Opinions

So it turns out I have some weird ideas about my image as a woman, and I never knew I had these ideas! One of them I had mentioned before: Hetero penetrative sex.

Charlie on Pregnancy (personally)

Right now, I can't see myself having children--in the future, even. Sure, aside from being beautiful and wonderful, there's probably a lot of fulfillment and pride and other great things... But me--Charlie--pregnant? I feel that would only propagate the idea that women are factories for creating more humans.

People see pregnant women all the time and--though maybe this is a bit of a stretch--the sight of a pregnant woman causes people to stop and think about pregnancy and creation of new humans. I think it's MUCH more rare for someone to see a non-pregnant woman and think, "Oh look, there's a woman who isn't pregnant!" and think about women and how they could be non-pregnant.

Another thing: in a couple joined in civil union, there's an expectation to have a child--by birth or adoption, or what have you, but there's a cultural expectation, I think. And if a couple goes long enough without children, the norm is to ask, "Are they infertile?" "Don't they want kids?" "What's wrong with them?"

Whenever that question--"What's WRONG with them?"--is asked, there is usually a lot of assumption going on. Here the assumption is: it is normal to have children, it is normal to want to have children. Thus, a couple that has not conceived must have either some physical defect, or some mental defect for not wanting to procreate.

So, by becoming pregnant, I further the image and idea of women as carriers of new humans; and further the normality and expectancy of pregnancy in women. So.... Charlie won't be pregnant--at least, for a LONG time!


Charlie on Hetero Penetrative Sex (HPS)

HPS is gross and unfair. As a woman, there is no sex organ (long enough) I can use to penetrate--invade the internal space of--a man's orifice(s). As a woman, I cannot derive the same physicality of pleasure that a man can derive, by sticking a body part into someone else.

There is an invasion of personal space--even if there is consent, in HPS, I as a woman would be receiving the (repeated) entry of another person into the confines of my body.

I guess I want to "level the playing field". There is this sex toy I've seen, the Feeldoe (http://images.google.ca/images?q=feeldoe), used for girl-on-girl penetrative sex. One end goes into the vagina of the penetrating woman, who holds it in place with her muscles. There are little nubbies that ride along her clit (which is the female analogue to the male's head of the penis). The other end goes into the woman to be penetrated, like a penis would in HPS. I like this idea--especially about stimulating the clit, because it simulates (maybe) the feeling of penetration--ie, the nubbies on the clit imitates the sensation that the head of the penis gets from being inserted and withdrawn repeatedly.

Woots.



Thoughts

I used to be mysterious. I used to be so involved in myself that I didn't care about anyone else--and people were drawn to me! I guess I started taking that for granted, because I'm beginning to lose more of myself to others. Well, I was worried I had, but maybe that worry isn't as justified now as it was then.

I used to be such a Scorpio. I don't mind Scorp--except for the crazy sex drive. It drives me nuts sometimes and I need to keep it in check.

But now? I don't know what's happened. After the Summer of Eric, I deconstructed myself and tried to start anew. I don't know how much I rebuilt after tearing down, but it seems to have held so far. I'm a bit wary right now, though, that perhaps the foundation was less sound than I'd thought. It's always hard to.....remake oneself, since we are continually adding new bits, and perhaps even losing old bits.


So, this guy...

So this guy, he's an interesting fellow, something like Neek, but more...compassionate. Neek is a justified asshole. SW is.... he cares.

Hah, I'd mentioned to SW... There's a scene in Heroes where Peter meets Matt for the first time, and Matt tries to read Peter's mind, but Peter starts mimicking his ability and there's this feedback sound like you get with mics. I imagine that's what SW meeting Neek would be like!


SW

I dunno! I've already told him I like him; and he's said he likes me at least a bit more than as a friend... But he doesn't want to get into a relationship until he sorts some stuff out--which I think is noble and honest of him.

But... I dunno?

I feel very comfortable with him--which is good and bad. I trust him entirely too much for not knowing him. And, I guess this is where the "mysterious Charlie" thoughts come in--like, I used to be him. It's pretty freaky. Had I decided that [things] were important to me and decided to pursue them, I might have turned into SW. Crazy!

But that's another thing, he's young--not much younger, mind, but...maybe young enough. And I think I'm sick of waiting for people to grow up. But I'm waiting for....something anyway, so I may as well wait for another thing? I don't know...

Besides the familiar "me" in SW, there's something else familiar about him--something that reminds me of Eric vaguely. Not that SW is necessarily similar to Eric, but something reminds me of him. Argh.


Relationships?

I've been thinking about polygamy again, and--if I'm honest with myself--I can admit that I'm a jealous person. I also enjoy positions of authority and power--not necessarily for the sake of dominating others, but it feels....good within me. Like, "I am a full human being, I am as I am, I am fully myself, I am wholly myself, I satisfy/sustain/fulfil/enjoy myself..." -sort of thing. But I do also enjoy being in positions of power so I can better care for others, and I suppose, for security...

SW is a giver. I am a giver. But I think SW is more practised in giving and enjoys it more than I, so he would hold that position more easily.

Giving is easy--in some respects, I'm talking very generally in terms of what it requires of character to give. Receiving is less easy. Receiving requires grace and...a knack for making the other feel appreciated. I lack grace, generally. About the most graceful I can get is Milonga del Angel (Astor Piazzolla) on a good day and when my fingers are sufficiently warmed-up.

But that skill of receiving is perhaps more useful? In giving, I make the other feel good. In receiving, I can get AND make the other feel good. ...My old self would take advantage of this. Me, I don't know.


I've been sitting on my arse too long. Time to do something else.
--Charlie

Tiny confession

When I was 11 or 12, I had a friend who invited me to join the Terry Fox Run on a cool September morning. We took our bikes downtown, and the route was an unremarkable three kilometres that had us expecting an exciting deviation or hill or dramatic curve in the road--there never was. However, at the end of the event, a tent had been set up for runners and cyclists to have back or leg massages, so we went there.

My friend got a back massage, and I figured I'd get my legs done.

Since I'd thought the route would be longer and I might work up a sweat, I'd worn a scrap of a tank top and embarrassingly short shorts. The masseuse didn't seem to mind.

I lay myself down, face first into the massage table, and she began on my ankles, working herself deliberately up my calves and backs of my knees. She moved both hands to my right leg then, where the thighs join the knee. I remember my 12 year-old self thinking how pleasant and personal--perhaps too personal--this felt--but, I reassured myself, she's a professional.

She worked her way up my thigh, slowly, right up to the bottom lip of my shorts, and by then I was getting hot and bothered. But, no no, I said again, she knows what she's doing; and so she remained working on the muscles just below where my shorts ended.

Then, slowly, she slipped under the fabric.

This caught me off guard and I was in an immediate panic, thinking OH MY GOD IS THIS OKAY TO DO? But progress was slow, careful and at every stroke prepared to cease at my refusal. But no refusal came. So she slid up again, working deeper into the tissue and provoking my senses further.

It got to the point where I had to clench to stop myself from gyring at her touch. I remember wanting to grind my hips into the table for release from all that pressure building up. And, all at once, I was over the edge--not by much, but just far enough--and for an instant, I was hefted up, suspended just high enough my feet caught air--my hips seized, some muscles contracted, and I crashed down as lightly as I'd been lifted. It was a tiny orgasm, and if I'm honest with myself, that was my first.

The masseuse then worked on my left leg, with no such repetition.



Why?!

I'm not entirely sure why I recalled this just now. A few things are on my mind:
1. I'm bisexual--at least, and at most, transgendered;
2. I've only been with men, never with women, even since coming out;
3. a co-worker of mine is terribly nervous, but "Oh god, he melts like chocolate in your hands" when I gave him a shoulder rub once;
4. I'm going for a massage in two hours; and
5. I would dearly love to get drunk and have unplanned make-outs with girls.

I guess that's enough to bring up memories...

Yeah... I wonder how much significance that event had on my life... my first ever orgasm was while getting a massage... from a lady... Huh...

--Charlie

Sexual Identity

Identity

An interesting train of thought hit me this morning. It's something I've thought about in the past, but never really...explored. It's about sexual identity, sort of.

First, assume that preference is not the only factor in sexual identity. I'm going to say the factors of Preference, Gender and Biological Sex are important and I'll deal with only these for now.

Preference is who you prefer. This can be basic as the biological sex of the person, or as complex as the person's internal workings.

Gender is self-identification, who you think or feel you are on the inside. I'll use words like "masculine" and "feminine" to describe gender.

Biological Sex is arguably the simplest to understand, but difficult to explain where "male" ends and "female" begins because of so many genetic variations. For the most part, this is determined by primary sex characteristics: what's in your pants. Biological males have penises and biological females have clits and vaginas. There's always variation, too, and I'm not sure how to call a person with both or neither, so for simplicity's sake, I'm going to use words like "male", "female" and "other". Sorry people-who-fit-into-this-and-might-take-offense.


So, who is Charlie?

I'm biological female. That one's easy enough for me to identify. I've got a vag and a clit.

I'm attracted to both males and females of all kinds. I've known that for a few years now and have been out for about three years.

Gender is the hard part for me define, but I'm hoping that the effort of writing will help me organize this.


History

I remember when I was a little kid in grade school, sometimes I'd be sick and would stay home for the day. And being bedridden, I'd watch whatever was on television. Usually, this meant soap operas, and although I was upset with the lack of cartoons, I'd stick some of them out.

I don't remember what the show was, but one time, I saw the end of an episode. What my young mind gathered was this: there was a man, and there was this "beautiful" woman (I knew she was "beautiful" because she had long blonde hair and was wearing a flowing red dress). The man had done something that the beautiful woman didn't like. But he was enamoured of her. The woman was sly: she waited for the man to let his guard down and then killed him--or at least, it was implied by the way she sneaked into his room at night with a knife or firearm.

And I *remember* thinking to myself, This is great! Women are desired and powerful! And I'm going to grow up into one!

However, the other thought that occurred to me, not nearly as prominently, was that, perhaps, "women" are only powerful because they can manipulate the men who have the "real" power. This rather disturbed me and I didn't think about it too long.


However, I have another recollection of my wayful childhood.

I was watching Disney's Pocahontas for the first time. That must've been 1995, which put me at age seven.

There's a scene [Youtube] where Governor Ratcliffe is singing and walking down a flight of steps with these ladies lining the edges and cooing over him.

And this time, I thought, Oh, so "women" are a symbol of power and status. To have women fawn over your is a sign you're rich/powerful. (And the thought went even further) So, one day when I'm rich and powerful, I'll have ladies fawning over me!


I don't know how much that last thought played in the rest of my life. I didn't consciously think, I must attract ladies to me! But maybe it played a small part. Everything we remember must have played a part, yes?


So, those were my young thoughts of "women" and power and wealth. I say "women" with quotes because I don't think all women are necessarily like this. I mean a perception of women, not actual women.


So, gender.

I think, maybe, since seeing that bit from Pocahontas, I started to identify with men more.

Around grade seven (age 12), I started liking vampires and stuff. A lot of my drawings from that time show it (it's kind of embarrassing). Around the same time, something else started happening, and I'm not sure if the two are related or not.

I started "hearing voices".

That's about the easiest way I can put it. The weird thing was this "voice" wasn't external, it wasn't a strange voice, it was...familiar. And it would say all sorts of things, mostly about myself and my current situation; but, sometimes it would tell me about the very near future; and it was usually right. Granted, the "very near future" may have just fit under "my current situation", but it was still neat, and for this reason did I decide this voice was external.

That wasn't the only reason, though.

The voice was masculine. Eventually, a very real presence grew behind that voice. Sometimes I thought he was the Devil come to talk me out of Heaven. This character was very powerful, very alluring, and also, it seemed, very dangerous. Even now, I still entertain the possibility he's the Devil. But it seems mostly absurd now. I wonder if that's a bad thing...

After a while, I gave him a name--I won't reveal it here, but I'll give the nickname Cyan.

Cyan felt very much a part of my mind. It was as though he had no body and so rested in mine--he didn't take over it, but he could talk me into doing things--more accurately, what he'd say would make me react.

But enough about history.


Now

I've had this thought before: What if I'm a man on the inside?

When I first really considered the possibility I was bisexual, a whole new world opened up. I suppose it's comparable to looking at the types of characters you can make in RPGs.

"There are so many things I might be! I might be [this], but no, they have [this quality] which I don't have. Or [this], they have [this quality] which I have and like, but so does [this]..."

I didn't have to be a straight feminine female! It was a remarkable feeling, that I didn't have to be something. I had the freedom to not be something I didn't want!

Writing this, I'm having trouble explaining in a way that doesn't imply I could *choose* whom I was attracted to or such. I didn't just wake up and think, OMG I WANT TO LIKE WOMEN NOW, HURRRR. No, I woke up and thought, Alright so I actually do like women, what other assumptions do I have about myself, that might also be flawed?

And one of those assumptions was being "feminine" on the inside.

As an aside, no, I've never been terribly feminine to begin with. My only siblings are two much-older brothers, so maybe that influenced me. But my mom says I came out of the womb already my own person, stubborn and not willing to conform to the shape the world sets for little Chinese girls.


So, what have I been thinking this morning...

Let's assume I'm masculine inside. ...What now?

I'm still attracted to both male/masculine and female/feminine.
I'm still a giver.

The way I excite feels more comfortable. Less expectation, more enjoyment.

Do I want to change my body to be more male?
Superficially, yeah, a little. I mean, I would love to have that muscular chest/abs/arms combo going on. And chest hair would be freakin' awesome!

How about a penis?
...It'd be very interesting to have a functional penis. But I don't think I want to *change* my body to get one.

Why? If I'm really a man living in a woman's body, shouldn't I want the body to reflect what's inside?
I think I'm too afraid to. Parents would freak out. I'd have very little support; most of my friends would run away. I can only think of two definite people who would stick it through with me, and one of them, I'm not sure he'd be supportive of it. Just friendly-supportive.
And I think I'm naive enough to think that, if I stay in this body and go through all that frustration, one day, I'll find that soulmate who'll understand me.

Why do people dye their hair?
Because it looks better? Because they want to try it out? Because they think it would fit better with the rest of their bodies?
If the latter, then the implication is they know better than their Maker--than God.
"I know life would be better as a blonde. People will like me more. Blonde hair fits with my features better. It brings out my eyes." Whatever.

Why don't I dye my hair?
In all honesty, because Asians tend to look stupid (and ugly) with anything other than dark hair. Platinum-blonde Asians scare the shit out of me.
But I used to think, "Because this is what God gave me! Black hair!"
Then I chopped most of it off and I absolutely love it!
If I wanted to be a purist, I might've thought, "Well, since God gave me hair, I'll keep it all and never cut it." Then again, hair too long can prevent one from performing other tasks that make the most of God's gifts. I dunno!


Do I still think hetero penetrative sex is unfair, boring and kinda gross?
A little... But as a "man", the thought is more like "If my tool can give a lady pleasure, then I'd be happy to have hetero penetrative sex with her. But there are other ways, too."
I guess it's very different being on the other end.
I still think it's unfair, unless she were into strap-on dildos and giving me butt sex.
Man, what would I think of that?!
Being a bottom, I'd completely melt. Even as a "man", I'm not thrilled with receiving. I still think receiving (personally) is selfish.

What do I think of male-male sex involving myself?
HOT. Seriously, gay men know how to have fun! Still not sure how I'd feel being penetrated.

Do I think being penetrated as a man is better or worse than as a female?
If I'm completely honest with myself, I think anal is a little gross. But, it is more fair and I think that fairness could win over the slight disgust.



...Well, the rest will have to wait until I've eaten lunch. Or, breakfast.

--Charlie
(possibly a bisexual man living in a woman's body!)

Socializing tonight!

Me

So, I've never really gotten over that guy from Saskatchewan. I realize it was just a fling -sort of thing, but not being someone who usually has flings--with guys--while working....well, it's hard for me to let go of him. Yes, he lives far away, I'll probably never see him again, if I do see him again, it'll be on a professional level; I, in all likelihood, scared him off... Yes, okay, it's my fault.

Actually, I wonder what's bothering me most: missing him, or my regrets? Huh... I think my regrets...

Anyway.

Tonight was a small "mixer" party. Fun! Gay men are wonderful. I got so many hugs tonight!

There were a few minor complications, however.

- In the past, one of the gay guys, M--- said, "You're manly" to me, in a sort of "Ooh, you're *manly*". I really don't know how to interpret this, so I'll just assume he was being a kidder.

- Creepy-Ass showed up again. This is someone who used to grope my arm when he'd say hello to me. I don't like him; not only that, I *dislike* him, he makes me uncomfortable, being near him is almost suffocating, he disturbs me and I feel almost an obligation to make sure he's not making anyone else as uncomfortable as he made me. Ugh.

- There was a drunk girl. We sat together for the last bit, put our arms around each other. Nothing more.

- Throughout the entire day, I received sooo much sexual innuendo. Apparently, I was in a foursome--well, that's what they called it, but we were just sitting together on the couch...together. There may have been some touching. Actually, we had a back-rub chain of at least three, a bit later. And at one point, M--- and I talked, kinda--well, he said something implicating, and then I just had to clarify and ask, "Do you *like* women?" and his response was something like, "Well, I'll take what I can get. I'd just have to close my eyes and pretend it's someone else." I don't know if he meant anything by that--probably not.



Aaaanyway, I have to:
- mark papers
- prepare a lesson plan
- get ready for my Stat midterm which is tomorrow morning
ALL BEFORE TOMORROW MORNING. MORNING.

Tonight will be much fun. YES.

--Charlie

075: (abandoned)

Work

So it's been a while. I got another job, selling knives this time. I started on 17 May, and already I'm quitting.

Started off okay; they have brilliant marketing and training strategies. And, I mean, sure, it's a great job, for some people. Just not me.

Reasons I am quitting Vector:

• I don't have a cell phone;
  
• I don't have a driving license;
  
• I don't have access to a vehicle;
  
• At some point, it becomes dangerous for a tiny Asian girl to wear business casual and take public transit to the North End to sell knives;
  
• Had I a driving license and access to a vehicle, I am averse paying for fuel
  
• I like office/predictable hours;
  
• I need to be me--I need to be an artist (this job is infringing on my ability to be an artist);
  
• I feel as though I am being manipulated through this job--which I am and will be for most any job, but it also feels wrong in my gut; and
  
• I don't like the way it goes through people I know.

Today was my last day. I hand in my papers tomorrow.


Sexuality

I'm trying to figure out which I prefer: men or women. I mean, women have things most men don't--like a good sense of both personal hygiene and bodily responsibility, and attractive breasts--and men have things women usually don't--like facial hair and work-hardened skin.

I'm wondering. I like Kevin--entirely too much--but there are so many times I think to myself, "If only he were a woman."

I'm wondering about one of my close friends who came out as bisexual recently and is now in several open-relationships.

I guess I'm wondering about monogamy. Is it acceptance of human ability to satisfy, versus human desire? I mean, I think a lot of us want more than we can fulfill.

Someone has said of me, "You never can be just one thing, can you!" I guess it's true.

I'm wondering if polygamy is fair. A lot of people want to be the only person (romantically) in another's life--want to "be everything" to someone. Is that naive, or is it optimistic? I think it's a bit of both.

Is polygamy then cynical, or is it practical? "Not one person can satisfy all my needs, so I'll go with multiple people." Is it an excuse? "It's not you, it's me. I just can't be satisfied this way." Yes, I think it can be an excuse sometimes.

I think "Celibate Polygamy" is my word of the day.


Kevin

I'm thinking maybe I've freaked Kevin out a little.

I'm kind of aggressive--at least, the last few guys I liked, I went after them more aggressively--so maybe my phoning and badgering and running my fingertips up the nape of his neck kinda scared Kevin off. Okay! So Charlie is scary and imposing and aggressive and needs to give Kevin some space. Got it!

On the other hand...

Last time he was over, I was running about, trying to finish up my work. So he made himself comfortable laying on the edge of my bed. And he's started making sex/penis jokes, which is an entirely unexpected first! (For example: while playing Settlers of Catan, he managed to make "wood" jokes.) Welcome? Maybe, maybe.

Maybe I'm just giving meaning to events. Actually, I am definitely giving meaning to events, but perhaps they're wrong or perhaps I believe too strongly in them. Like when he initiated physical contact with me for the second time ever. Is that a sign? Maybe? Probably not! Things only fit so well in retrospect. If we end up going together, that will look as a landmark; if we don't, I will forget it ever happened.


Analysis

Why do I like Kevin? --And I mean that in the best way possible.

He doesn't scan or study or judge me--or if he does, it's not on a conscious level. This alone would probably be enough! I'm not sure if I mentioned before, but the day I got my "very" short haircut, he was the first to see it, and he said nothing. No "I like your hair" or "You got your hair cut!" bullshit, nothing. I loved it.

Something in my gut tells me he's a person who is...changing / moving / not-still inside. Or maybe it's more like waterwheel perfectly balanced and awaiting the one drop that will make it spin forward. I'm a little scared to lead/push him the wrong way. I want him to be his own person and carve his own path, but I want to see where he goes--both out of curiosity and because he means something to me.

I guess, tied to the above, he's new ground to me. I've never met someone like him, and I love that. It's both my...cerebral curiosity and my..."soul" curiosity. He himself said he realized just how young he is and how this is the time to explore and make mistakes.



[post abandoned]

BIG FLAMING HOMO

Artwork

Here are two watercolours from over Easter:

1. There was an article on rabbits on the Easter newspaper, and they were just so adorable. I dug out my watercolours.

I tried to get that "fuzzy" effect of wet-on-wet. Didn't quite work. Also, Bunny looks too tall, like it's a hunched monster, instead of a cute nibbler. The grass didn't turn out nicely, either. I think the biggest problem is my lack of planning.

2. I put more planning into this doodle.

I like this little fellow a lot! This piece is on display in my room.


Queer

I've been thinking about queerness again. The issue has come up with one of my close friends, let's call him Andy, because he's mostly straight, but he loves his best friend, and now they're acting on it.

Andy was one of the first people I came out to--of course, because we were close friends. He didn't get why I had to make such a big deal out of being queer; it's not his business, so why should he care? And every time I'd say something unquestionably queer, he'd call me on it and get fed up immediately. Can't say I'd have blamed him; I think I was the first queer person he had a relationship with.

Anyway. Turns out he loves his best friend. He told me that, ever since I came out to him, he'd been thinking about his love for his best friend. I don't mean to be an I-told-you-so, but I could tell my queerness made him uncomfortable on a deeper and more personal level than just, "Ew, you're a queer person." But I figured it'd be best to let him figure out why he reacted so much.

Our relationship's been through a heck of a lot. I'm not sure what's going on right now; we talked about our differences. He thinks Gay Pride Parades are counterproductive, because shoving it in others' faces won't make them any more accepting. I believe Gay Pride Parades are more about celebrating than convincing. Similarly, I don't think fiancees invite guests to their wedding to convince them they love eachother; they invite others to celebrate.

Is it vain to celebrate in public? Maybe. But some people think they have all sorts of rights. I still remember our History teacher saying, "Some people believe they have the right to be surrounded only by white people." Similarly, I think some people believe they have the right to be surrounded by only heteronormative people.

Andy says that I'm intolerant of those who aren't as open-minded. Sadly, I think he's got a point. I really, really wish people were more open-minded. At the same time, I'm learning that there needs to be all sorts of people for the world to work. (I think that's what the Tower of Babel was about.)

"You need to be more open-minded!" has been added to my list of ironic phrases.


I like obscenity

I'm not sure why. I like that it rubs us the wrong way and makes us uncomfortable. I like controversy and making people uncomfortable. Is that selfish? Do I like being made uncomfortable? ... I think I do; sometimes. I can appreciate it when something makes me uncomfortable--intellectually.

Sometimes I'm a bit too obscene for my own social survival (like playing games with Kevin's brother who's three years younger than us). Man, I can just see it happening--I'm courting Kevin and I'm over for a family dinner and I start talking about clits and menstruation over a fabulous turkey dinner and suddenly everyone has lost appetite.

I'm trying to tone it down when I'm around certain crews.


Church

I stick out in my church. We're maybe 99% Asians, and all of us, generally, very traditional. Of the women, I probably have the shortest hair. I try to style it so that it looks "modern" as opposed to "masculine", but somehow I'm always wearing masculine ("gender neutral" at best) clothes, too. Everyone always says it's "cute", like if they said anything else, it might be insulting or give me away as a queer.

Dammit, I'm pretty open, too.

I want to be a FLAMING HOMO in my church. But that's a bit difficult for women; I guess I could pierce the bajeebus out of my face, and wear a mohawk and black pants with metal chains hanging everywhere. Or, I dunno, plaid and steel-toed boots.

The weird thing is that I trust our leaders: pastors and some elders and teachers, and even some of the more prominent figures in our general body/classes. But it's everyone else; the way gossip travels, the way everyone is up in everyone else's business--I can't stand that.

I'd love it if I could shout, "WOOO, I'M A HOMO!" and stop everyone from trying to ask and gossip. "GET OVER IT!" I know this group of people would have little problem with it; and there would definitely be some people on the ends of the spectrum, who'd either congratulate me, or condemn me; but the majority of them would whisper about how sorry they are for my soul: "Is that proper? I don't think it's proper. Maybe she'll go to Hell. Poor girl. Let's pray that she changes."

"THAT'S RIGHT, I LOVE CLIT! BOOBS ARE FANTASTIC, AND NIPPLES ARE FLIPPIN' AMAZING!"

Haha. Right, that's happening.

--Charlie!

Arousal, Politics and Minorities

Confession!

There's this guy at work, he used to be an interviewer, and then he became a mentor, and now he's a team leader. He's got a voice like suede. Warm, deep brown suede that kind-of glints in the right light. It's calm, baritone but with an inner brightness, and it pushes everything else out of my head when he talks in his professional way. It makes me tingle, and I want to jump his voice every time I hear it.


Massage

I went for that one-hour couples' relaxation massage with Mark today. It wasn't nearly as intense as the other one, but it was very relaxing indeed! Unfortunately, my legs are still very stiff, I think. My masseuse spent much longer on my legs than Mark's spent on his.


No subtlety at all

Mark and I talked after. He said that was a great hour-long erection.

Y'know, I don't think I could stand being male. I really cannot handle being aroused, and from what I understand, puberty is a terribly confusing and (sometimes) frightening experience for males, because of sexual arousal or new bodily abilities. I think I would absolutely freak out if I woke up with an erection. Just--"what the fuck is this?!"

On the plus, I've heard that the arousal generally goes away once a male ejaculates, so maybe that's helpful.

I've heard that for most women, and I'd include myself, arousal is smoother, longer and doesn't just peak and fall off. It could take hours or days to get a woman in the mood. It generally happens over a longer time, and fades slower.

Sometimes I'd wish to trade for getting it out of my system as quickly as possible. Seriously? I cannot handle being aroused. I become (more) obscene around people, and it's so difficult to focus on anything other than ways to satisfy myself.

It's fun, I guess. And it's not like this happens very often--just, the times it does happen, it's barely within my control.

Man, I really hope this becomes easier to handle, with age.


Moving along...

I'm feeling creative again. I think I need to read more books. I feel like writing something--creating worlds again.


Sudden Political Topic!

Okay, I apologize in advance for not having any specifics, but I was watching some sort of interview with Stephen Harper and the reporter asked what he thought about some recent poll.

The PM's response was something like, "I don't listen to polls--this poll says one thing and another poll will tell you otherwise. No, I will not make a decision based only on the polls. I will make a decision based on what is right."

What?

Dude, I get that you want to do the right thing, but you were voted into a Democracy! I don't think that was the smartest thing to say. Nor do I think that's a very democratic view. We own your ass! We vote--maybe not us, specifically, but we have representatives who speak and act on our behalfs, and unless I really can't remember grade-school Social Studies, these people vote on decisions.

I suppose we also vote for representatives because we have faith in them--or because we lack faith in the others.

Also, what the fuck is the "Christian Heritage Party"?!

The party's explicit goal is to "apply proven Judeo-Christian principles of justice and compassion to Canada's contemporary public policy needs". The party claims that it seeks to represent all Christians in Canada, but that they acknowledge many Christians are members of other parties, and they specifically deny any interest in converting Canadians to Christianity. It also claims to be Canada's only pro-life federal political party, and emphasizes that the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms acknowledges "God" (in its members' interpretation meaning the Judeo-Christian God) in its preamble. Other policies include staunch opposition to same sex marriage, staunch support for the US-led war in Iraq, and a subsidy for parents raising children, to encourage one parent to stay at home rather than working.

Wow. Just, fuckin' wow.

There's so much in politics that makes me angry. I want to be out there fighting for Queers, Immigrants, the Homeless, and many other minorities. I want Queers and Immigrants to feel safe and entitled to the same legal rights as those in majorities. And why the fuck are there homeless people in fuckin' Canada?!

I never used to be politically-minded. It used to be head-knowledge: "This is a cabinet, these are members of parliament, Canada borrows from the British system, the Queen blah blah blah."

I guess being Queer does that.

There's a feeling I have, like a pressure; as though I should only care for these minorities because I share commonalities. I hate that feeling. I hate that feeling like I'd have to be in that persecuted group in order to care for them. No! Fuckin' no!

Sure it's part of the reason, but you don't have to be homeless to be homeless, you don't have to be homeless to be poor. You don't have to be a Queer Asian Female to be different in some way from the people who would decide the bigger things in your life.

I know of no person who has the luxury of having nothing in common with those who are persecuted.

Do people fight only for the things they are a part of? I think so--at least, that it's a big tendency. Which would mean that minorities will stay minorities.

Just a quick example, because I'm falling asleep and need an example:

Assume the popular belief is that Bobs are worthless, and Bobs are a minority. Suppose a few (or all the) Bobs stand up for the belief that Bobs are not worthless. Since the popular belief is that Bobs are worthless, and humans have a tendency not to fight for something unless they belong to it, the Bobs will never convince a majority that Bobs are not worthless.

Man, I need to sleep on a happier note.

FLUFFY PINK BUNNIES.

--Charissa

Lots of Stuff and Polar Curves

The L Word

So I've started watching The L Word again. At the Rainbow Pride group in University, we started watching Season One The L Word once a week. I've just finished Season Two and have begun Season Three.

I love that this series exists, but I'm a little annoyed that they're mostly lipstick lesbians. Sigh. Same with Exes and Ohs.


Illness

Backstory

Last year, James house-sat in the city for a week. Unfortunately for him, it was the week before exams, when everything was due; and he also caught a nasty bug. And, of course, this is the first time he'd, effectively, lived alone. No Mum, no siblings, not many nearby friends.

On his last day there, I came over to take care of him. I brought him garlic soup, which was a hasty and sloppy experiment involving green roasted garlic, sage, bay leaves and, did I mention garlic? It turned out decently, thankfully. I stayed overnight in the spare room.

Having a robust immune system, I didn't catch his bug that night.

Unfortunately, I later sprayed some artwork with a fixative, and inhaled some acetone. Acetone hurts my throat so bad. I slept fitfully that night, and my nose bled (from the acetone) into my throat (because I was asleep), and I awoke with one nostril entirely plugged and one bone dry, and a throat that felt as though it had been scraped with steel wool.

In comparison with what came next, this was nothing.

The fever started in the late evening, as I recall. It was warm, then cool; then hot, then freezing cold. And everything hurt. Anywhere that my skin was touched, it hurt. I went to wash my hands, and the water falling on my hands hurt. I tried sleeping, but my back was wrought with pain--and my joints! Man, I would really hate to be arthritic, if that was anything like it. All my joints hurt: when I moved and when I was still.

I think the lowest point was after I had fallen asleep a few hours.

I awoke, crying. And I thought, "WTF, why am I crying? Oh! I'm crying because I'm cold! OMG WHY AM I SO FUCKING COLD?!" and I ran upstairs, crying and shivering and sweating, to my mom.

From there, it got better. I was able to sleep, and the pain even went away, slowly but surely. From start to finish, this was about three nights.

Now

Yesterday, I slept badly, and I think, once more, my nose bled backwards into my throat, because I awoke, today, with that same type of scraped-throat pain.

I'm not sure what happened, but I was sitting with my mom, talking about what groceries to get, and then she went off topic and talked about a bunch of other stuff. I'm not sure why, but I got really upset--even punched the wall--the metal part of the wall. And then I ran crying to my room.

Then I went to get groceries. Man, not good. I came back with a splitting headache, partly because I read the bus schedule wrong and went out half an hour early.

I'm not too bad now. Just trying to relax.


St Valentine's Day

St Valentine's Day is rapidly approaching.

There's this guy at work, he seems to be buddying-it-up with me, a bit. It's kinda cute. He's totally not my type--which reminds me! Mark asked me, "On a scale of 1 to 7, how sexy am I?" I said, if seven is the sexiest, he's a five. Then I asked the same question to him. He said, with my long hair, a five; but with my short hair, a three. He's totally not my target audience anyway :P.

I want to send Kevin flowers.

Not specifically Kevin, but I just feel like it would make someone's day, to receive a single, brightly-coloured flower--a gerber, maybe. Something about sending flowers just strikes me as...a beautiful thing to do, and that, the only possible way it could not make someone's day is if the person were allergic or didn't like the colour, or the person had nowhere to keep it.

Anyway.


Polar Curves

This is what I really wanted to talk about!

I recently got this program, Graph, which, as you might've guessed, is a graphing program! It's lovely! I'd donate if I had money!

To the right is a snapshot from Graph, of a cardioid, which is named thus because it looks something like a heart.

I graphed a bunch of other polar curves on this. Mostly, I made "flowers":



I also made this one, which looks something like a seven-leafleted plant. Sweet.

So, yeah. Polar Co-ordinates. Great stuff.


Off to sleep, hopefully.
--Charissa

TEH GAYS!

What means "gay"?

Ask around, and you'll get so many different answers.

"Gay means you like men, if you're a man."

"Gay means you fart rainbows."

"Gay means YOU'RE A FAG!"

"Gay means you like people of the same sex."

"Gay means you like people of the same gender."

"Gay means you're a homosexual."

"Gay means you want to have sex with a man, if you're a man."

...

Truthfully, I'm not really sure what gay means, either. It has something to do with liking someone of the same sex or gender. It gets blurry when you add in things like trans-gendered people, trans-sexual people, actions, history, preference... But, in the broadest sense, it means a same-sex or same-gender attraction.

Does being gay mean you're physically attracted to the same sex or gender (for the purposes of brevity, I'll just say one or the other from now on)? Not necessarily. It's totally possible to have a purely emotional bond.

Here's another way to think of it. There's a celibate holy man who has no physical desires for women nor men. Is he gay? Is he straight? I don't know!


I like to call myself gay sometimes and generally use the word gay very loosely. I also like to use the word lesbian, but gay is more hilarious. Rush Hour Three was gay!

Honestly, aside from a few general guidelines, these word--gay, bi, lesbian, gender, sex, trans-gendered, trans-sexual, gender-queer, lesbi-bi, curly... They're not well-defined, and their meanings really just depend on what you decide they mean to you.

If someone asks me whether or not I'm gay, I might simplify things by saying, "Yeah." And if they're cerebral enough to realize that wasn't a very descriptive answer, they'll follow-up with, "What does it mean to be gay?", whereupon I'll tell them what it means for me, myself, to be gay.

It means I like women. I love women's bodies. I love the way women can think, feel, and generally live in the world. I'm physically attracted to women. I feel a deeper connection with certain women, and the idea of powerful or empowered women.

It means I'm not overly feminine. I like wearing neck ties. I like wearing men's suits and blazers and jackets. I like passing as a man when I go to the symphony. I like being given the key to the men's toilet when I ask to use the restroom.

It means I like men--a little. Mostly, I like certain men, or have liked certain men. And I don't believe that my like or love for them was any less real because of my being gay. I could love another man. But I could love a woman in the same ways.

It means I love the Queer community. Lesbians are amazing--they'll bake you cookies and lift heavy objects! Gay men are quaint and inspiring. And everyone, on any part of the "spectrum" (rainbow) is beautiful and lovely and wonderful! Everyone has a story. Everyone brings his or her story and qualities and questions and experiences to the community.


When I talk about "being gay", I'm not just talking about my attraction for women--or any one lone part. It's so much more than that three-letter word. It's a part of who I am--and this is more what people mean when they say, "I identify as ______." It's part of who you are.

I am Charissa, and I am a Rainbow Person
I am Bisexual
I am Gender-Queer
I am Curly
I am Queer
I am Gay Sometimes
I am Charissa!

Margaret Cho and Me

Margaret Cho

I've been watching some of Margaret Cho's performances on YouTube lately.

I think Margaret Cho is my hero now.

I was watching "I'm the One That I Want", and so much of it resonated within me. Expectations, Asian mother, bisexuality, low self-esteem, more expectations, uncertain identity...

(Aside: I find the way YouTube displays "Related Videos" on the side of a video to be terribly annoying in the way it truncates the title, so if you're looking for "Part 7/10", it usually gets cut off. So, I've made quick tables for myself and others to use!)

"I'm the One That I Want" (YouTube)
Part 1	Part 2	Part 3	Part 4	Part 5A, 5B
Part 6	Part 7	Part 8	Part 9	Part 10

"Assassin" (YouTube)
Part 1	Part 2	Part 3	Part 4
Part 5	Part 6	Part 7	Part 8

Me

I'm finding myself lost again. I had my best friend come over last week (or so). It was...good, but also frightening. We still have this thing, where we just know what the other is saying, or is trying or wanting to say, even if the other is stuck on the word or whatever. And we still have the ability to surprise eachother--we tell jokes, which are maybe five words long, and the other can't stop laughing!

At the same time, he'll be moving to either Hartford or Miami for school, which is sad and... I don't know what the word is.

In my graduating year, I wanted to be an Acoustical Engineer. I was actually considering going to Hartford for my education, too.

I'm not sure what happened, though.

And that... sort of scares me. I'm not sure what happened.


I was chatting online with an old classmate from high school. She's into some of that "New Age" stuff, like homeopathy, and has pretty radical but forward ideas.

We talked--inevitably, about me, because I'm such a windbag sometimes. I'd said something about having no motivation, and she said that lack of motivation comes from repressing what you want. And this struck me as true.

The unfortunate side of this, is that I am a First Generation Canadian, and my parents have "Old World" expectations of me:
- go to University
- become a "professional" (ie: letters behind my name, a job that requires an expensive education; eg: doctor, lawyer...)
- support them until they die

Aside from these, are more implied and less action-oriented:
- marry a nice man; having kids would be very nice (my two older brothers are not married)
- have a license, drive a car
- don't be fat
- be pretty
- be proper (polite, etc)
- achieve things that have documentation (eg: awards, certificates, grants, scholarships...)

Reminds me of something Margaret Cho said in ITOTIW. A reporter had asked her whether or not it was true that she had been made to lose weight, to play the part of herself, on her own television show.

Sometimes I feel I'm being pressured to [do this] because it's "who/how I should be".

I should be assertive. Sure, no problem with that one.
I should be world-wise. Ennh, maybe, sometimes, maybe.
I should not get upset over other people's problems. Uhh...
I should not trust people. Okay, shut up.

Sometimes I wonder what it means to live as a Christian. Sure I know why I can call myself Christian--that's on a personal level. What do Christians "look like"?

This is one of the reasons I don't want to be "wise in the ways of the world". Whenever I feel that way, I also feel... out-of-character and as though I don't fit or belong that way or belong in that "worldly" world.

I'm very mental. ...By which I mean, things happen in my mind more than anywhere else. This is why I love doing math problems or proofs--I see through to the other side, and while I'm doing it, I'm writing down a physical record of it.

But because I'm very mentally active, that is the first thing I try to shut up when I'm trying to relax or calm myself down. Thus, I rarely get anything finished. Thinking gets me excited, sometimes upset. I'm pretty passionate in that Scorpio way.

I feel--sometimes I just have to hate. Not so much that "it's okay to hate", but "it is natural to hate things". And my first reaction to this is always, "No, hate is bad!" However, I find, that as soon as I allow myself to be angry, I'm no longer angry.




This post has carried on pretty long and I should sleep. I wanted to upload Strip Calc v. 2c, but it'll have to wait, I guess
--Charissa

Mistaken Sex, Diagrams, and Everyone is Quitting

I got mistaken for a man today!

Well, maybe, sorta, I dunno. I went to get doughnuts and wanted to use the washroom, but you needed to get a key, and the cashier handed me the mens' room key. Woots.

Also, when I went for lunch with James, I had to use the washroom because I'd walked too fast and had started sweating. Two elderly ladies came into the washroom, separately, and had extremely puzzled expressions on their faces! I had taken off my inner shirt so I could dry it using the blow-dryer, and the first lady eyed me so strangely. I smiled back. I dunno, what else could I do? I suppose I could have declared, "I'm a lady!" but maybe that would've been too odd.


Teaching

We started the Transformations unit today. Some kids aren't quite sure what this whole "negative f of x" or "f of negative x" or "inverse f" is, so they're not sure what the whole "even, odd or neither" thing is, too. THERE'S EVEN A HANDY-DANDY CHART!

One of my favourite ways of explaining things is through the use of charts and diagrams, as you may have noticed. Maybe. I love how it's very graphical and intuitive--or maybe it's just intuitive to me. Flow charts are one of my favourites, though.

I decided I'd make another flow chart:

Mostly, I made this because one student has already e-mailed me asking how to do the assignment. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder what they do in class!

As a side-note... I noticed the kids tend to get very restless around 16:00. I should keep this in mind.


Army

Augh. We started off with four untrained Privates. In a few weeks, there will only be two. Few weeks after that, maybe only me.

C-- had a series of personal tragedies, and, next to me, I'd say she was the least "army" of us four. So she left.

K-- is the most "army" of us all. She tried doing Reg Force BMQ several times, but, each time, a few weeks before completion, she'd get sick or injured. She just advanced in her Civi job, though, so she won't have any more time for Army from now on.

And, F-- is thinking he might switch over to Reg Force. He'll decide by Tuesday, but he seemed pretty gung-ho about it already.

AUGH! Why?! WHY?? If I had balls, I'd say this was like a kick in the balls. The person in charge of us is pretty intimidating (although, one of the new Officer Cadets said, "Oh, you're cute!" to her face and stayed un-punched). I would not like to be left alone with her.

Sigh. Well, at least I can do BMQ, and sooner, now that I've talked to my employer at the Maths school. Wooo...


Okay, sleepy time.
--Charissa (or is it Charles?)

Rest!

Finally, some Charissa-time!

Tomorrow, I'm getting a long-awaited haircut; doing some grocery shopping; and spending some long-awaited time with Kevin! We're going to grab a bite and see Hitman at the theatre. Then, I dunno, tea or something (he doesn't drink coffee or hot chocolate). He's so wholesome!

Wednesday is going to be my stay-at-home day. I'm going to do my house work: tidy my upstairs-room, tidy my real (downstairs) room; do my remaining army laundry; start planning where things will go in my (real) room after the carpet/etc gets done (I so need another closet or dresser). And then James is having his housewarming party, and I should go to that, because I said I would. I baked a cake; I hope it hasn't gone bad.

And Thursday, it's back into the fray. I should also probably bring something to the bake sale. Probably. It'd be good of me.


Relationships?

I'm finding myself thinking back to when I was with James. I saw the world so differently then; I was so different. I was so in love! What's changed? I'm colder, I think; less willing to put myself wholly into something lest it backfire somehow. Am I "afraid of getting hurt"? I don't know. I know that my first "boyfriend" hurt me so bad; I was craving any form of validation after we broke up; I learned about pain and maybe that's when I started to be masochistic, I'm not sure.

Anyway.

I fell in love with details. I'm sure that when I see James again on Wednesday, I'll still be in love with his details; much has changed, but much has stayed the same. He still crosses his hands at the wrists like puppies' paws. He still does that physical "closing up" when he's...uncertain and maybe feels vulnerable--I've yet to work out what it means. ... These are things I fell in love with.

I'm sure there are so many other people with details I could fall in love with; but I haven't found them, and part of me is scared to; and part of me is scared they'll be found by someone else instead. Do I feel lonely? Sure--I'm always lonely in Winter. I have been single every Summer of my life. I don't know why; a friend said that at least I'm warm all year round that way, and we laughed. Maybe I just like snuggling, I dunno.

And then there's Kevin.

I don't know. I like the guy. He's charming--he's delightful--but he's also a Virgo. Maybe that's all he is or will be.

So much of me is confused, or at least ambivalent.

I'm sure I'd make a terrible mother; I don't want to have kids. In the long run, I would so love to settle down with another woman; maybe adopt, I dunno. I found myself wishing that James were a lesbian--he'd make a great lesbian, too!--and now the same is happening with Kevin.

On the bus the other day, a guy and girl sat behind me. They seemed university-aged. The guy talked about all sorts of things that were very University-male-esque but also cunning or clever. And the girl replied in very simple-University-girl-esque ways. He actually coaxed her entire history of residence out of her--so smoothly, too! He summarized Punk so effectively! He talked about biking to Mexico! Man! Where do these guys come from?! Now if only women also came that way!

...Which I'm sure they do, but they're probably hetero or spoken-for. Argh.

I have to go to the gay bar again--it'd be so good for me. And gay men are amazing; friendly, hugging and inspiring--"Have a beautiful day!"


Sigh. Sleeeeeeeeep.
--Charissa

Quick update

because I didn't think it worthwhile to make a whole new post.

Went to see Hitman with Kevin. I'm pretty impressed with how he'd bend at the knees and hunch a little so that we were closer to eye-level. And he wasn't afraid to get close to me--face-wise, at least. I don't think he liked Hitman very much; but he's a Film Kid, so at least he can appreciate the cinematography... and the part where Nika is naked but the blanket's teasing and covering just part of her breasts, and then she just gets right out of bed and she's only wearing a thong. We got to see her breasts a lot in that film. "Clearly, this was worth the nine bucks."

13:15 Dec 19
--Charissa!

Theology!

So. I was born into a Chinese Christian family, and I was baptized as a member of a Chinese Alliance Church on December 17, 2006; I was eighteen and it was my decision.

Being gay (okay, "bisexual", but I'm beginning to find that word a little clumsy and irritating) in a very conservative Chinese church has its excitements. When I first came out to the English pastor, he didn't seem very knowledgeable or open, so maybe he automatically went to stereotypes (there's a topic I could go on about!) like being anti-gay. And then we talked over the next few weeks, and I brought him up to speed with my "journey" and beliefs.

... I remember, though, one time, we had an outreach, and I brought my buddy Jonathon, who is pretty much an Atheist and a huge jerk. Jon asked about gay people in church, and the English Pastor said, "I would love it if there were gay people in our church!" which said a lot about his ideas of who gay people are.

But, I must admit, he seemed much more open-minded and less "OMG!" when we last talked.


There are a few places in the Bible, with which I have issues. Mostly, they're things like this:

Genesis 3
The Fall of Man

(The Serpent has talked Eve into eating of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil; Eve gave some to Adam; they felt naked and hid; God approaches them and then begins to punish them all.)

My biggest beef here is what God says to Eve in Gen 3:16...

¹⁶ To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you."

Kay, wait. What?

Sometimes I wonder if we've "grown out of the old curses". This is my biggest question, because it leads so many ways...

Have we grown out of some parts of the Bible?

I know the invention of words like "gay" or "homosexual" are very recent to the English language, where their definitions vary. Some cultures have/had very specific words for identities like... "Person who was born male, lives a masculine lifestyle and is attracted to men" or "Person who was born female has been intimate with men but prefers women".

Homosexuality as we now know it was not a concept known to those in "biblical times", so it could not have been written about the way we could understand it. Some would argue that only homosexual actions (and not homosexuality) are written about in the Bible.

So, that brings me back to Gen 3:16. There exists counter-example! ... Therefore...?

I'm not sure how to end that sentence.


Hinduism

I've started watching this television show, when I can spare the time. One episode, the hostess talked with the writer of Dharma, Karma and Much More, which is, from my understanding, a sort of FAQ and intro to Hinduism.

In my setting (suburban, Chinese, Canadian, Christian...), I've not had much exposure to Hinduism, except through the last seasons of Xena: Warrior Princess, so I already respected and admired Hinduism.

What I most love is the acceptance and open-ness. The author even said, "You are Muslim, I am Hindu", meaning that we each go our own way--such is life, and we should accept it!


Community

I like my church, in some ways, yes. But at the same time, I can't stand the social games some of the women play. I can't stand how it's about status and image and how they can gossip and not realize it's gossip!

Haha. My best friend Eric sometimes expresses that he wishes I went to his church, a Lutheran church. I also wish; but it would be like giving up my church. ... Why can't we be less polarized--less set against each other--and more united? Why would switching churches seem like abandoning?


Image

Sigh. I'm not sure if I'm falling for "image" again. Christianity is supposed to be about acceptance, too, since Jesus was a cage-rattler and stood up for those who "got no respect". But Christianity has sort of become the badguy in most people's minds--at least, from what I see and hear personally and through the media. Maybe it's like America--just a few really bad example shake its entire image.

This is one arguments I made about the word "bisexual" when I was coming out. "It's normal, and now there's a word for it!" was my war-cry. I guess my words are coming back to me now; I want to be able to say "I am Christian" without also thinking, "But I'm not one of those lunatics!" I don't know if I can get to that point, though.

Which is not to say that I'll not be/call myself Christian! I won't give up! I just think it'd be easier to be Christian if I were Hindu.


This is something I do pray about--not just talk. I wish it were easier to "be Christian". I know there is a tangible and supernatural force that also created the universe; but what makes me so certain that force is the Christian God? Why isn't that force someone or something else?

Did Jesus exist? Yes, I believe that to be historically true.
Is Jesus the Son of God? Yes, I believe that to be true, though I admit it is harder.
Did Jesus die for me? Yes, I believe that I have indeed done evil, and that my actions have consequence both here and in Eternity (whatever that looks like), and that Jesus took that Eternal punishment in my place.


Sigh.
--Charissa

Art and Stuff

I realized, the other day, that I'm not making as much art as I would like. And since Autumn passed me by uncaptured (by camera and canvass), I decided the next piece I do will be "epic" and about Autumn! Here's a "sketch" I've made of it in Flash MX.

(I still can't believe Adobe bought Flash... The version I use still says "Macromedia Flash MX" on it.)


New Loading Screen on Intro to Epsilons and Deltas

Also shown here.

Epsilons and Deltas is a little animation that I've been working on for about a year. It's a short story about Math and Love. Awwww. It also features two girls, a strip from xkcd, and La Campanella by Franz Liszt.

The old loading screen didn't have red-bowtie-girl running along the loading bar; she just stationary-ran beside the percent-loaded display, and it looked a little tacky. This one has a nicer "floaty" and "Ooh, numbers!" feel to it, which I don't mind at all! But, we'll see if I can even still improve it...


Other Stuff

My eldest brother went back to school in January, and has asked me to help him out with derivatives! I think I'll do another of those Flash tutorials like in the previous post.

He's also sending over a box of goodies from Germany! There'll be Lebkuchen, my favourite kind, with the candied orange peel inside and wafer on the bottom and either dusted lightly with powdered sugar or coated in chocolate! Mmmm! Also, a digital camera and computer gear!


Events

Nov 01

I'm Employee of the Month! Hoorays, I guess!

Nov 05 (today!)

Grocery shopping. Hells yeah.

Work at the Reserves tonight. Hells yeah...

Should call the bakery to pre-order special bagels.

Should drop by the library to return Dragons in the Water by Madeline l'Engle; and take out another Origami book and Math book.

Nov 06

Meet up with the teacher to lend him the entire S4 Pre-Calculus curriculum... I'm wary of lending that to anyone, and of all people, him...

Should swing by the bakery for more bagels... Mmm, pumpernickel bagels...

Also hoping to spend some good time with my best friend Eric!

Should also swing by the Rainbow Pride group at the university. I haven't been there in ages--mostly because I'm trying to avoid someone.

Nov 09

Kevin's birthday party, at last!

Nov 10

Homo Hop, a queer-oriented social. I'm not sure if I'll go... We'll see.

That's all for now. I should get some work done today.
--Charissa

Dressup!

I was at work, wondering what I'd like to dress up as for Halloween. Even though I'm too old for trick-or-treat-ing, I still like to dress up for fun.

Last year, I went to University as a drunken wench--bottle and everything--which was neat, because we got our assignments back that day, and I got 100%.

I couldn't decide on a costume.

So I pondered...	...and pondered.

Aha!

I decided I'd dress up as my dad!

Actually, that's not entirely accurate. I decided I'd dress up as one of those old-days Chinese martial artists -type guys; but when I grew out my goatee, I looked disturbingly like my father.

How appropriate for Halloween!

--Charissa!

Waterless and Queer

Phew, it's been a terribly full few days.

I live with my folks still (hey, I'm not so old yet), in the basement of our house. Well, actually, our basement has two levels: topographically, one half is on top of the other. On the upper half is my room, the downstairs washroom and the "computer room".

The pipe under the sink of the downstairs washroom broke.

I woke up Wednesday morning to the sound like the upstairs shower was on or the toilet was flushing; and my parents yelling things to eachother. Water had leaked from the washroom, into my room, the computer room and even the basement. We managed to turn the water, so that no more water leaked through; but it took a while to clean up the rest; and since we turned off our water, we wouldn't be able to use the water until we turned it on again.

So, we've been waterless for a few days.



I'm not straight.

I've known I liked women for some time now. I think I first noticed in highschool Art class, because I paid the same kinds of attention to the female figure as the male figure (which some people found a little odd); and I've always been a little gender-queer. I guess last year, 2006, was the first time I did anything about it (I joined the LGBTT* student group at university).

I also came out to my close friends; and, only this month, my pastor at church.

He disappointed me a little; because either he really just doesn't have the words or experience to articulate what he means, or he really is just close-minded. It would break my heart if he turned out to be so "typical" a church leader as to have a closed-mind.

The same day I came out to him, his wife had asked that, if I ever needed "someone older--but not too much older!" to speak to, like a mentor, then we should go out for coffee or something sometime and talk. And then, later that day, I came out to her husband, the pastor. He asked me how old I was, and it felt like hew as leafing through a textbook. "Oh, well, you know, sometimes--and I don't mean to, ah, ah, categorize you, but--sometimes, teenagers have this, ah, sort of, a sexual confusion." And before he left, he asked if he could pray for me (I said sure, and it wasn't quite as disappointing as I'd feared).

This past Sunday, the pastor bumped into me again for the first time since I'd come out to him. I was reading Oscar Wilde collection I'd recently bought, because I had about four hours to kill before work that day. The pastor sat down beside me and said, "Oh, you like Oscar Wilde?" It sounded more like, "I didn't know gays liked Oscar Wilde! Was he gay? I didn't think he was gay!"

Then, he asked if I'd like to get together with him to "talk further about, ah, that." I said sure. I also wanted to ask if his wife would be there, too, since she'd offered the same thing (less specifically) before him (and I'm worried he'll still be disappointing); but I had the feeling that he'd be scared I'd hit on his wife or something, so I didn't ask.

We're getting together tomorrow around lunchtime. I don't know quite how I feel. Mostly I have this feeling I'm going to be inarticulate and let down, either by my disarticulation-ness or by his lack of...something, understanding.

I pray it goes well...
--Charissa