Stfu Stuff

Artwork

Woots! Bobfest V is up!

You can also check out what the wall of Boobfest looks like now.

There's also this painting.

This was something I thought up while putting together my army kit. It didn't turn out exactly as I wanted, but pretty close. I think I'll do more of this style in the future; I like it a lot.


Relationships

I think I finally got it through my thick skull that Kevin and I wouldn't work out in a romantic relationship. I'm much too needy--I'm glad that finally got through to me.

It's kinda interesting right now. Maybe I'm just making up meanings, but the fact is that I've sent him about five e-mails recently, two of which asked if he would like to do something this week, and the rest were "just business". He's responded to the "just business ones" only--even the "just business" e-mail that was sent after the "let's hang out" e-mails.

So, I dunno. Maybe he thinks I'm going after him--which I sort of was. I'd love for us to be close friends the way Eric and I are friends, or, at least, the way Eric and I can communicate and know but be pleasantly surprised by one another.

It's... irritating. I wonder how much of it is me and how much of it is.. not me, and what constitutes "not me".

Anyway.


Army

Got my Civi kit inspection today. Probably will get yelled at for not having the "Recommended" items (only the "Mandatory" ones; but you know what, I don't have a ride and I'm not hauling stupid amounts of kit around on a bus.


Me

I've been so angry lately. I want to punch things. I had a dream where I was doing one-handed knuckle push-ups, and it fucking hurt, but I kept going and going until I was absolutely spent.

I don't know what to do--never been... "chronically angry" before.

Exercise, I think.


--Charlie

New Work

Writing.Com

I've begun a portfolio at Writing.Com! You can view it here!

Items there:

• Strip Calc version 1 **updated**
  
• Sitting
  
• Strip Calc bersion 2c

deviantArt

For reference, here's my deviantArt page. I've updated Part III from Epsilons and Deltas.

Once again:

Film and Kevin and Neek

Went to the University's film festival tonight. Kevin had two shorts he directed; Neek had one. Both pretty good.

Went for Tim's with Neek after. He suggested I finish Epsilons and Deltas and submit it next year. Kinda inspired me to work on it tonight. Not sure when I'll finish; but it'd be very nice.

G'night.

--Charlie!

FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I am so fucking pissed off right now. So fucking angry. SO FUCKING ANGRY.

Went in for my kit inspection tonight, and found out I'm not actually leaving this month. I'm not leaving until the end of fucking June. THE END OF FUCKING JUNE.

Two fucking months. This means, not only do I have to suck through GD for two months, it also means I'll be later registering for University courses and maybe I won't even be going back to school this year. FUCKING NOT GOING BACK TO FUCKING SCHOOL FUCKING YET. That's FUCKING INTOLERABLE--one year without school was enough. TWO FUCKING years is too much.

Only a few upsides to this:

• I can say my goodbyes to everyone I hoped to say goodbye to, for real this time;
  
• I can (hopefully) go to the bikeathon again this year;
  
• I can spend more time with Kevin (though I've got it better in my head what I want / what will happen with "us", but that's another topic);
  
• I have more time to sort myself out;
  
• I can get my army kit sorted out; and
  
• I have more time to get in better shape.

Downsides:

• I took an LOA from work;
  
• I took an LOA from teaching;
  
• I told all my friends and acquaintances that I'm leaving at the end of April;
  
• I have to fucking do General Duties (GD) for another two fucking months;
  
• I am so fucking angry right now; and
  
• I have less time to register / think about University courses.

I should also add that on Saturday--the day when I normally teach--I have to choose between getting paid for teaching (and possibly also teaching) or fucking playing with FIRE on base. I'll probably go with FUCKING PLAYING WITH FIRE, HELLS YEAH, just because.

--Charlie

Endgame thoughts

Endgame

At the recommendation of my best friend, I've started watching Endgame. I say "started" because there is so much to digest and it's getting late and already I'm having reactions to the material (it's also over two hours long).


Genetic engineering, Eugenics

I've always been able to relate to the ideas of "perfecting" humanity. I don't mean that I endorse it, but, on a personal level, yes, it makes sense to me. I might not want to have children with someone who had a history of some disease, for example. Do I think people ought to have the choice? I'm not sure. I think so.

But people are so often stupid. I'm not sure if it would be better to have them educated, or to simply limit their choices. Ideally, education; but that seems immensely difficult. I am thinking on it, though.


As a soldier, I'll need that "ideal" body. I want it for myself, yes. I want to train hard for it, I want to eat properly and discipline my body (yes, and I'm staying awake so late).

I think the military--at least, for the jobs that are almost entirely physical--should consist of the best bodies. Statistically, this would include fewer women, I'm sure; but I don't think that should be a deciding factor; there are sure to be women (if only a few) who can meet high physical standards, at least, when given the opportunity.

But, again as a soldier, I would be a tool of the government (I'll use this word very loosely for now). Morally, I can justify being a Reservist, because my focus is more local than international. At the same time, however, I may be used against my own people--Canadians, I mean. For now, I am still comfortable enough.


Brave New World

The beautiful and frightening thing about the "brave new world" is the way everyone can be happy. It's been a while since reading, but I remember the Alphas saying, "Even Epsilons can be useful," or something similar; and Epsilons saying, "I would hate to be an Alpha, they have so much responsibility". They're quite happy with being engineered and given the same expectations as machinery.

It's so efficient. It even works--in theory, at least.

It's frightening how much sense it all makes.

How do you fight that?

The world powers want to make the populations into efficient, expendable property. They have set the battle ground; we cannot choose our terrain, but must meet them on theirs, as I see it. I mean: an inefficient and emotional person will not make a very strong argument, because we have already learned to gauge efficiency and treat it as worth.

How does a slave fight slavery? By being a good slave and acquiring promotions and power? By rebelling and being slain--possibly catching the attention of those with power? I have no answer.


I'm realizing how much I want to be that efficient soldier. I used to be morally opposed to taking painkillers for headaches or illness or anything like that. The only times I've consented to painkillers have been for work or waking (extra) early for school or something else.

For a while, I was off caffeine when I realized I'd fallen into a habit of adding one spoon of instant coffee and one spoon of Ovaltine into my milk every morning, because it made me alert enough to make it to school. It felt entirely too mechanical, and I feared growing dependent.


Is it worse to be dependent or incapable?

For example: Drugs can increase ability (for example, alertness); but dependence is an easily-exploited weakness. Which holds the greater risk/loss?

Eugenics can create beautiful and efficient people, but it could be called a form of dependence--a more diverse population could better withstand certain viruses, for example. However, without the use of eugenics, population may have a higher portion of handicapped persons.

Does it come down to "Efficiency vs. Humanity"?


This is all I can write now. I need sleep. I want Kevin--I want to know his thoughts and motivations, especially on these issues. There's something....deeper or darker that seems to understand or at least acknowledge or struggle with morals or something--I can't tell yet.

Sleep time.
--Charlie

Dreams and Leaving

Dreams

I had a very strange dream about Kevin today/last night. I'll try to summarize it.

We were going for a walk at night, kinda romantic and stuff. I'd been thinking about other people and how he'd never been with anyone else before. So I stopped suddenly and asked him, "How would you describe our relationship?"

I think he paused and eventually said something to the effect of "friendly with a possible romantic interest?"

I laughed, punched him in the arm (in playfulness!) and agreed. We talked about our "relationship", and I eventually said, "Let's have an open relationship" or something.

Later, we met these two or three girls; I think it was on the bus. One of them was based on a co-worker, and another was some pretty girl. The pretty girl was sitting across from us. For some reason, it was made known to everyone that she was interested in dating Kevin. I said, "Well, she's pretty," and she got upset. "Oh, sure, I'm 'pretty', that's all I am, isn't it? Well what do you know!" sort of thing.

The other girl, let's call her Cat, was in front of us, and she kept making eyes at Kevin. I thought it might be interesting to watch, so I scooted over a seat and let her sit beside him.

She's one of those attention-grabbers. She loves attention. She'll speak esoterically and I think the only reason she's interested in some things is for bragging or the sake of being "interesting".

I remember getting sick of her very quickly. But, of course, Kevin liked having this kind of attention paid to him, and found the girl interesting enough, and I was the one who suggested we "open things up a bit", so I held.

It got irritating pretty fast!

I'm not sure exactly how, but I think we all camped or somehow stayed at some house for the night. We took turns "sharing" Kevin. I taught him how to cook and we went for a walk (or something); and she put on a movie and taught him how to cuddle and make out. I was furious.

Actually, I was jealous. I was very vividly jealous. I'd never been jealous like that before--either in real life or dreams.

I'm not sure that it ever ended up getting resolved; I don't remember. But I remember that jealousy cutting into me, like a red-hot fire poker. So I guess the moral of the story is: If I want to have an open relationship with Kevin, I should prepare to be jealous.

Hah!


BMQ/SQ

I've never been away from home and family for two months before. I think the longest was one month, but even then, I was with my eldest brother in Germany.

In less than two weeks, I'll be away for my BMQ/SQ, with no family there. Just me. Me and my thoughts; me and my habits and idiosyncrasies and quirks. And those will slow me down, until I drop them and grow into a soldier--until they remake me in their image.

But, I'm also learning very useful skills--I'll even get my First Aid qualification, which is always great on a resume--and getting paid to learn.

I'm saying "bye" to a lot of friends before leaving. It feels weird. It's only two months. I've gone longer without seeing them, before. Do I want to feel special this time? Maybe. I think I want to be comforted. Strange.


--Charlie!

Kevin!

Kevin

Our "fun question of the day" at work was something like: "What is one very identifying characteristic or quality about yourself? In other words, what is a characteristic you have that makes you 'you'?"

I said something about me being an artist; that I analyze and look for patterns and meanings and, if I can, I add to it.

Kevin came over on Wednesday, and I asked him this question. I asked him that question. His reply surprised me.

"Earnest," he said. I looked questioningly at him. "I mean, I try, I do, honestly." He made some other elaboration I can't quite remember; but mostly, I wasn't familiar with the word "earnest."

earnest
adjective

1. serious in intention, purpose, or effort; sincerely zealous: an earnest worker.
   
2. showing depth and sincerity of feeling: earnest words; an earnest entreaty.
   
3. seriously important; demanding or receiving serious attention.

"earnest." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 11 Apr. 2008. .

Yeah. Wow. That he would say "earnest" as a very identifying characteristic surprises me.

I would have described him as cautious. Uncertain but "going forward" or "willing to go forward" maybe. "Just adventurous enough to take an extra step if drawn in some direction by someone else." Maybe?

There's something very fluid about him; but in being fluid, also somewhat unstable or maybe "tumultuous"--it feels as though he's fighting against himself, that the "instability" is within.

I'm not exactly sure why I like Kevin so much.

Part of it is his accepting nature. When I got my most recent haircut, he didn't stare; he didn't ask questions; he didn't say anything false--he didn't say anything! And it was...very welcome. He takes me in with no questions or expectations. I love that. Mind, I also like to challenge and discomfort people; so maybe I'd actually find him boring after a while. Maybe.

Another large part of it is his newness--he is uncharted territory to me, and I love a good puzzle.

I kind of want to talk to him on that level--though maybe I'm entirely wrong. But this is a journal, and here my imagination rules.

To: Kevin's soul

I think you're used to following or being led around. From what I've seen, you're very good at it, too. You're introverted, and "inside yourself". You can be comfortable pretty much anywhere because of this.

So get uncomfortable!

Go a little deeper inside yourself and ask what it is you want to do--what you yearn to do or experience. Set aside some time for yourself, and then seek after what it is you want--go out and search for it! Be not led by others, but by yourself!

Give it a try! It might feel it's strange and entirely too different to be "right". But you're young enough to try, and you've the means to try.

Lead yourself! Go where you choose; find yourself; be free!

I like that I'm leaving for two months. Maybe he'll be...well, of course "different" but... "more different"? Maybe he'll be "more different" when I get back, and we can begin again:

"I'm Charlie."
"I'm Kevin."
"Good to meet you!"

Is that what I want? Someone to come "back" to? To have my own, maybe separate, adventures, and to come back and swap stories? That doesn't sound like romance, but it sounds like marriage or deep friendship.

I've always "known" that I could marry my best friend--if only "romance" weren't supposed to factor in (it got to the point where he said, "I bet this is what marriage is like", referring to the way we can communicate almost instantaneously). We just have that...relate-able-ness. We have a core understanding of one another. We can leave each other and come back, and still communicate. I love that!

I think I'm going to have something similar with Kevin. It feels that way, at least. There's that sexual tension, too. I'm not sure what will come of it--maybe nothing, maybe everything. Who knows!

--Charlie!

(abandoned) Kevin, Columns and Sex

So, wow. My mom likes Kevin.

It's kinda weird; she barely even knows him but from what I tell her, she loves him! All she really knows is that he's in school, he studies hard (has little spare time to spend with me), and is applying for what she assumes to be a good, high-paying job. Woots.


Army

So, Comms went under Land Forces as of 1-April-08 (or, yesterday). What does this mean? Most importantly, for me, it means that our fitness standards have changed. Oh fug.

I did a Google search for "Battle fitness test" and these came up:
(in Shilo, Manitoba)
http://www.army.forces.gc.ca/lfwa/feature_bft.htm
(forum; how to prepare for the 13k ruck march?)
http://www.militaryphotos.net/forums/archive/index.php/t-119443.html


Reading stuff

http://www.fredoneverything.net/WomenInCombat.shtml
http://www.fredoneverything.net/MilMed.shtml
http://www.fredoneverything.net/MilWomenII.shtml


I'm reading a bunch of these "Fred" articles about women. Maybe I don't count, because I'm Canadian and not American, but if he can put his opinion out there, so can I.

I am a woman. I want to be a woman. I also want the option of being a man sometimes. I like to compete with men; but I do not expect to beat the best of them. I can accept that the best of women could probably not, physically, win in a competition with the best of men. I'm okay with being the same level as an average man; I'd be happy with being better than the average man--which I think is totally feasible.

I don't agree with setting up this war between women and men in an abstract sense--I don't think all women should be against all men. I can't stand affirmative action. But I also think women should be allowed in the military. If an individual fails, then she fails and there should be consequences. I think lowering standards is acceptable at first; but there should also be the expectation to improve. I know that's how I got in; but I also know I'm in poor shape.

I hear women make better helicopter pilots, because our centre of gravity is lower; which means we can balance better (personally), and have a better feel for when something is off balance. Just sayin'.

I'm one of those women who would like to be treated like a man (moreso in the future than now), and am willing to work up to being a good man.


Kevin, again

I think Kevin is one of the few guys who will "get" me--understand me, and even maybe appreciate and like me.

I'm talking with a friend right now, and for some reason we always end up talking about sex if the conversation lasts long enough.

We have generally very different ideas of what "sex" is.

For him, a straight male, the word "sex" immediately calls to mind "coitus" or, as he put it, "the junk in the junk."

For me, "sex" means something more like "sexy things". Included are: dry humping, heavy petting, mutual masturbation, and any other similar physical stimulation. Also, penises are weird, and although I'm slightly fascinated by them, the idea of coitus is generally a turn-off for me.

This in mind, I think there are few men who would understand my preferences. Somehow, I think Kevin could. I dunno, he just seems much more "open"; he'll, at least, talk about anything, and rather comfortably, too.

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