My Favourite Math Jokes
There are a LOT of math jokes out there, but I thought I'd like to collect my favourites together, if for nothing more than my own benefit. I am re-telling them as best as I can remember, but perhaps one day I will add sources (or speculation).
BAR JOKES
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first orders a beer; the second orders half a beer; the third, a quarter; an eighth... Before the next can even open her mouth, the bartender says, "You're all idiots!" and pours two beer.
Hidden joke: A good bartender always cuts you off before you reach your limit!
Three mathematicians walk into a bar.
...
You'd think the second one would have ducked.
STORIES
great for speaking aloud
The Really Shitty Hotel
For some reason, a Mathematician, a Physicist and an Engineer have to share a room for the night, but the only place available is a very shady hotel on the wrong side of town. But since there's nothing else, they bunk there.
It's a really shitty hotel. Partway through the night, a fire breaks out in a corner of the room, and for some reason, only the Engineer wakes up. She says, "Oh shit, a fire!" and looks about the room. She sees a garbage can, picks it up, dumps it out, fills it with water, dumps the water on the flame. Sure enough, the flame goes out. She then pours douses the ashes for good measure, and promptly goes back to sleep.
It's a really shitty hotel. A couple hours later, another fire breaks out in another corner of the room, and for some reason, only the Physicist wakes up. She says, "Oooh-hoo-hoo, a fire!" and takes out some instruments, a calculator and starts measuring the flame and garbage can and calculating. She fills the garbage can three-quarters (plus or minus a tenth) full of water and dumps it on the flame. Sure enough, the flame goes out, and she promptly goes back to sleep.
It's a really shitty hotel. A couple hours later, another fire breaks out in another corner of the room, and for some reason, only the Mathematician wakes up. She rubs her eyes and squints and says, "Ooh-hoo-hoo, a problem! Let's see now..." She looks around the room. "A-ha! A garbage can!" She picks it up and inspects it for holes. Finding none, she rushes to the bathroom. "Let's see, let's see." She turns on the faucet and water flows out. "A-ha!" she exclaims, "there exists a solution to the problem!" and promptly goes back to sleep.
A mad scientist wanted to freshen his stock of brains, so he went to his local dealer. Lawyers' brains were on sale for $50/kg. Doctors' were $90/kg. Further down the aisle, he saw that Mathematicians' brains were an astounding $5000/kg.
He asked the clerk why this was.
The clerk replied, "Are you kidding me? Do you KNOW how many mathematicians it takes to get a kilo of brains??"
Train Ride
(This one is great for telling aloud, just make sure to make the "knock-knock" gesture, too!)
There's this convention over in the next city, so a group of mathematicians and a group of engineers have to share a train together. And mathematicians and engineers don't get along very well. As they're all boarding, some mathematicians notice that, out of all the engineers, only one of them has a ticket. Of course, all the mathematicians have their tickets. And the mathematicians start laughing: "Those stupid engineers! They're going to get booted off the train!"
At this time, an engineer comes running down the train, shouting, "Guys, the guard's coming; he's coming to check our tickets!" All the engineers pile into one bathroom. The guard comes along and checks each mathematician's ticket: "Ticket please!" The guard goes up to the engineers' bathroom and knocks--knock, knock. "Ticket please!" One ticket comes out. The guard stamps it; it goes back in.
And the mathematicians' minds are totally blown--what a good idea! They decide to copy it for the ride home. So, on the way back, out of all the mathematicians, only one has a ticket. Out of all the engineers, not one of them has a ticket! And the mathematicians start laughing: "Those stupid engineers! They're going to get booted off the train!"
At this time, a mathematician comes running down the train, shouting, "Guys, the guard's coming; he's coming to check our tickets!" All the mathematicians pile into one bathroom--all the engineers pile into another bathroom. The last engineer, before going into the bathroom, goes over to the mathematicians' bathroom and knocks--knock, knock.
("Ticket please!")
Careers
Two young students, both very good at math, realise they don't know what they want to do when they grow up, so they decide to see a guidance counselor.
"We don't know what to do when we grow up, but we're very good at problem-solving!"
The guidance counselor happens to have the perfect test for them. The test consists of two parts.
The first student is brought into a room, and in the room is: a table, a kettle sitting on the table, and a stove. The problem is this: boil the water in the kettle. "Well that's stupid," the student says, but he picks up the kettle off the table, places it on the stove, turns the stove on, and in a few minutes, the water boils.
The second student performs the same test with the same results.
"Excellent," the guidance counselor says, "you both passed the first part. Now for the second."
The first student is brought back into the same room, only now, the kettle is sitting on the floor. "WTF?" the student says, but he picks up the kettle off the floor, places it on the stove, turns the stove on, and in a few minutes, the water boils.
The second student is then brought into the room. He stares at the kettle which is now sitting on the floor. "Hey," he says, "this looks familiar..." He walks around, viewing the kettle from a different angle; he's very obviously thinking hard. "Wait a second," he says. He picks the kettle up off the floor, places it on the *table* and exclaims, "Aha, a problem I have already solved!" He then picks the kettle up off the table, places it on the stove, turns the stove on, and in a few minutes, the water boils.
The two students report back to the counselor. "How'd we do?" they ask.
The counselor turns to the first student. "You can be an engineer," the counselor says proudly, "because, when faced with a new problem, you found a unique and practical solution!" The first student beams and goes away. "You, however," the counselor says to the second student, "will only be a mathematician, because you can only reduce problems to ones you've already solved."
Renee Descartes walks into his favourite bar and takes a seat. The bartender asks, "Will you have your usual today?" Renee Descartes ponders a moment.
"I think not," he replied--and promptly vanished.
Talking to Mathematicians
Q: How can you tell when the person talking to you is a mathematician?
A: He looks at his shoes.
Q: How can you tell when the mathematician talking to you is an extrovert (ie: outgoing)?
A: He looks at *your* shoes.
Theorem:
All positive numbers are interesting.
Proof:
Assume the contrary. Then there exists a lowest non-interesting positive number. But, hey, that's pretty interesting! (A contradiction.)
I used u for
∫ ex dx.
At the time, it felt right, but it was so wrong
Q: What did the successful mathematician do when she got constipated?
A: She worked it out with a pencil.
"Let epsilon be a large negative number..."
MATH/ART/SCIENCE SLASH
"What're you doing?"
"Oh, just curve sketching..."
"... Are those nipples?"
Said the portrait artist to the physicist, "What a coincidence! I'm studying black bodies, too!"
NERD LOVE AND PICK-UP LINES
"I'd love to be one-to-one and onto you."
"Come be my epsilon-neighbourhood!"
(give me a hug :3 )
"Hey there, wanna find my points of inflection?"
"Wanna hold my z constant?"
"Can I take your derivative--cuz I'd love to lie tangent to your curves."
"Let me be your secant, cuz I'd love to touch your two points."
ALTERNATIVELY
"Can I be your secant--I don't think I could just touch you once."
"I bet I can fill your concavities."
"I've got something you can integrate."
"Baby, I can last all night, just let me do it once and once more."
"Baby, I got the perfect gift for you, it just won't fit in the margin that's all!"
"Hey, I got some great ideas for that Three Body Problem."
"Hey, I gots a bit of a Sphere Packing problem here..."
"Wanna see my tight closures?"
...more to follow as I think of them, will tag under "jokes".
