CAMERA at last!

The camera finally arrived, which means I can take pictures again! Further, I can upload pics of the Origami polyhedra I constructed! Here we go!



Left to right:
30-mod (sonobe) stellated icosahedron;
12-mod (sonobe) stellated octahedron;
12-mod (sonobe) cube.


Left to right:
12-mod decoration box; assembled into a 14-box ring;
6-mod (gyroscope) truncated gyroscope (?).


Finally: 6-mod flower-box. It changes from a box to a flower! Amazing!


...Will update more later, maybe.
--Charissa

Quick Sketch

I made this sketch tonight.

On Tuesday, I got this haircut. It's incredibly butch. That's what I wanted.

My parents, however, must think it's a good way of pointing out how different I am from the idea of Girl, and saying how I shouldn't be this way and that I should change and be a good girl.

I hate that. So much.

So, I took a good look at myself in the mirror, and, I liked what I saw! Quickly, I grabbed a board and paper and drew as I saw in the mirror; it shows, with the right hand and the funny posture. But I like this picture. I like my face. I like myself. And I don't have to care who else likes it.

Though, because I like the face so much, I may finish it, one day, holding a bazooka or crossbow or something. Yeah!

--Charissa

Rest!

Finally, some Charissa-time!

Tomorrow, I'm getting a long-awaited haircut; doing some grocery shopping; and spending some long-awaited time with Kevin! We're going to grab a bite and see Hitman at the theatre. Then, I dunno, tea or something (he doesn't drink coffee or hot chocolate). He's so wholesome!

Wednesday is going to be my stay-at-home day. I'm going to do my house work: tidy my upstairs-room, tidy my real (downstairs) room; do my remaining army laundry; start planning where things will go in my (real) room after the carpet/etc gets done (I so need another closet or dresser). And then James is having his housewarming party, and I should go to that, because I said I would. I baked a cake; I hope it hasn't gone bad.

And Thursday, it's back into the fray. I should also probably bring something to the bake sale. Probably. It'd be good of me.


Relationships?

I'm finding myself thinking back to when I was with James. I saw the world so differently then; I was so different. I was so in love! What's changed? I'm colder, I think; less willing to put myself wholly into something lest it backfire somehow. Am I "afraid of getting hurt"? I don't know. I know that my first "boyfriend" hurt me so bad; I was craving any form of validation after we broke up; I learned about pain and maybe that's when I started to be masochistic, I'm not sure.

Anyway.

I fell in love with details. I'm sure that when I see James again on Wednesday, I'll still be in love with his details; much has changed, but much has stayed the same. He still crosses his hands at the wrists like puppies' paws. He still does that physical "closing up" when he's...uncertain and maybe feels vulnerable--I've yet to work out what it means. ... These are things I fell in love with.

I'm sure there are so many other people with details I could fall in love with; but I haven't found them, and part of me is scared to; and part of me is scared they'll be found by someone else instead. Do I feel lonely? Sure--I'm always lonely in Winter. I have been single every Summer of my life. I don't know why; a friend said that at least I'm warm all year round that way, and we laughed. Maybe I just like snuggling, I dunno.

And then there's Kevin.

I don't know. I like the guy. He's charming--he's delightful--but he's also a Virgo. Maybe that's all he is or will be.

So much of me is confused, or at least ambivalent.

I'm sure I'd make a terrible mother; I don't want to have kids. In the long run, I would so love to settle down with another woman; maybe adopt, I dunno. I found myself wishing that James were a lesbian--he'd make a great lesbian, too!--and now the same is happening with Kevin.

On the bus the other day, a guy and girl sat behind me. They seemed university-aged. The guy talked about all sorts of things that were very University-male-esque but also cunning or clever. And the girl replied in very simple-University-girl-esque ways. He actually coaxed her entire history of residence out of her--so smoothly, too! He summarized Punk so effectively! He talked about biking to Mexico! Man! Where do these guys come from?! Now if only women also came that way!

...Which I'm sure they do, but they're probably hetero or spoken-for. Argh.

I have to go to the gay bar again--it'd be so good for me. And gay men are amazing; friendly, hugging and inspiring--"Have a beautiful day!"


Sigh. Sleeeeeeeeep.
--Charissa

Quick update

because I didn't think it worthwhile to make a whole new post.

Went to see Hitman with Kevin. I'm pretty impressed with how he'd bend at the knees and hunch a little so that we were closer to eye-level. And he wasn't afraid to get close to me--face-wise, at least. I don't think he liked Hitman very much; but he's a Film Kid, so at least he can appreciate the cinematography... and the part where Nika is naked but the blanket's teasing and covering just part of her breasts, and then she just gets right out of bed and she's only wearing a thong. We got to see her breasts a lot in that film. "Clearly, this was worth the nine bucks."

13:15 Dec 19
--Charissa!

Last day of school

Today was the last day of school before "Winter Break", and I got to lead the class. It was great!

Something I learned: Saying "Yo!" or "Word!" or "I'm-a get ma shizzle ON!" etc is a very easy way to get the attention of grade ten students. Indeed! One student, in particular, was embarrassed for me :). But it works. It's so outrageous, that they immediately cease all other activity and turn their heads.

We went over the kids' exam first (as planned here). Half the class got less than 50%. The average was 53%. We got through the first two pages before recess. I wanted to finish quickly so we'd have time for their "presents" afterward, so I just picked one of the hyperbolas to graph. They actually stayed the first minutes of recess to see it through.

Recess.

After, I handed back their tests. Not happy. I copied down a summary of How to Complete the Square; after, I gave them the flow-chart.

Handed out the "presents": condensed notes on sketching conics; and "Why Conic Sections are Cool!". Talked about "formula sheets", study guides, condensed notes.

I passed around my first "formula sheet" I ever made. It has taped edges to prevent tearing; sprayed with hairspray to prevent graphite smudging (write in graphite so that you can erase and position everything better); everything is labeled; colour and indents help titles to pop out... Only two things about this are dumb: One, I used pencil crayons, which the hairspray dissolved. Two, I spent too much time making it. On the next formula sheets, I smarted up. No colour, no tape; but the indents keep everything orderly.

I told them about speaking "Ukrainian Math Wizard", and (let's call him) Vasil, my prof for Honours Calculus.

Then, I gave them the One Million Beans problem (but with fixed values), saying that if anyone could solve and prove it, I'd bring doughnuts next class (solution below). The top students (grade-wise) couldn't get it, but two girls who were interested but determined they could not figure it out ended up solving it! Well, not necessarily proving it, but close enough. So I owe them doughnuts next class (January 12).

While they were working on it, I told them an Engineers vs. Mathematician joke; they're on the train, one ticket... They laughed--they got it! Just before class ended, I told them the joke about Mathematicians reducing everything to problems they've already solved whereas Engineers can solve "new" problems with originality. If they don't get it now, I'm sure they'll get it later!


Proof of "One Million Beans" Problem

We know that after the beans have been moved back and forth, each jar still contains P number of beans. Now let's look at the number of red and green beans in each jar:

Jar A has

(P - n) green + (m) red beans = P.

Jar B has

(P - m) red + (n) green beans = P.

Set up equality:

P = P	Number of beans in Jar B = number of beans in Jar A.
(P - m) + n = (P - n) + m	Cancel (P) on both sides.
- m + n = - n + m
2n = 2m	Cancel (2) on each side.
n = m

Therefore,

| n - m | = 0

for all Natural m, n, P, Q < P.


Okay, I have to get up early tomorrow, then work an 8-hour shift. Sigh. Shouldn't have committed to it...

But I'll mention quickly:

I've been blessed with amazing Math teachers over the years, which probably explains a lot about me. Hopefully, this will allow me to pass along that experience to others.

One student remarked how great it was to have a teacher who didn't mumble (which is especially funny because my father teaches the level below and some kids had him last year). Another said I was exciting and that she was having fun. A few others generally remarked that I explained well and was interesting.

And these are the three (recent) things that have made me feel so worthwhile, in chronological order:

1. Finding out my army-boss has harassment issues (it's not everyone--and we're not necessarily bad untrained privates!).
2. My army-boss telling me I look good (dress/deportment).
3. Hearing that the kids enjoyed my teaching.

--Charissa

Quick update

Army

My "boss" called my house the other day, and it was the scariest thing ever. I'm so scared of getting calls from the Military--for every/any -thing, like, "HEY, WHY AREN'T YOU AWAKE?" or "WTF ARE YOU WEARING?!" or silly things like that.

She called for me to work on Wed and Fri, but I had plans Wed... I actually have a doctor's appointment on Friday, but it'd look bad if I didn't work; and I'm learning that being in the Army, image is very important. Sigh. At least, I'm fairly good at bluffing.


Teaching

I'll be in charge of the kids on Saturday! Hoorays! Unfortunately, they just wrote an exam, and it does NOT look encouraging... I wanted to jump into awesome stuff, but looks like I'll have to go over the exams... Sigh.


Plan for Saturday, maybe?

1. Hand back exams
2. Tell: If you have a question about how I've marked your paper, please wait until I've finished going over the solutions.
3. Tell: If you have any questions about what I'm doing, or why, or anything like that, put your hand up; or if I don't see you, just ask me to pause.
4. Go over solutions.
5. Answer questions about papers.

6. Recess should be about now...

7. Tell: I have some handouts that might be useful for studying! If you don't want them, leave them at the front before you're dismissed. I'm also going to show you how to tell what type of Conic Section you have, which I didn't print out.
8. Distribute Handouts: "Why Conic Sections are so cool!", "How to convert to Standard Form", "How to Sketch Conic Sections".
9. Draw: "How to tell what kind of Conic Section you have" flow-chart.
10. Questions?

11. Tell: I'm going to give you some study tips that I've picked up through high school and university.

12. Condensed notes / "Formula sheets" / Study sheets

have the Trig IDs on it

have the Standard Forms on it.

Tell: Every new topic or every month, try to condense as much information as you can onto one sheet of paper. I used to make condensed notes for every unit in Physics, and they saved my arse! Make sure you label everything so that you can tell just by looking what and where everything is. If you're doing one sheet per unit, put a title on that sheet! Use this sheet when you get your review exercise at the end of a unit; use it for assignments. Always improve your condensed notes while you're learning the material--that way, you'll know exactly where to look when you're studying for the final exam.

13. Start: ________ (new topic: graphing polynomials, or logs)

14. Optional: Hand out treats!
15. Dismissal!




Leaving for work now...
--Charissa

Quick Army update

Army Christmas Dinner
(Charissa gushes about a Corporal she just met!)

We had our Christmas dinner tonight, and I sat beside a corporal I'd never met before, and I'm going to call him Cpl Kars. Cpl Kars is amazing. He has this....etiquette, this amazing etiquette. Throughout the entire night, he called me "ma'am", a title reserved for female officers, MWOs, CWOs and Base CWOs.

Sometime during dinner, he and a MCpl got into some sort of argument, where the MCpl said something like, "Come on, I dare ya, I DARE ya!" So Cpl Kars stood up and began walking around the long table to the MCpl's side. At this point, another soldier was standing by the MCpl, so the MCpl said, "I order you to stand still, right there, and--FACE THAT WAY, THAT WAY" to try to keep that soldier between himself and Cpl Kars. Hehe! Cpl Kars ended up jokingly punching the MCpl and retaining his honour. Heeeee...

During dinner, we could pass requests to the head table. Requests were mostly for who would sing what Christmas carol. I gesticulated to Cpl Kars asking if he had a pen; he discretely borrowed one from the MCpl for me, and I wrote a request for anyone who hadn't yet sung to sing. Then I passed the pen back to Cpl Kars, who took it very discretely. A few minutes later, I passed along the note paper, and he took it with such...discrete-ness! A casual observer (from his front) would not have suspected anything! It was amazing! ..I wonder if he's trained in counter-interrogation or something...

He pronounces "Corporal" as "Corp'rral" with the emphasis on the "al", and the "rr" rolled. I think it's a Czech accent.

After dinner, he, Pte Williams and I were chatting. Apparently they took BMQ together. After a while, he excused himself as another Corporal came by our table. Cpl Kars said, "Excuse me. I will accompany the Corp'rral now."

He stands perfectly at attention. "In fine military fashion" comes to mind.

... When I sat down with him and Pte Williams, he seemed kinda shocked or pleasantly surprised that I would come sit with them! Oh, he's wonderful! I like him!

Also, he rolls his "R"s in words like "party".

I will be sad and miss him if he goes touring in Afghanistan. I'm so scared he'll get blown to bits and I'll never hear from him again. Ahhh....


Also

Apparently I'm mature! Whee! (It's too bad I can't tell this story even here, for confidentiality, though. Just, that someone pulled me aside and charged me to be responsible for something, and he chose me because I seem the most wise or mature or "able to tell when something [IS A CERTAIN WAY] and can/will do something about it".)


In other news

I looked at an old photo of James ("old" being almost exactly one year old), and it was so strange--I felt all those feelings come back to me, and they were...different. Wiser? More mature? I don't know. I would still love him--romantically, I mean--if I clapped eyes on him again. I'm a bit nervous for his house-warming party next week.

I went back through my old journal entries from when James and I first started going together... Wow. I mean, I was so articulate and...profound. I bled poetry--it was so easy to write beatifically about his dimples or eyelashes or skinniness or the way he folds his hands.

He is a beautiful human being. I miss him terribly, and in too many ways.

--Charissa

Theology!

So. I was born into a Chinese Christian family, and I was baptized as a member of a Chinese Alliance Church on December 17, 2006; I was eighteen and it was my decision.

Being gay (okay, "bisexual", but I'm beginning to find that word a little clumsy and irritating) in a very conservative Chinese church has its excitements. When I first came out to the English pastor, he didn't seem very knowledgeable or open, so maybe he automatically went to stereotypes (there's a topic I could go on about!) like being anti-gay. And then we talked over the next few weeks, and I brought him up to speed with my "journey" and beliefs.

... I remember, though, one time, we had an outreach, and I brought my buddy Jonathon, who is pretty much an Atheist and a huge jerk. Jon asked about gay people in church, and the English Pastor said, "I would love it if there were gay people in our church!" which said a lot about his ideas of who gay people are.

But, I must admit, he seemed much more open-minded and less "OMG!" when we last talked.


There are a few places in the Bible, with which I have issues. Mostly, they're things like this:

Genesis 3
The Fall of Man

(The Serpent has talked Eve into eating of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil; Eve gave some to Adam; they felt naked and hid; God approaches them and then begins to punish them all.)

My biggest beef here is what God says to Eve in Gen 3:16...

¹⁶ To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you."

Kay, wait. What?

Sometimes I wonder if we've "grown out of the old curses". This is my biggest question, because it leads so many ways...

Have we grown out of some parts of the Bible?

I know the invention of words like "gay" or "homosexual" are very recent to the English language, where their definitions vary. Some cultures have/had very specific words for identities like... "Person who was born male, lives a masculine lifestyle and is attracted to men" or "Person who was born female has been intimate with men but prefers women".

Homosexuality as we now know it was not a concept known to those in "biblical times", so it could not have been written about the way we could understand it. Some would argue that only homosexual actions (and not homosexuality) are written about in the Bible.

So, that brings me back to Gen 3:16. There exists counter-example! ... Therefore...?

I'm not sure how to end that sentence.


Hinduism

I've started watching this television show, when I can spare the time. One episode, the hostess talked with the writer of Dharma, Karma and Much More, which is, from my understanding, a sort of FAQ and intro to Hinduism.

In my setting (suburban, Chinese, Canadian, Christian...), I've not had much exposure to Hinduism, except through the last seasons of Xena: Warrior Princess, so I already respected and admired Hinduism.

What I most love is the acceptance and open-ness. The author even said, "You are Muslim, I am Hindu", meaning that we each go our own way--such is life, and we should accept it!


Community

I like my church, in some ways, yes. But at the same time, I can't stand the social games some of the women play. I can't stand how it's about status and image and how they can gossip and not realize it's gossip!

Haha. My best friend Eric sometimes expresses that he wishes I went to his church, a Lutheran church. I also wish; but it would be like giving up my church. ... Why can't we be less polarized--less set against each other--and more united? Why would switching churches seem like abandoning?


Image

Sigh. I'm not sure if I'm falling for "image" again. Christianity is supposed to be about acceptance, too, since Jesus was a cage-rattler and stood up for those who "got no respect". But Christianity has sort of become the badguy in most people's minds--at least, from what I see and hear personally and through the media. Maybe it's like America--just a few really bad example shake its entire image.

This is one arguments I made about the word "bisexual" when I was coming out. "It's normal, and now there's a word for it!" was my war-cry. I guess my words are coming back to me now; I want to be able to say "I am Christian" without also thinking, "But I'm not one of those lunatics!" I don't know if I can get to that point, though.

Which is not to say that I'll not be/call myself Christian! I won't give up! I just think it'd be easier to be Christian if I were Hindu.


This is something I do pray about--not just talk. I wish it were easier to "be Christian". I know there is a tangible and supernatural force that also created the universe; but what makes me so certain that force is the Christian God? Why isn't that force someone or something else?

Did Jesus exist? Yes, I believe that to be historically true.
Is Jesus the Son of God? Yes, I believe that to be true, though I admit it is harder.
Did Jesus die for me? Yes, I believe that I have indeed done evil, and that my actions have consequence both here and in Eternity (whatever that looks like), and that Jesus took that Eternal punishment in my place.


Sigh.
--Charissa