat the best of them. I can accept that the best of women could probably not, physically, win in a competition with the best of men. I'm okay with being the same level as an average man; I'd be happy with being better than the average man--which I think is totally feasible.

I don't agree with setting up this war between women and men in an abstract sense--I don't think all women should be against all men. I can't stand affirmative action. But I also think women should be allowed in the military. If an individual fails, then she fails and there should be consequences. I think lowering standards is acceptable at first; but there should also be the expectation to improve. I know that's how I got in; but I also know I'm in poor shape.

I hear women make better helicopter pilots, because our centre of gravity is lower; which means we can balance better (personally), and have a better feel for when something is off balance. Just sayin'.

I'm one of those women who would like to be treated like a man (moreso in the future than now), and am willing to work up to being a good man.


Kevin, again

I think Kevin is one of the few guys who will "get" me--understand me, and even maybe appreciate and like me.

I'm talking with a friend right now, and for some reason we always end up talking about sex if the conversation lasts long enough.

We have generally very different ideas of what "sex" is.

For him, a straight male, the word "sex" immediately calls to mind "coitus" or, as he put it, "the junk in the junk."

For me, "sex" means something more like "sexy things". Included are: dry humping, heavy petting, mutual masturbation, and any other similar physical stimulation. Also, penises are weird, and although I'm slightly fascinated by them, the idea of coitus is generally a turn-off for me.

This in mind, I think there are few men who would understand my preferences. Somehow, I think Kevin could. I dunno, he just seems much more "open"; he'll, at least, talk about anything, and rather comfortably, too.

[post abandoned]

Lots of Stuff and Gym

[this post is very scattered]

Socializing

Went to Swing Dance again tonight. This was the last class of the "term", so a lot of us went for food afterward. It was good times!


Men and Women

I've been passing for a man for some time now. It's more of a social experiment than "I want to be a man!", but it's also fun.

I noticed that, as a butch woman, people respect me, my space, my existence. At very least, they make way for me when I walk by.

As a feminine man, I get a lot less respect. I become invisible.


Reception of "Charlie"

I've gotten mixed responses. My co-workers seem totally cool with it. Maybe they also think it's weird and sudden and forced, but they're co-workers; they're minimally involved in my life so, of course it's no big deal.

Mark says he's "unimpressed". Don't blame him; he thought I was queer for the sake of being queer and not because I actually happen to be queer. I think he's starting to get it, though. Though I did announce it pretty poorly--quite suddenly, to people who barely knew me.

But my co-worker, Leah, seems to be very supportive! Which is great! (I love how our team is so queer-friendly! At least three of us are queers or has lived as a queer at one point.)


Respect and Others

This is kind of interesting.

Earlier, Mark said that he and I have lost all respect for eachother.

I'm going on my BMQ, and there are going to be people yelling at me, and they have no respect for me, and nothing I do will change that--at least, it won't change the way they treat me. I cannot go into BMQ thinking I'll impress anyone, least of all, anyone in charge of me.

Recent events with Mark actually gives me the opportunity to practice this!

We argue about a lot of ideas; "debate", whatever. He has no respect for my ideas. Knowing that I don't need his respect has been very liberating. I don't have to concede; to conform to his ideas of who I should be. I can argue points with him without losing any part of my self to it.

"High self esteem lets one evaluate other people's criticism; one realizes it is only someone else's point of view." Or something like that.

I guess I miss that with Eric. Having conflicting views did not make us think any less of eachother. We'd challenge eachother's perspectives, and still be best friends. What mattered most was that we were friends; we knew and cared for eachother deeply. That was paramount.

So whenever Eric and I disagreed or had opposing views, we took it to heart.

During/After the "Summer of Eric", I tore myself apart and started from scratch. He had basically suggested that maybe I've been in denial; and I would have trusted him with my life, that's how much I respected and trusted him. So I took his words to heart; re-examined myself, re-evaluated my beliefs, feelings.

I talked to Neek about this.

He said that the only person I'd mentioned to him, who respected me and would look out for me or care for me would be James. That's pretty sad.

Who are the people I trust?
- Neek
- Eric
- James
- my mum
- JS
- DM
- KW
- Leah

And who are the people who respect/ed me and made me feel valued or loved?
- James
- Leah
- Eric
- JS
... That's about all I can think of.


Gym

Went to the gym on Friday and earlier today before Swing.

Friday (14)
Exercises:
- treadmill (20 min of running; 10-15 walking)
- push-ups (about 20; "standard" on knees)
- deltoid flexes (two 8-pound freeweights; until they hurt, about 15)
- bicep curls (two 8-pound freeweights; until they hurt; about 20)
Stretches:
- quads (lunge; hold foot back while standing upright)
- hamstrings (sit and try to touch toes)
- bicep (stretch arm out against a wall/post/etc)
- tricep (elbow behind the head)
- inner thigh (feet together, press knees down)
- butts (twist and pull knee to chest)
Swimming
- front crawl (2x1 pool lengths)
- kicking on a flutter board (2x4 or 2x5 pool lengths)
- back crawl (1 pool length)
- fake front crawl (2x4 pool lengths; without blowing bubbles in the water; "head up front crawl")

Notes

- On Saturday, my quads were in such pain! Sunday was better; Monday was better; by Tuesday, it had all gone. I ate three bananas on Friday; and one on Saturday.

- Swimming is fantastic! Even just kicking on the flutter board is fantastic for my legs and I get a bit of cardio, too. And if I sweat, I'm in a pool anyhow. To cool off, I dunk my face! It's fantastic!

- Treadmills are fantastic. I ran for 10 minutes without stop. Then I walked; ran again; walked again; jogged; walked to cool down. The water-bottle holder was also great!

- NEVER, EVER, EVER close your eyes while on the treadmill!!

Today, I just had an hour before I had to leave for Swing.

Wednesday (19)
Exercises:
- track run (15-20 min of running; 15 min of walking)
- push-ups (3x10 "standard" on knees; not tired at all!)
- bicep curls (2x10)
- deltoid flexes (2x10)
- sit-ups (1x15 on an incline; could have done more, but saved abs for Swing Dance)
Stretches:
- quads (lunge)
- hamstring (sit and try to touch toes)
- "higher" hamstring (sit back from lunge position, lean forward toward bent knee)
- calf (against a wall)
- bicep (against a wall)
- tricep (elbow behind head)

Notes:

- The biggest problem was time. I could have done so much more if I had more time; I did not feel sore or very tired. I also had to save energy for Swing Dance afterward!

- I did my exercises "in circuit"; I would do a little bit of running, then freeweights; then push-ups; then sit-ups; then running; then freeweights; then push-ups, with stretching in between. This seemed to work really well!

- Must remember to wipe down mats before/after use.

- Treadmills are popular! I kept an eye on them as I did other exercises.

- I should try doing those "V" things; lay on my back, lift my legs by bending at the waist; extend my arms above my head; keeping both halves straight, reach hands to touch toes. They look very effective!

- I should try chin-ups if I can find a bar (that isn't surrounded by big burly men).

- Buy a lock. Lock rentals cost $1.

- I ate one banana before leaving the house.

--Charlie

"Charlie"

Charlie

I think I want to have people call me "Charlie" from now on. Not as a legal name-change, but more of a nick-name -dealie. Way back when, I had people call me "Char" (unfortunately, this was immediately prior to / during the Pokemon craze at my school, and taunts like, "Char-char-charmander! Oh no! Charmander evolves to Charmeleon!!" so I tried to shed it quickly).

I dunno, something just feels very appealing about being a "Charlie". And it would be pronounced either with the emphasis on both syllables, or only the last syllable--"CHAR-LEE" or "char-LEE", not "CHAR-lee".

I would spell it "Charlee" if only it didn't look so "pretty pretty princess!" Also if it were not related to the pr0n star writer.

At work, some of my co-workers are adopting it, too. I also want to use it as a pseudonym, since nobody understands the name "Karissa", but "Charlie" is familiar and stable. Except that some will get confused with the masculine "Charlie". But they can screw themselves. If they can't get over it, they won't want to deal with it, and that makes life easier for me!

I guess, the other thing:

Vietcong: a guerrilla member of the Vietnamese Communist movement [link].

This would often be abbreviated "V C", but in the IPA, thus: "Victor Charlie", and became "Charlie" for short [link].

So I might get some people going, "Charlie, huh? You're not a charlie, are you?" And I'll say, "No, I'm Canadian."

I'm not sure how others will receive this. Then again, it's a nickname, right, so only my new or closer friends will know about it.


Image

In my mind, "Charlie" is this wonderful, eccentric but articulate, "Bohemian", partying girl (who's sometimes a boy) who is just as comfortable in a tight, cleavy tank-top as a tux or flannel and overalls.

At heart, she just wants to be happy and be herself; whether the road is simple or complicated.

And I'm not sure if Charlie is actually who I want to be, or if she's another character I want to live alongside my life.

Aside:

I've always had the ability to project my experiences through another character/personality/viewpoint. Sometimes it's in the form of different "voices" giving me different feedback/advice on events, and sometimes it's a full-blown conversation with them. Sometimes it's like that personality got into my driver's seat and is the person driving this body.

It's ranged from cautionary words to "WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM?!" actions. And I like to think one of them is a mysterious psychic who takes images, feelings and events in general, from the future, and puts them into my dreams.

Sometimes they become characters in stories I write; sometimes I think they're much too special to share with anyone else. Sometimes I'll be coming up with new characters and they evolve from there.

I've sort-of accepted it now. *shrug* But I have to remind myself sometimes that not everyone...believes things like this are normal. They're kind of like guardian angels / demons / characters in general.

So, who knows who Charlie is!

But I'll try being a Charlie for a while. We'll see what happens.

--Charlie?

Pr0n and Women

Pornography

We had this topic come up in church. There's an article in Christian Weekly (or something), about this site, www.XXXchurch.com. According the article, this church reaches out to porn stars and porn addicts. As opposed to condemning them, they're more "Hey, God loves you!" which I think is great!

We had a discussion about porn.

Porn is this thing that most Christians don't want to talk about. It's this big taboo. While people might openly admit to lying or stealing or envying, it's unlikely that people will admit to actively consuming porn. When someone says they're an alcoholic and going to AA meetings, we congratulate them, pat them on the back. When someone says they're addicted to porn, we suddenly have somewhere else to be.

No, I'm not leading up to a dramatic reveal, although I will admit to having actively consumed porn before (though, in truth, some of the stuff I've seen was just plain gross).

I wanted to bring this up, because I'm an artist.

It's no secret by now that I love the female figure; nude or otherwise; and that it's riveting to draw. So many curves; soft gradients; absolutely beautiful. But am I producing porn?

I heard somewhere that viewing artwork is a delicate procedure. Hold it too close, and it becomes pornography; too far, and you become cynical.

I guess that's a sad fact I have to deal with as an artist. Despite my intentions, there is always the chance that my work can be viewed in a way I did not intend. And sometimes it'll be a pleasant surprise, and other times it'll be "mor b00bs plz, kthx".

Aside: Kay, wow. Firefox recognizes "b00bs" as a valid word. Wow.

It's not something that I'll be able to solve, at least, not immediately.


Women

I suddenly remembered something from when I was about six or seven.

I used to catch the last ten minutes of some soap opera when I came home from school. Once, there was a scene with a man and woman arguing or something; and the woman was going to either kill him or break up with him or something like that. And I thought, "Wow, women are powerful and awesome!" And that idea stayed with me for a long time.

Then I saw Disney's Pocahontas.

There's this scene with, I think it's Governor Ratcliffe, and he's singing about having riches or something, and he's coming down this staircase with a bunch of poofy-dress-ed women waving fans and swooning around him. And this completely blew my mind.

I think, first of all, I went, "What's going on? Women don't like him! He's a jerk!"

My next thought was a little frightening: "Maybe it means he's more powerful than the women."

And my next thought was, "Man, I want to be so powerful that women flock to me!"

--Charissa

PS: If you check out that IMDb link, the plot outline reads: "The daughter of a Native American tribe chief and English soldier share a romance..."

At first I thought the word "share" was incorrect.

Arousal, Politics and Minorities

Confession!

There's this guy at work, he used to be an interviewer, and then he became a mentor, and now he's a team leader. He's got a voice like suede. Warm, deep brown suede that kind-of glints in the right light. It's calm, baritone but with an inner brightness, and it pushes everything else out of my head when he talks in his professional way. It makes me tingle, and I want to jump his voice every time I hear it.


Massage

I went for that one-hour couples' relaxation massage with Mark today. It wasn't nearly as intense as the other one, but it was very relaxing indeed! Unfortunately, my legs are still very stiff, I think. My masseuse spent much longer on my legs than Mark's spent on his.


No subtlety at all

Mark and I talked after. He said that was a great hour-long erection.

Y'know, I don't think I could stand being male. I really cannot handle being aroused, and from what I understand, puberty is a terribly confusing and (sometimes) frightening experience for males, because of sexual arousal or new bodily abilities. I think I would absolutely freak out if I woke up with an erection. Just--"what the fuck is this?!"

On the plus, I've heard that the arousal generally goes away once a male ejaculates, so maybe that's helpful.

I've heard that for most women, and I'd include myself, arousal is smoother, longer and doesn't just peak and fall off. It could take hours or days to get a woman in the mood. It generally happens over a longer time, and fades slower.

Sometimes I'd wish to trade for getting it out of my system as quickly as possible. Seriously? I cannot handle being aroused. I become (more) obscene around people, and it's so difficult to focus on anything other than ways to satisfy myself.

It's fun, I guess. And it's not like this happens very often--just, the times it does happen, it's barely within my control.

Man, I really hope this becomes easier to handle, with age.


Moving along...

I'm feeling creative again. I think I need to read more books. I feel like writing something--creating worlds again.


Sudden Political Topic!

Okay, I apologize in advance for not having any specifics, but I was watching some sort of interview with Stephen Harper and the reporter asked what he thought about some recent poll.

The PM's response was something like, "I don't listen to polls--this poll says one thing and another poll will tell you otherwise. No, I will not make a decision based only on the polls. I will make a decision based on what is right."

What?

Dude, I get that you want to do the right thing, but you were voted into a Democracy! I don't think that was the smartest thing to say. Nor do I think that's a very democratic view. We own your ass! We vote--maybe not us, specifically, but we have representatives who speak and act on our behalfs, and unless I really can't remember grade-school Social Studies, these people vote on decisions.

I suppose we also vote for representatives because we have faith in them--or because we lack faith in the others.

Also, what the fuck is the "Christian Heritage Party"?!

The party's explicit goal is to "apply proven Judeo-Christian principles of justice and compassion to Canada's contemporary public policy needs". The party claims that it seeks to represent all Christians in Canada, but that they acknowledge many Christians are members of other parties, and they specifically deny any interest in converting Canadians to Christianity. It also claims to be Canada's only pro-life federal political party, and emphasizes that the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms acknowledges "God" (in its members' interpretation meaning the Judeo-Christian God) in its preamble. Other policies include staunch opposition to same sex marriage, staunch support for the US-led war in Iraq, and a subsidy for parents raising children, to encourage one parent to stay at home rather than working.

Wow. Just, fuckin' wow.

There's so much in politics that makes me angry. I want to be out there fighting for Queers, Immigrants, the Homeless, and many other minorities. I want Queers and Immigrants to feel safe and entitled to the same legal rights as those in majorities. And why the fuck are there homeless people in fuckin' Canada?!

I never used to be politically-minded. It used to be head-knowledge: "This is a cabinet, these are members of parliament, Canada borrows from the British system, the Queen blah blah blah."

I guess being Queer does that.

There's a feeling I have, like a pressure; as though I should only care for these minorities because I share commonalities. I hate that feeling. I hate that feeling like I'd have to be in that persecuted group in order to care for them. No! Fuckin' no!

Sure it's part of the reason, but you don't have to be homeless to be homeless, you don't have to be homeless to be poor. You don't have to be a Queer Asian Female to be different in some way from the people who would decide the bigger things in your life.

I know of no person who has the luxury of having nothing in common with those who are persecuted.

Do people fight only for the things they are a part of? I think so--at least, that it's a big tendency. Which would mean that minorities will stay minorities.

Just a quick example, because I'm falling asleep and need an example:

Assume the popular belief is that Bobs are worthless, and Bobs are a minority. Suppose a few (or all the) Bobs stand up for the belief that Bobs are not worthless. Since the popular belief is that Bobs are worthless, and humans have a tendency not to fight for something unless they belong to it, the Bobs will never convince a majority that Bobs are not worthless.

Man, I need to sleep on a happier note.

FLUFFY PINK BUNNIES.

--Charissa

"Protection"!

Kay, so one of my buds started talking about 300 again.

E--- (1:01 AM):

it's a guy movie
yay!

Me (1:01 AM):

haha, aye

E--- (1:01 AM):

We all want to be warriors
in some way :P

Me (1:01 AM):

Really? Explain!

E--- (1:02 AM):

lol
are you serious

Me (1:02 AM):

Well, in what way do guys want to be "warriors"?

E--- (1:03 AM):

we have a natural drive to become physically fit and protect our women :P
thats as basic as I can make it

Me (1:03 AM):

;P Are you saying I'm incapable of understanding something that isn't basic?

E--- (1:03 AM):

no
im saying im lazy

Me (1:03 AM):

:P Just foolin'
Why do guys want to "protect" women?
From what do we need protection?

E--- (1:04 AM):

in this day, nothing
we feel that protecting you is a way of showing we love :P

E--- (1:05 AM):

it's a natural thing, or even just doing silly stuff like opening the pickle jar haha

Me (1:05 AM):

Hmmm, okay

E--- (1:06 AM):

im not in a relationship right now so I don't really want to protect anyone
from the invisible monsters
I don't know how to explain it :\
a natural urge to take charge ?
I don't know about women but men like to work out because they get a feeling of invincibility
as well as extreme satisfaction
:P

I wonder, what do women "need" to be protected from?

Seriously, the first thing that came to my market-researcher-mind was "Protect against leaks and odours!"

I want to make a movie called "The Cycle of Bloodshed" and have it totally be about menstruation. Seriously. Here's a teaser:


You can also view it here.

[post abandoned]

--Charissa