Discrepancies

So, there are some discrepancies in the four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John). Something specific crossed my path just today: the story of Jesus walking on water. This was right after the feeding of the five thousand.

Matthew 14:22-36

Jesus Walks on the Water

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance[a] from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Mark 6:45-56

Jesus Walks on the Water

Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray.

When evening came, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, 50because they all saw him and were terrified.

Immediately he spoke to them and said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." 51Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened.

When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret and anchored there. As soon as they got out of the boat, people recognized Jesus. They ran throughout that whole region and carried the sick on mats to wherever they heard he was. And wherever he went—into villages, towns or countryside—they placed the sick in the marketplaces. They begged him to let them touch even the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret. And when the men of that place recognized Jesus, they sent word to all the surrounding country. People brought all their sick to him and begged him to let the sick just touch the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed.

John 3:16-24

Jesus Walks on the Water

When evening came, his disciples went down to the lake, where they got into a boat and set off across the lake for Capernaum. By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. When they had rowed three or three and a half miles, they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were terrified. But he said to them, "It is I; don't be afraid." Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading.

The next day the crowd that had stayed on the opposite shore of the lake realized that only one boat had been there, and that Jesus had not entered it with his disciples, but that they had gone away alone. Then some boats from Tiberias landed near the place where the people had eaten the bread after the Lord had given thanks. Once the crowd realized that neither Jesus nor his disciples were there, they got into the boats and went to Capernaum in search of Jesus.

Just posting this. No comments from me.
--Charlie

Whaa?

Me

I go through this cycle where my sex drive is on full auto, just going like crazy; and then it calms down to the point where normally-sexy things seem... bizarre?

Like, right now, I'm in the latter stage and I was just thinking how mind-blowing it is that, for example, guys can get an intense feeling of pleasure just by rubbing themselves--and not only the feeling, but it stands up, it changes our internal body chemistry, pulse rises, the damned thing stiffens and then stuff comes out of it! I mean, people actually do this--and the seeming majority, on a regular basis! What the hell?

Cerebrally, yes, okay, this makes sense and is not really that surprising. But right now, my emotional reaction is "Whaa--?"

I guess this is a bit of a pointless post. But there was a moment just now where it just seemed so preposterous that I had to comment on it.

I'll add something less inane later. Maybe.

Oh and I came out to DW today. Cool!

--Charlie

Today

Ugh

So, first off, I'm going for my military driver license. This means I'm on course again, yay!

There's this guy from our unit, whom I'd never seen until the start of Driver. Turns out, he farts a lot, and they stink, seriously stink. Seriously. But, whatever, we all have our quirks and I'm sure he's got virtues, too somewhere.

But something weird's happened.

We're now on the second day of Driver. Today was a lot of standing in front of LSVWs, and this guy, we'll call him Fred, kept touching me. I mean things like using my shoulder as an arm rest, nudging me; and he kept staring at me! It was... unnerving (his eyes are too close together and it makes him look a bit cross eyed).

And, we had a break, and I went to the washroom and when I came back, some guys were in one truck and Fred was in the other. I went to talk to the other guys, and they mentioned with an expectant smirk how "lonely" Fred was "all by himself" in the other LS and that maybe I should go keep him company. "I think I'm gonna...not do that," I said and walked away.

Then, after dismissal today, he just strolled up to my locker, which is at the end of our hall and really, there's nothing else important there so he was definitely coming over to see me. He said Hi or something and I returned it with a very confused tone. I dont' think he said anything else, or else it was unmemorable, but he stared and seemed like he was getting ready to say something, but then he just turned around and left. What the hell?!


That kinda reminds me, though...


Dream

I had a dream this morning. I was a male gymnast and on television, I think. Except, it was live. I did some fancy moves and made commentary on them.

Then I explained stretches and ways to relax to the viewers. I did an impressive handstand and then came down and explained how I usually needed to unwind after handstands. Then, my wife or ex-wife or long-time girlfriend appeared and began to stroke my shoulders and arms, and I just melted. It felt amazing, my body just began to shut down and drift.

"Mm," I said to my audience, "but this works, too."

I sat back upright and did a few more impressive moves, and when I finished them, again, she would stroke my shoulders, back, arms; and again I would instantly relax. I began to lay on the ground--and now it was the carpet in the living room--and she ran her hands down the front of my sculpted chest and back up my shoulders.

"Okay, and that's enough for today, good bye, folks!"

And the show ended, and I kissed and stroked her. She had freckles on her arms that seemed to glitter, like they were flakes of crystalline amber or something! Unreal, but pleasant in my dream. Everything just felt so...right, so good, so destined maybe.

I ended up laying in her lap and she just ran her hands lightly over my upper body. It was amazing.


Then I woke up to my angry clock alarm. Boo.

--Charlie!

Sexual Identity

Identity

An interesting train of thought hit me this morning. It's something I've thought about in the past, but never really...explored. It's about sexual identity, sort of.

First, assume that preference is not the only factor in sexual identity. I'm going to say the factors of Preference, Gender and Biological Sex are important and I'll deal with only these for now.

Preference is who you prefer. This can be basic as the biological sex of the person, or as complex as the person's internal workings.

Gender is self-identification, who you think or feel you are on the inside. I'll use words like "masculine" and "feminine" to describe gender.

Biological Sex is arguably the simplest to understand, but difficult to explain where "male" ends and "female" begins because of so many genetic variations. For the most part, this is determined by primary sex characteristics: what's in your pants. Biological males have penises and biological females have clits and vaginas. There's always variation, too, and I'm not sure how to call a person with both or neither, so for simplicity's sake, I'm going to use words like "male", "female" and "other". Sorry people-who-fit-into-this-and-might-take-offense.


So, who is Charlie?

I'm biological female. That one's easy enough for me to identify. I've got a vag and a clit.

I'm attracted to both males and females of all kinds. I've known that for a few years now and have been out for about three years.

Gender is the hard part for me define, but I'm hoping that the effort of writing will help me organize this.


History

I remember when I was a little kid in grade school, sometimes I'd be sick and would stay home for the day. And being bedridden, I'd watch whatever was on television. Usually, this meant soap operas, and although I was upset with the lack of cartoons, I'd stick some of them out.

I don't remember what the show was, but one time, I saw the end of an episode. What my young mind gathered was this: there was a man, and there was this "beautiful" woman (I knew she was "beautiful" because she had long blonde hair and was wearing a flowing red dress). The man had done something that the beautiful woman didn't like. But he was enamoured of her. The woman was sly: she waited for the man to let his guard down and then killed him--or at least, it was implied by the way she sneaked into his room at night with a knife or firearm.

And I *remember* thinking to myself, This is great! Women are desired and powerful! And I'm going to grow up into one!

However, the other thought that occurred to me, not nearly as prominently, was that, perhaps, "women" are only powerful because they can manipulate the men who have the "real" power. This rather disturbed me and I didn't think about it too long.


However, I have another recollection of my wayful childhood.

I was watching Disney's Pocahontas for the first time. That must've been 1995, which put me at age seven.

There's a scene [Youtube] where Governor Ratcliffe is singing and walking down a flight of steps with these ladies lining the edges and cooing over him.

And this time, I thought, Oh, so "women" are a symbol of power and status. To have women fawn over your is a sign you're rich/powerful. (And the thought went even further) So, one day when I'm rich and powerful, I'll have ladies fawning over me!


I don't know how much that last thought played in the rest of my life. I didn't consciously think, I must attract ladies to me! But maybe it played a small part. Everything we remember must have played a part, yes?


So, those were my young thoughts of "women" and power and wealth. I say "women" with quotes because I don't think all women are necessarily like this. I mean a perception of women, not actual women.


So, gender.

I think, maybe, since seeing that bit from Pocahontas, I started to identify with men more.

Around grade seven (age 12), I started liking vampires and stuff. A lot of my drawings from that time show it (it's kind of embarrassing). Around the same time, something else started happening, and I'm not sure if the two are related or not.

I started "hearing voices".

That's about the easiest way I can put it. The weird thing was this "voice" wasn't external, it wasn't a strange voice, it was...familiar. And it would say all sorts of things, mostly about myself and my current situation; but, sometimes it would tell me about the very near future; and it was usually right. Granted, the "very near future" may have just fit under "my current situation", but it was still neat, and for this reason did I decide this voice was external.

That wasn't the only reason, though.

The voice was masculine. Eventually, a very real presence grew behind that voice. Sometimes I thought he was the Devil come to talk me out of Heaven. This character was very powerful, very alluring, and also, it seemed, very dangerous. Even now, I still entertain the possibility he's the Devil. But it seems mostly absurd now. I wonder if that's a bad thing...

After a while, I gave him a name--I won't reveal it here, but I'll give the nickname Cyan.

Cyan felt very much a part of my mind. It was as though he had no body and so rested in mine--he didn't take over it, but he could talk me into doing things--more accurately, what he'd say would make me react.

But enough about history.


Now

I've had this thought before: What if I'm a man on the inside?

When I first really considered the possibility I was bisexual, a whole new world opened up. I suppose it's comparable to looking at the types of characters you can make in RPGs.

"There are so many things I might be! I might be [this], but no, they have [this quality] which I don't have. Or [this], they have [this quality] which I have and like, but so does [this]..."

I didn't have to be a straight feminine female! It was a remarkable feeling, that I didn't have to be something. I had the freedom to not be something I didn't want!

Writing this, I'm having trouble explaining in a way that doesn't imply I could *choose* whom I was attracted to or such. I didn't just wake up and think, OMG I WANT TO LIKE WOMEN NOW, HURRRR. No, I woke up and thought, Alright so I actually do like women, what other assumptions do I have about myself, that might also be flawed?

And one of those assumptions was being "feminine" on the inside.

As an aside, no, I've never been terribly feminine to begin with. My only siblings are two much-older brothers, so maybe that influenced me. But my mom says I came out of the womb already my own person, stubborn and not willing to conform to the shape the world sets for little Chinese girls.


So, what have I been thinking this morning...

Let's assume I'm masculine inside. ...What now?

I'm still attracted to both male/masculine and female/feminine.
I'm still a giver.

The way I excite feels more comfortable. Less expectation, more enjoyment.

Do I want to change my body to be more male?
Superficially, yeah, a little. I mean, I would love to have that muscular chest/abs/arms combo going on. And chest hair would be freakin' awesome!

How about a penis?
...It'd be very interesting to have a functional penis. But I don't think I want to *change* my body to get one.

Why? If I'm really a man living in a woman's body, shouldn't I want the body to reflect what's inside?
I think I'm too afraid to. Parents would freak out. I'd have very little support; most of my friends would run away. I can only think of two definite people who would stick it through with me, and one of them, I'm not sure he'd be supportive of it. Just friendly-supportive.
And I think I'm naive enough to think that, if I stay in this body and go through all that frustration, one day, I'll find that soulmate who'll understand me.

Why do people dye their hair?
Because it looks better? Because they want to try it out? Because they think it would fit better with the rest of their bodies?
If the latter, then the implication is they know better than their Maker--than God.
"I know life would be better as a blonde. People will like me more. Blonde hair fits with my features better. It brings out my eyes." Whatever.

Why don't I dye my hair?
In all honesty, because Asians tend to look stupid (and ugly) with anything other than dark hair. Platinum-blonde Asians scare the shit out of me.
But I used to think, "Because this is what God gave me! Black hair!"
Then I chopped most of it off and I absolutely love it!
If I wanted to be a purist, I might've thought, "Well, since God gave me hair, I'll keep it all and never cut it." Then again, hair too long can prevent one from performing other tasks that make the most of God's gifts. I dunno!


Do I still think hetero penetrative sex is unfair, boring and kinda gross?
A little... But as a "man", the thought is more like "If my tool can give a lady pleasure, then I'd be happy to have hetero penetrative sex with her. But there are other ways, too."
I guess it's very different being on the other end.
I still think it's unfair, unless she were into strap-on dildos and giving me butt sex.
Man, what would I think of that?!
Being a bottom, I'd completely melt. Even as a "man", I'm not thrilled with receiving. I still think receiving (personally) is selfish.

What do I think of male-male sex involving myself?
HOT. Seriously, gay men know how to have fun! Still not sure how I'd feel being penetrated.

Do I think being penetrated as a man is better or worse than as a female?
If I'm completely honest with myself, I think anal is a little gross. But, it is more fair and I think that fairness could win over the slight disgust.



...Well, the rest will have to wait until I've eaten lunch. Or, breakfast.

--Charlie
(possibly a bisexual man living in a woman's body!)

Candle Problem

I suddenly remembered this problem. It's one of those "think outside the box" dealies. I like the solution, it's elegant and this is a puzzle that can be solved without any outrageous tricks.

Math Problem: Burning Candles

Placed in an enclosed room with only two candles--one which burns for exactly 30 minutes and one that burns for exactly 45 minutes--and a method of lighting the candles, how can one tell when one hour has passed?

Note: The burn times of the candles is not necessarily related to their lengths, so breaking a candle in half, for example, would not ensure that the burn time is halved.

Note: There are not clocks or any other hidden or secret objects in the room--this problem can be solved by only thinking and lighting candles.

Hint: Candles may be lit upside-down, etc with no change in burn time.



Solution

Since there is a candle that will burn for 45 minutes, we can try to make the 30 minute candle burn for 15 minutes instead. Breaking the 30-minute candle isn't helpful, however, lighting it from both sides simultaneously will result in a halved burn time.

Light the 30-minute candle from both sides simultaneously. When it is burnt out, light the 45-minute candle. When that one goes out, one hour will have passed.

Socializing tonight!

Me

So, I've never really gotten over that guy from Saskatchewan. I realize it was just a fling -sort of thing, but not being someone who usually has flings--with guys--while working....well, it's hard for me to let go of him. Yes, he lives far away, I'll probably never see him again, if I do see him again, it'll be on a professional level; I, in all likelihood, scared him off... Yes, okay, it's my fault.

Actually, I wonder what's bothering me most: missing him, or my regrets? Huh... I think my regrets...

Anyway.

Tonight was a small "mixer" party. Fun! Gay men are wonderful. I got so many hugs tonight!

There were a few minor complications, however.

- In the past, one of the gay guys, M--- said, "You're manly" to me, in a sort of "Ooh, you're *manly*". I really don't know how to interpret this, so I'll just assume he was being a kidder.

- Creepy-Ass showed up again. This is someone who used to grope my arm when he'd say hello to me. I don't like him; not only that, I *dislike* him, he makes me uncomfortable, being near him is almost suffocating, he disturbs me and I feel almost an obligation to make sure he's not making anyone else as uncomfortable as he made me. Ugh.

- There was a drunk girl. We sat together for the last bit, put our arms around each other. Nothing more.

- Throughout the entire day, I received sooo much sexual innuendo. Apparently, I was in a foursome--well, that's what they called it, but we were just sitting together on the couch...together. There may have been some touching. Actually, we had a back-rub chain of at least three, a bit later. And at one point, M--- and I talked, kinda--well, he said something implicating, and then I just had to clarify and ask, "Do you *like* women?" and his response was something like, "Well, I'll take what I can get. I'd just have to close my eyes and pretend it's someone else." I don't know if he meant anything by that--probably not.



Aaaanyway, I have to:
- mark papers
- prepare a lesson plan
- get ready for my Stat midterm which is tomorrow morning
ALL BEFORE TOMORROW MORNING. MORNING.

Tonight will be much fun. YES.

--Charlie

Me?

Me

I'm wondering again who I am. I've got all these...facets that don't necessarily fit together. I think I mean this socially...

I keep bumping into "Army buddies", and all they talk about is Army.
I have my queer buddies, and we can talk about absolutely anything, in the right mood.
I've got classmates, but for the most part, we talk about the classes we have in common.
I've got my other long-time friends. Yeah, we can talk about anything.

And these lifestyles might just conflict...


Punishment

Mark says I invent punishments for myself. I think it's true. ... The weird thing is I can't be talked out of them normally, because it makes sense to me.

"I'll wear my uncomfortable shoes to punish myself for going out tonight."
"I won't sleep, to punish myself for not doing my homework."
"I'll take first sentry because I'm not good at much else."

... I have such little sense of self worth. No not self "worth", but self.... value to others? No, that's not it either. I have this inner knowledge of my worth, yet it feels... Unjustified? I don't know.


...I write blog entries because I'm not good at essays.
--Charlie

Updates

Teaching: Chalkboard writing

I'm teaching S4 Pre-Calc content this year, hoorays!

However, there are a few problems I've discovered:

• as usual, my students are very silent;
  
• the desks are very segregating;
  
• I'm short;
  
• I'm unexpected (I look strange, I act strangely; it puts the kids who don't know me on edge and distracts them perhaps);
  
• I have messy chalkboard writing (I think I'd write better on an overhead)...

Things I want to do:

• Increase class participation (more group assignments or activities; more in-class assignments);
  
• Get them moving at least once every class (after recess time, most of the kids have little energy for Math);

More Updates

I'm in university again, going for Math (we'll see exactly where, later)...

I'm also in a literature course, and I'm supposed to be focusing on this essay, but, seriously, it's hard to write about something I think is pointless or... "dumb". Yes, yes, there's got to be a better way to describe that--I'm working on it, I'm working on it!

My dad was in the hospital for his leg thing. He was there about two weeks, then got sick of the hospital and came back home. The thing's still leaking, but at least he got his surgery date bumped up! It's....very.....distracting, I think. I don't know the word...

I might be doing modeling! More to come later!

Still in the reserves, still with my unit...

Teaching Math this year; got a good TA, too! Awesome!

University isn't offering the Hons Calc course anymore, and won't be next year, either. So I guess it's regular Calc for poor me. Boo.

Been in the military just over a year now! I'm entitled to new kit starting 23 Oct. I can order my DEUs now (they *might* be ready for Remembrance Day).

Rolled ankle still bothering me. Wrist feels the same, too; it's so aggravating!


...probably more. For now I should get back to that essay...
--Charlie

BMQ/SQ Completed

I'm now a qualified Soldier in the Canadian Forces. Details later when I have time, just highlights for now.

Highlights from BMQ

• garrison life is amazing; laundry is fun
  
• 2 Section mates, wonderful sectionmates
  
• CS gas. Wow.
  
• got 25/25 on PWT1 (C7 live range, 100m, daylight)
  
• Pte S--- is such a trooper. Poor guy.
  
• spent $9.00 at BMQ grad, including entrance fee; still got drunk (somewhat)
  

Highlights from SQ

• fooling around two nights while on course--THAT did WONDERS for my self confidence
  
• fire team Foxtrot... Oh dear
  
• living in field for ten days
  
• firing C9 light machine gun
  
• firing C6 general purpose machine gun
  
• throwing two C13 frag grenades... BOOM!
  
• learning how to search POWs
  
• discovering that pressure points don't really work on me!
  
• discovering I can dig trenches fairly well!
  
• night recce, we did a Snatch, amazing times!
  
• ambushing a convoy
  
• NOT getting an ND!
  
• hearing the Warrant sing
  
• (being allowed to) drink on duty--I NEVER want to do that again!
  
• grad parade went well!
  

...more later
--Charlie

Origami Platonic Solids

The Platonic Solids

Also known as the "regular convex polyhedra", these five are the only forms that are convex (ie: not hollow and no "dents" in them) and with every face having the same shape ("regular"). Hoorays!

In order of complexity, these are:

Tetrahedron	4	equilateral triangles
Hexahedron / Cube	6	squares
Octahedron	8	equilateral triangles
Dodecahedron	12	regular pentagons
Icosahedron	20	equilateral triangles

Those who play games like Dungeons & Dragons are probably already familiar with these.

Johannes Kepler liked to study these!

Johannes Kepler (1571-1630), best known for his three laws of planetary motion, was one of the most outstanding mathematicians of his day. In addition to his astronomical accomplishments, he systematized and extended all that was known about polyhedra in his time. While previous artist/geometers discovered particular polyhedra, he took a more mathematical approach: he defined classes of polyhedra, discovered the members of the class, and proved that his set was complete.

- from http://www.georgehart.com/virtual-polyhedra/kepler.html

Kepler also believed these polyhedra were associated with the elements:

Tetrahedron	Fire	It has the "shape" of fire; and there's also the fire tetrahedron teaching tool, which is neat!
Hexahedron / Cube	Earth	It's very stable.
Octahedron	Air	If you hold this model lightly by the two farthest corners, and then blow, it will spin like a top!
Dodecahedron	the Cosmos	It has twelve faces, and there are the twelve constellations (in astrology, zodiac).
Icosahedron	Water	It has a similar property of that octahedron, like it moves easily or wants to move, the way fluids do.

Origami

So I finally got around to making origami models of each! These are modular skeletons:

Tetrahedron	6 units	Francis Ow's 120-degree module
Hexahedron / Cube	12	Bennett Arnstein's Variation of Lewis Simon's Decoration Box modules
Octahedron	6	Lewis Simon's Gyroscope module
Dodecahedron	30	Lewis Simon's / Bob Neale's 108-degree module
Icosahedron	60	Francis Ow's 120-degree module

...more later?
--Charlie

Augh

Kevin

Went to see a play Kevin was in, last night.

Sigh. I keep forgetting that about Theatre Kids. I absolutely love Theatre Kids--but I'm not entirely sure why. I mean it's partly because they're analytic and observant--generally--and cerebral. I love cerebral...ness.

In this play, Kevin's character gets to cuss and be an angry/angsty gay teenager who cusses and gets into an ideological fight with his parents. I wuv it!

What really confuses me is why this turns me on. I mean, I know I have a little soft spot for that "brooding man" idea, and I love Theatre kids... Maybe it's the idea of duality. Heh. "You never could be just one thing!"... That he could be both such a Virgo and a brooding, angsty teenager--complicated...

Neek says it's probably/mostly "misinterpretation of arousal", where I associate my general liking of Kevin to specific things he does. For example, if I'm already nervous/anxious and happen to talk to someone bald, I might think that bald people make me nervous. More specifically, I already like Kevin, and being aroused by his portrayal of someone angsty makes me think brooding people turn me on.

I'm going to back up a bit, because I forget if I mentioned this earlier.

Backstory

Mark and I went to see a play with Kevin, and afterward, we went over to Mark's place and watched Van Helsing. I sat next to Kevin, and as the movie went on, leaned on him and snuggled up against him. At one point, the cat came to sit on his lap, so we both petted it, and sometimes our hands would connect and we'd momentarily be stroking the other's hand, and he never pulled away or put effort into preventing this.

So when the cat left, my libido was all, "TOUCH HIM NOW!" so I made a show of saying, "Oh, the cat's gone now. Hmmm," and petted his forearm. And then I brushed the back of my index along up his arm just above the elbow. And he pulled away and crossed his arms over his chest, inhaling a little frustratedly.

I cocked my head at him. "Are you ticklish, or offended?"

"Not either, really, just..."

"Are you going to finish that sentence?"

... So, I know I wrote earlier that I was going to be less aggressive and back off Kevin for a while, but this was incredibly aggressive of me.

"Well," he began, "I'm just uncomfortable."

So I didn't explicitly touch him again. However, the cat came back and situated herself on his lap once more, and we began petting her, and again, our hands would connect. So, either he didn't care, or he didn't mind. In the back of my mind, I hope it's the latter.

This was the night before I left for the bikeathon. The following morning, I wrote up an e-mail, basically explaining that I like spending time with him, as a friend, but that I'm also physically attracted to him, "and that, combined with cyclical hormones, proximity and an ambiguous relationship can make me, well, aggressive. So I hope I didn't freak you out too much."

He wrote me back a few days later and explained that he liked me, too, but only on the level of friendship, so, hey, let's be friends.

I'm not sure this has lessened my attraction to him. It has, though, made me very aware of it. It's even challenged me and, being of a competitive spirit, I have to now damp down the urge to fight for him.

Sometimes I'll ponder him and think: "Kevin, I want to give you so much; and yet to take so much from you."

And then I wonder what I could possibly offer. Really, until I think a little deeper, the only thing I can come up with is "I want to give him the physical pleasure with my body", which is pretty shallow.

What could I possibly offer? I cook, I'm good with my hands, I'm intelligent...

I'm trying to focus now, but in my mind, I'm on the phone with Kevin, asking him if he wants to go biking, because it's a beautiful weekend, and he's saying yes, and I've secretly got a picnic all planned out

And then, in my mind, we're biking out to a beautiful stretch of land, no traffic for several kilometres around, shade, a slight breeze, fresh, springy grass; and I say, "Let's stop here," so we dismount; and after locking our bikes, we walk over near the tree line, under a dappling of shadow, and I say, "I brought a blanket," and unfold a large red and white checkerboard blanket and spread it around and invite him to sit with me, which he does; and he starts to think to himself, and I catch him and look him in the eye and smirk as I say, "I also brought a picnic," and produce a box of strawberries and cherries and raspberries and small slices of cake and chocolates.

He's uncomfortable now, and hesitates. He starts to ask me if I'm courting him, but he's not aggressive enough, so I interrupt him and tell him to try the strawberries--I picked them myself--so he tries one, and indeed, it's delicious, but wasn't there something he wanted to ask--so I smile at him and say, "Kevin, I must be a horribly selfish person, because I'm courting you even though you've already told me you're not particularly interested in me that way, yet here I am. Ever since I sent you that terribly awkward, but honest, e-mail, I'd been thinking hard why I like you, so I was, perhaps unprepared when I read your reply; and, being possessed of a competitive spirit, took it as a challenge.

"I used to think that romance didn't take effort--that, hey, if I loved someone who loved me back equally, then everything would be perfect. Turns out, it doesn't happen this way; most relationships demand effort. And, Kevin, I am willing to work at this and even fight for this, if you'd let me. I can give you my enthusiasm and pledge to you my honesty--there is so much I want to give you, and at the same time, to take from you; I'm kinda crazy for you that way. ... So! Unless you are very and unchangeably intent on not liking me (which, I suppose I could be convinced of if you were to put it very bluntly and directly), or if you have very good, logical reasons not to, I'd ask, Kevin, please, would you least give me a chance at this?"

Immediately, I'm scared shitless that he's, I dunno, terminally ill, or has a crush on someone else, or finds me or women to be physically repulsive. It's got to be the longest and worst five seconds of my life: I'm entirely helpless; everything is totally out of my control, I can say nothing, I can take nothing back, I'm completely exposed, vulnerable.

...

And I don't know how this story ends.

Change of subject!

I speak differently than I used to. I think I realized it when my friend said, "Sheesh, not everybody is as open-minded as you!"

I'm less articulate these days. I'm not sure if that's from lack of writing. I think I'm scared to commit. Yes, yes, and I know it's better to have a record than to not have one; but the thought of a record still makes me... too self-conscious? I don't know! I say things like, "Well, if [something], then maybe it's not such a good idea to [something else]."

... I've lost where I was going with this; something about how I tone myself down or something. I need to sleep.

--Charlie

Mixed Update

Bus Girl

There's a girl on the bus, Shannon. She's adorable; small Chinese girl, 24 years old, always curious or happy--she's got this way of speaking, as though everything is happy and positive. For the most part, she doesn't express negative emotions very well (unless she frowns, and then she looks so hateful), which makes it a little difficult to talk to her, but as long as I'm listening carefully, it shouldn't be a problem.

She says I'm charming. Tehee!


Me

I got a bra fitted the other day. It was in a tasteful "adult" shop; I liked the experience! I'm actually bigger and smaller than I thought! I'm a 34-C or D; and in some cases, 36-B or C. That was impressive. I never thought I'd be a D-cup; even a C-cup seemed generous.


Bible / Christianity

I'm reading through Matthew again--at least, I'm starting at Matthew, and I'm, hopefully, going to get through the entire New Testament consecutively this time. Last time, I finished the Sermon on the Mount, and went, "Hey, yeah!" and left it at that. I guess I'm partly scared I'll find something stupid/disagreeable. But I have to keep in mind it's People writing, not directly God. And context is confusing--it sucks that history gets more made-up as we go along.

Like... A long time ago, THIS was the way it was. A few generations later, it's forgotten, so the next generation researches it and records it in their own context. These are then used as research for more research. To understand context, you have to... I dunno, how does one understand context, if not taught it by someone else? I mean, to an extent, one can GO there, but even when there, things are different NOW than THEN. ... Augh.

So, what I'm scared I'll find is intolerance and hate or fear -mongering. I heard once that religions were made as rulebooks, because following rules actually changed one's consciousness, which is cool!

"Do not unto others unless you would have them do unto you." That's a nice place to start, action-wise. It's not as selfish as "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", but it conveys a similar message. It's more about respecting others than gratifying self. I like this version.


Photos

Our apple tree had blossoms! I got home from the bikeathon, and the branches were like green and white arms! View album here.

Also available for your viewing pleasure are old photos from the Piano Smash fundraiser. You may view them here.


Teaching

Augh. Been subbing for Calc lately; I know most of the kids by name already (which would be more impressive if there were more than ten).

Last day is tomorrow. Not sure I look forward to it, if it's with my regular class. But I really love those Calc kids!

Also! How cool is this? Leibniz cookies! Woots!

--Charlie!

Bikeathon!

Bikeathon

My best friend goes to a Lutheran church, and they have many programs out at Luther Village. It's a campground out by Kenora; it's beautiful country. Last year, he invited me to the annual bikeathon and I rode 80km to raise money for Luther Village.

Click to visit public photo album.

Last year was amazing. I had trained so much; even though it's mostly flat over here, I found a few hills and bridges for training and was on the road at least twice a week. When I realized it was only 25km, I switched to the 80km ride.

This ride starts at the entrance to Luther Village from Highway 71, goes to Bunny Lake for a pit stop (roughly 20km), then continues to Sioux Narrows (roughly another 20km) for lunch; then back to Bunny Lake for another rest, and finishes back at the entrance to Luther Village.


80km Bike Route

All distances and times are approximate. I'm not even sure if the map is entirely accurate; I guessed where Luther Village and Bunny Lake are.

Where	When	Dist	What
Entrance to Luther Village from Highway 71	08:00	n/a	Start point
Bunny Lake	09:00 - 09:30	20km [map]	Rest stop; wait for everyone to arrive; have snacks and power drinks
Sioux Narrows	11:00 - 12:00	20km [map]	Lunch; wait for the 100km riders to arrive; rest
Bunny Lake	13:00	20km	Rest stop; wait for everyone to arrive; have snacks and power drinks
Entrance to Luther Village	14:00	20km	End point; walk back to Luther Village

For the whole route, see this map.


Luther Village

Luther Village is a fantastic place. Most obviously, it is beautiful country; lakes, hills, trees, wildlife, plants, rocks, waters... Absolutely gorgeous.

But there's more!

When I'm there, I don't feel at all judged. Everything is just--"You are here now, and we love you", as though that's all that matters.

I wish I could write more, but it'd get too personal and these aren't my stories to tell. I'll just mention that my best friend also brought his girlfriend, who is going through a lot of issues (if you pray, please pray also for her, her growth, and that her loved ones will be with her and lend her strength), and we all agree this was so good for her.

And it was good for me, too. I needed that exercise, and the time to clear my head.

Will add more later...
--Charlie!


Some Photos

More...

075: (abandoned)

Work

So it's been a while. I got another job, selling knives this time. I started on 17 May, and already I'm quitting.

Started off okay; they have brilliant marketing and training strategies. And, I mean, sure, it's a great job, for some people. Just not me.

Reasons I am quitting Vector:

• I don't have a cell phone;
  
• I don't have a driving license;
  
• I don't have access to a vehicle;
  
• At some point, it becomes dangerous for a tiny Asian girl to wear business casual and take public transit to the North End to sell knives;
  
• Had I a driving license and access to a vehicle, I am averse paying for fuel
  
• I like office/predictable hours;
  
• I need to be me--I need to be an artist (this job is infringing on my ability to be an artist);
  
• I feel as though I am being manipulated through this job--which I am and will be for most any job, but it also feels wrong in my gut; and
  
• I don't like the way it goes through people I know.

Today was my last day. I hand in my papers tomorrow.


Sexuality

I'm trying to figure out which I prefer: men or women. I mean, women have things most men don't--like a good sense of both personal hygiene and bodily responsibility, and attractive breasts--and men have things women usually don't--like facial hair and work-hardened skin.

I'm wondering. I like Kevin--entirely too much--but there are so many times I think to myself, "If only he were a woman."

I'm wondering about one of my close friends who came out as bisexual recently and is now in several open-relationships.

I guess I'm wondering about monogamy. Is it acceptance of human ability to satisfy, versus human desire? I mean, I think a lot of us want more than we can fulfill.

Someone has said of me, "You never can be just one thing, can you!" I guess it's true.

I'm wondering if polygamy is fair. A lot of people want to be the only person (romantically) in another's life--want to "be everything" to someone. Is that naive, or is it optimistic? I think it's a bit of both.

Is polygamy then cynical, or is it practical? "Not one person can satisfy all my needs, so I'll go with multiple people." Is it an excuse? "It's not you, it's me. I just can't be satisfied this way." Yes, I think it can be an excuse sometimes.

I think "Celibate Polygamy" is my word of the day.


Kevin

I'm thinking maybe I've freaked Kevin out a little.

I'm kind of aggressive--at least, the last few guys I liked, I went after them more aggressively--so maybe my phoning and badgering and running my fingertips up the nape of his neck kinda scared Kevin off. Okay! So Charlie is scary and imposing and aggressive and needs to give Kevin some space. Got it!

On the other hand...

Last time he was over, I was running about, trying to finish up my work. So he made himself comfortable laying on the edge of my bed. And he's started making sex/penis jokes, which is an entirely unexpected first! (For example: while playing Settlers of Catan, he managed to make "wood" jokes.) Welcome? Maybe, maybe.

Maybe I'm just giving meaning to events. Actually, I am definitely giving meaning to events, but perhaps they're wrong or perhaps I believe too strongly in them. Like when he initiated physical contact with me for the second time ever. Is that a sign? Maybe? Probably not! Things only fit so well in retrospect. If we end up going together, that will look as a landmark; if we don't, I will forget it ever happened.


Analysis

Why do I like Kevin? --And I mean that in the best way possible.

He doesn't scan or study or judge me--or if he does, it's not on a conscious level. This alone would probably be enough! I'm not sure if I mentioned before, but the day I got my "very" short haircut, he was the first to see it, and he said nothing. No "I like your hair" or "You got your hair cut!" bullshit, nothing. I loved it.

Something in my gut tells me he's a person who is...changing / moving / not-still inside. Or maybe it's more like waterwheel perfectly balanced and awaiting the one drop that will make it spin forward. I'm a little scared to lead/push him the wrong way. I want him to be his own person and carve his own path, but I want to see where he goes--both out of curiosity and because he means something to me.

I guess, tied to the above, he's new ground to me. I've never met someone like him, and I love that. It's both my...cerebral curiosity and my..."soul" curiosity. He himself said he realized just how young he is and how this is the time to explore and make mistakes.



[post abandoned]

Penny Problem!

Math

I subbed in for the Calc teacher again. One student showed me a neat puzzle involving pennies! Seriously, try this out using actual pennies/etc.

I totally recommend finding four pennies and trying this out before looking at the solution.

If you can't see the animation above, here's an explanation:

Objective:

Move the pennies into a straight line, any direction.

Rules:

• Move only one penny at a time;
  
• Pennies may only be moved to a spot where it will touch at least two other pennies;
  
• Pennies may not be picked up (you may only slide them around);
  
• Use as many moves as possible, then try to minimize the number of moves.
  

To start, four pennies are arranged so that each penny touches two others; a parallelogram.

If you found that easy, try the next step--use five pennies:



Seeing the Solution

I think the difficulty comes in seeing the line we're trying to build. We're so accustomed to perpendicular lines that we can't see the 60-degree lines until we've physically moved the pennies around for a few minutes to get used to it.


The Solution

Really, the trick to creating a line in the least amount of moves is to make a gap large enough for a single penny. The last move will be to fill in the gap--no other move can be the last move.

At least four pennies must be present for this; but because of the initial arrangement (a "diamond" shape), this is not necessarily intuitive. To build the gap, you must first build a column of three. Then, you must be able to see the line.

With five set up in one column of three and one column of two, the process becomes more obvious--simply remove the middle penny in the column of three.

From there on, it's the same game: make a gap, and stagger the pennies to build the rest of the line. It's interesting to note, though, that the minimum number of moves is equal to the number of pennies! I found that pretty exciting!

I'll figure out a proof for it, some day... I've still got another proof to figure out; it's for a card trick, and I get the feeling it uses Perms and Combs, which sucks for me.

--Charlie!

PS: Happy Mothers' Day!

Kevin?

Post abandoned from 5-May-2008
Kevin

Went for a long walk with Kevin today, maybe 10km, outdoors; talked.

Both he and I have realized how young we are--that this, now, is the time to make mistakes and have adventures. There's something....interesting, I dunno, about him.

I dunno if it means anything, but he started quoting The Simpsons: "...an enigma wrapped in a mystery" and I finished, "wrapped in a vest" and he said, "High-five!" This would be the second time he's initiated physical contact--the first time being at a film festival downtown when he hugged me in thanks for coming.

And while I'm mentioning things that are probably meaningless, he also asked me what my plans are for the summer.


I feel weird; I felt weird with Kevin. After walking, we went back to his place for some water and a bit more conversation, then I went home. I still have difficulty looking at people when i talk tot hem. Same with typing, I think. I type faster and better when I'm not looking at the screen--generally.

We have something......strange?


We walked by a park and decided to cut across. "Let's be naughty," Kevin said in a 'proper' British accent, and I said, "Well, when you put it that way...!" He laughed sharply and replied; "Of all the things to be considered naughty, walking through a field is probably the lamest!" I'm not sure why he said that--if it was to play innocent, or if he really meant it.


Saturday 10-May-2008

Went for another jog with Mark; only did about 3 km tonight because his ankle hurt. Then we went for food.

We talked. We also talked about Kevin. Mark recommends I stop speculating and actually "test the waters". I'm inclined to agree.

Mark asked what I even wanted to do "to" Kevin. Mostly, I want to cuddle.

"Do you want to have sex with him?"

My ideas about sex and what it is--they're probably very different from most other people's ideas! I've probably mentioned it before, but to me, "sex" is "sexy things", and by that definition, I've had "sex" with three people--though I kinda don't think one of them should count because it wasn't enjoyable on this side.

Anyway.

Scissoring is probably the greatest / hottest sex act ever, in my humble opinion. I told Mark that's what I'd probably end up wanting to "do to" Kevin.

I'm going to put my finger in the palm of his hand and see what happens. Well, maybe not yet.

I want to tell him he's beautiful; I like his hair and the way it's thick and rough; the way he can turn his smile off and on like a switch; the way he likes politeness and defaults to it all the time; I want to see what he sees; to feel his thoughts and know the reactions that spark within him as I run my fingers down his chest, along his shoulders and up the column of his neck. I want to hear his breathing and feel the heaving of his chest as we lay against eachother in half sleep. I want to take a walk with him in some open field, then race him to the other side, and tackle him to the ground when he wins.

Sigh.

But, at the same time, I'm not sure if I want these things. I mean, even though he's said he's realized how young he is and that this now is the time to be adventurous and make mistakes, I just don't know. I don't know if it's worth it.

I could have a totally awesome, meaningful and long-lasting relationship.
I could have a pretty great relationship and find out that we're just not meant to be, but we get over it and move on, learning from the whole experience.
I could totally botch this up and ruin both our futures.
I could totally botch this up and ruin just one of our futures...

Who knows!

--Charlie!

Exercise, Women and Army

Exercise

Went for a jog/walk with Mark last night / this morning. Nine kilometres. It took roughly two hours or just under--hard to tell, since we didn't actually time it, and had to drive to/from the run.

Besides complaining and profaning, believing I couldn't continue, walking when I was supposed to be jogging and even more profaning, I think I did pretty okay! I mean, it was my first run since, what, grade ten, and it was nine friggin' kilometres. I used to think the 1600 metre run was rough!

We stopped at a park so I could do chin-up negatives (hold the chin-up position as long as possible, letting my body ease down as slowly as possible; break; repeat) and monkey-bar ab crunches.

Last night at Army, I read through the Army Fitness Manual. Man, that's useful stuff!

There were only a few nit-picky things that I didn't like, or found interesting:

• It speaks about females in......an interesting way:

  Specific Guidance for Training Female Soldiers
  
  Land Force Command recognizes that some female soldiers may have specific concerns about training and preparation for the AFS. It is well known that, generally, women do not have the same aerobic capacity as men, nor are they as strong, especially in the upper body. These differences in physical performance are due in large part to differences in body size and composition.
  
  However, women’s bodies respond to aerobic and strength training programmes in similar ways to men’s. Thus, the Army Fitness Programme is designed to accommodate and prepare all soldiers for the AFS. To help with this, three load options are provided in the Bench Press and Squat items in the Fitness Check and a special upper-body strength and aerobics circuit is provided for Day 6 (Optional). Here is a little more information and advice:
  
  Aerobic capacity • The lower aerobic capacity of women (compared to men) is due to a smaller muscle mass, a smaller volume of blood, and lower hemoglobin concentrations in the blood. In spite of this, the AFS is as attainable for women as it is for men. The Special Upper-Body Strength and Aerobics Circuit will help you improve both of these fitness components at the same time.
  
  Strength improvement • Female soldiers may be concerned that they are not as strong as their male colleagues, yet they must be able to lift the same loads. Women are generally about two-thirds as strong as men, but relative to their size women can gain as much or more strength than men following similar training programmes. The good news is… the Army Fitness Programme will lead to significant improvement in muscular strength and endurance and help you achieve the level you need to perform to the AFS. You can use the appropriate loads in the Fitness Check Bench Press and Squat items and, of course, the training routines are individualized and progressive for best results.
  
  Pregnancy • Pregnancy causes changes in physical abilities. Therefore, pregnant soldiers will consult with their Base/Unit MO ensuring no duties are undertaken in accordance with DAOD 5003-5, “Pregnancy Administration” that may pose a threat to the health of the member or the fetus. Unless specified by an MO, pregnancy does not preclude physical training. Physical fitness activities will be directed by PSP staff in accordance with the Guide to Fitness During and After Pregnancy in the CF.
  
  

  from: page 5, Army Fitness Manual: http://www.army.dnd.ca/2field_engineers/images/B-GL-382-003-PT-001.pdf

  
  
• The perspective in the drawings are horrible
  
• The drawings show exercises being performed poorly (eg: one arm higher than the other when lifting weights).
  

Women, Army

I dunno. I still wonder about this. I'm better understanding why women aren't allowed in certain groups (eg: Special Forces). I hate "affirmative action" or "employment equity", but while I understand most women are weaker than men, there must be even just a few who could make it; and I believe those few should have the chance.

I'm sort of glad we're doing the BFT now, and not the CF Express Test, because there are no exceptions, really. "If you can't do it, you can't do it" and there's nonoe of that "You're a woman, so 75% is okay." It's great:

Building on the Basics

This programme builds on the CF EXPRES Programme and takes you to a higher level of fitness than that required in the Canadian Forces Minimum Physical Fitness Standard (CFMPFS). The CFMPFS uses a predictive test model-—including the 20-metre shuttle run, hand-grip, push-up and sit-up—-to determine the fitness levels required, by age and gender, to meet the five tasks common to all soldiers of the Canadian Forces. Since the normal physical abilities of young, middle-age, and older individuals can vary—and that of men and women varies, too—the fitness standards in the CFMPFS also vary.

The AFS is different. It uses the task performance model to determine the fitness level of each soldier. Every soldier—-young or old, male or female, small or large—-must be able to meet the standards to be fit to fight. This means that to meet the AFS, all soldiers have to develop their endurance, strength, power, and flexibility to the appropriate level as shown in the Fitness Check table in Chapter 4.

The ASF difference...

Every soldier—young or old, male or
female, small or large—must be able to
meet the AFS to be fit to fight.

from: page 4, Army Fitness Manual

I like that very much.

--Charlie!

Me

Every time I get on a bus or walk leisurely, I'm reminded that I am extremely privileged, blessed, elite. I have a very capable body: it functions perfectly. I have no deformities, I was born a very healthy baby, I have a fantastic and agile mind; I am a very good size, perhaps a bit short, but, being female, I'll still grow, slightly and slowly, but surely, for even a few more years.

I am able to train myself; to develop myself. I learn, I adapt, I grow.

I am a very blessed human being. I am entering perhaps the prime of my life. Age 22 is the average time when the part of our human brain that deals with the long-term perspective enters maturity. Supposedly, most women don't reach their full sexual (orgasmic) potential until 35. That's going to be something.

Leah has started her menopause, and she told me she felt "wise", that the lack of estrogen made her feel wise and perhaps more able to understand the world without this hormonal bias. That's probably what I'm feeling right now--I'm finishing bleeding for the month. There's a lot of anecdotal reports of increased creativity during a woman's period. Is it the estrogen? The lack thereof? I'm not sure.


I have a wonderful body, a beautiful mind, a determined spirit. I am so blessed. Now what will I do with these?

--Charlie

Origami etc

Origami

Started on another fish tank origami display. This time, I'm using a fish tank my mom doesn't want, so there'll be no fear of her taking it apart again!

Picked up Origami Design Secrets: Mathematical Methods for an Ancient Art by Robert J. Lang.

It's absolutely wonderful. It's not just a "folding" book with only instructions and minimal literature. It goes into how models have been designed and gives tips. The first or biggest tip is this: modify an existing model; don't expect to create something totally original at first. I like that. He writes something to the effect of "no design is sacred", meaning it's totally open for modification or interpretation.

The only thing I don't like is my inability to accurately reproduce those models--I guess "difficult" would be the word, but my biggest problem is getting the proportions just right. For example:

I'm instructed to fold the paper in half and just make a pinch mark at the halfway point. Then, halve that half and pinch again at the one quarter mark. Then, make a crease from the half-way mark, and bring the far corner of the paper to the one-quarter mark.

Problems:
- the pinch marks are nearly invisible on the white side of the paper
- the pinch marks are rather thick, increasing error
- some paper doesn't like pinch-marks: it'll resist the fold unless it's creased all the way.

Ah well.


New origami pieces added to my deviantArt gallery:

Writing

I'm starting a writing exchange with Kevin. So far, I've sent him a link to Stipper and Jo, and he's sent me a poem about dying in a car crash.

Hehe.

He seems to have a morbid fascination with car crashes--or, I dunno, maybe. His film group's name references it; and he's sent in two submissions for his university's literature journal about car crashes. He said the other day that maybe this is why he hasn't got his driving license yet.

Anyway. This poem he sent is...yeah, morbid--unexpectedly morbid. The end cuts off like in Margaret Laurence's Stone Angel.


Kevin

Went to the library with Kevin on Wednesday. We're kinda geeky, but I don't at all mind. He checked out books on David Lynch (he's just finished Twin Peaks) and some DVDs. I took out Origami Design Secrets: Mathematical Methods for an Ancient Art by Robert Lang and The Origami Bible by Nick Robinson.

We talked about English, about literature, about language and communication. We took the same bus back, and I recited part of I Could Be A Poet by Taylor Mali, and some of Stipper and Jo by me.

Stipper and Jo is one of those poems that has to be read aloud for the full effect. When I wrote it, I had in mind a quick pace, and a British accent. I kinda want to perform it one day.

Anyway, so I was reciting poetry on the bus; and I was drinking coffee (actually, a "Black Cherry Pie", which is hot chocolate, espresso and black cherry syrup--delicious!), so I spoke rather loudly and excitedly. I just about missed my stop because of it. A lady happened to get off at the same stop, and she turned to me and said, "That coffee sure got you going, didn't it!"


As I was walking, I thought about how I fit in the world. Sure, at home or at work, I can be ME with very little thought about what people think; but on the street, who am I?

I thought about the way Kevin might see me. When I got my hair cut this short, he was the first one to see it, and he said nothing. None of that, "Hey, you got your hair cut, it looks nice" bullcrap. And I loved that!

I don't know why he said nothing; maybe he's never said anything about girls' hair before? I don't know, but I don't really care, either. I'm starting to see that honesty--"earnest"-ness in him.

Argh, and this is all after realizing/deciding we wouldn't work as a couple. I guess I still stand by that, but I'm freeing up the type/s of relationship we could have.

"Fluid" is a word I'm starting to use to describe myself--to myself, at least. I change, I flow smoothly, I fill empty spaces, my boundaries are ever changing and I am not restricted to one shape or size--ideally, at least.

So, again, I wonder how he sees me. Probably he sees me as that passionate artist sort, which is nice. I wouldn't mind that.


My Faults

I really like myself. I'm very comfortable with who I am, and not...willing / eager to change, so I can be pretty unmotivated / lazy.

I love attention; I'm pretty self-centred or self-absorbed and sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that not everyone is as "open" as I am, so I have to ask them very specific questions in conversation. I'm working on this, though.

I'm often late. Working on it!


[ post abandoned... ]

Stfu Stuff

Artwork

Woots! Bobfest V is up!

You can also check out what the wall of Boobfest looks like now.

There's also this painting.

This was something I thought up while putting together my army kit. It didn't turn out exactly as I wanted, but pretty close. I think I'll do more of this style in the future; I like it a lot.


Relationships

I think I finally got it through my thick skull that Kevin and I wouldn't work out in a romantic relationship. I'm much too needy--I'm glad that finally got through to me.

It's kinda interesting right now. Maybe I'm just making up meanings, but the fact is that I've sent him about five e-mails recently, two of which asked if he would like to do something this week, and the rest were "just business". He's responded to the "just business ones" only--even the "just business" e-mail that was sent after the "let's hang out" e-mails.

So, I dunno. Maybe he thinks I'm going after him--which I sort of was. I'd love for us to be close friends the way Eric and I are friends, or, at least, the way Eric and I can communicate and know but be pleasantly surprised by one another.

It's... irritating. I wonder how much of it is me and how much of it is.. not me, and what constitutes "not me".

Anyway.


Army

Got my Civi kit inspection today. Probably will get yelled at for not having the "Recommended" items (only the "Mandatory" ones; but you know what, I don't have a ride and I'm not hauling stupid amounts of kit around on a bus.


Me

I've been so angry lately. I want to punch things. I had a dream where I was doing one-handed knuckle push-ups, and it fucking hurt, but I kept going and going until I was absolutely spent.

I don't know what to do--never been... "chronically angry" before.

Exercise, I think.


--Charlie

New Work

Writing.Com

I've begun a portfolio at Writing.Com! You can view it here!

Items there:

• Strip Calc version 1 **updated**
  
• Sitting
  
• Strip Calc bersion 2c

deviantArt

For reference, here's my deviantArt page. I've updated Part III from Epsilons and Deltas.

Once again:

Film and Kevin and Neek

Went to the University's film festival tonight. Kevin had two shorts he directed; Neek had one. Both pretty good.

Went for Tim's with Neek after. He suggested I finish Epsilons and Deltas and submit it next year. Kinda inspired me to work on it tonight. Not sure when I'll finish; but it'd be very nice.

G'night.

--Charlie!

FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I am so fucking pissed off right now. So fucking angry. SO FUCKING ANGRY.

Went in for my kit inspection tonight, and found out I'm not actually leaving this month. I'm not leaving until the end of fucking June. THE END OF FUCKING JUNE.

Two fucking months. This means, not only do I have to suck through GD for two months, it also means I'll be later registering for University courses and maybe I won't even be going back to school this year. FUCKING NOT GOING BACK TO FUCKING SCHOOL FUCKING YET. That's FUCKING INTOLERABLE--one year without school was enough. TWO FUCKING years is too much.

Only a few upsides to this:

• I can say my goodbyes to everyone I hoped to say goodbye to, for real this time;
  
• I can (hopefully) go to the bikeathon again this year;
  
• I can spend more time with Kevin (though I've got it better in my head what I want / what will happen with "us", but that's another topic);
  
• I have more time to sort myself out;
  
• I can get my army kit sorted out; and
  
• I have more time to get in better shape.

Downsides:

• I took an LOA from work;
  
• I took an LOA from teaching;
  
• I told all my friends and acquaintances that I'm leaving at the end of April;
  
• I have to fucking do General Duties (GD) for another two fucking months;
  
• I am so fucking angry right now; and
  
• I have less time to register / think about University courses.

I should also add that on Saturday--the day when I normally teach--I have to choose between getting paid for teaching (and possibly also teaching) or fucking playing with FIRE on base. I'll probably go with FUCKING PLAYING WITH FIRE, HELLS YEAH, just because.

--Charlie

Endgame thoughts

Endgame

At the recommendation of my best friend, I've started watching Endgame. I say "started" because there is so much to digest and it's getting late and already I'm having reactions to the material (it's also over two hours long).


Genetic engineering, Eugenics

I've always been able to relate to the ideas of "perfecting" humanity. I don't mean that I endorse it, but, on a personal level, yes, it makes sense to me. I might not want to have children with someone who had a history of some disease, for example. Do I think people ought to have the choice? I'm not sure. I think so.

But people are so often stupid. I'm not sure if it would be better to have them educated, or to simply limit their choices. Ideally, education; but that seems immensely difficult. I am thinking on it, though.


As a soldier, I'll need that "ideal" body. I want it for myself, yes. I want to train hard for it, I want to eat properly and discipline my body (yes, and I'm staying awake so late).

I think the military--at least, for the jobs that are almost entirely physical--should consist of the best bodies. Statistically, this would include fewer women, I'm sure; but I don't think that should be a deciding factor; there are sure to be women (if only a few) who can meet high physical standards, at least, when given the opportunity.

But, again as a soldier, I would be a tool of the government (I'll use this word very loosely for now). Morally, I can justify being a Reservist, because my focus is more local than international. At the same time, however, I may be used against my own people--Canadians, I mean. For now, I am still comfortable enough.


Brave New World

The beautiful and frightening thing about the "brave new world" is the way everyone can be happy. It's been a while since reading, but I remember the Alphas saying, "Even Epsilons can be useful," or something similar; and Epsilons saying, "I would hate to be an Alpha, they have so much responsibility". They're quite happy with being engineered and given the same expectations as machinery.

It's so efficient. It even works--in theory, at least.

It's frightening how much sense it all makes.

How do you fight that?

The world powers want to make the populations into efficient, expendable property. They have set the battle ground; we cannot choose our terrain, but must meet them on theirs, as I see it. I mean: an inefficient and emotional person will not make a very strong argument, because we have already learned to gauge efficiency and treat it as worth.

How does a slave fight slavery? By being a good slave and acquiring promotions and power? By rebelling and being slain--possibly catching the attention of those with power? I have no answer.


I'm realizing how much I want to be that efficient soldier. I used to be morally opposed to taking painkillers for headaches or illness or anything like that. The only times I've consented to painkillers have been for work or waking (extra) early for school or something else.

For a while, I was off caffeine when I realized I'd fallen into a habit of adding one spoon of instant coffee and one spoon of Ovaltine into my milk every morning, because it made me alert enough to make it to school. It felt entirely too mechanical, and I feared growing dependent.


Is it worse to be dependent or incapable?

For example: Drugs can increase ability (for example, alertness); but dependence is an easily-exploited weakness. Which holds the greater risk/loss?

Eugenics can create beautiful and efficient people, but it could be called a form of dependence--a more diverse population could better withstand certain viruses, for example. However, without the use of eugenics, population may have a higher portion of handicapped persons.

Does it come down to "Efficiency vs. Humanity"?


This is all I can write now. I need sleep. I want Kevin--I want to know his thoughts and motivations, especially on these issues. There's something....deeper or darker that seems to understand or at least acknowledge or struggle with morals or something--I can't tell yet.

Sleep time.
--Charlie

Dreams and Leaving

Dreams

I had a very strange dream about Kevin today/last night. I'll try to summarize it.

We were going for a walk at night, kinda romantic and stuff. I'd been thinking about other people and how he'd never been with anyone else before. So I stopped suddenly and asked him, "How would you describe our relationship?"

I think he paused and eventually said something to the effect of "friendly with a possible romantic interest?"

I laughed, punched him in the arm (in playfulness!) and agreed. We talked about our "relationship", and I eventually said, "Let's have an open relationship" or something.

Later, we met these two or three girls; I think it was on the bus. One of them was based on a co-worker, and another was some pretty girl. The pretty girl was sitting across from us. For some reason, it was made known to everyone that she was interested in dating Kevin. I said, "Well, she's pretty," and she got upset. "Oh, sure, I'm 'pretty', that's all I am, isn't it? Well what do you know!" sort of thing.

The other girl, let's call her Cat, was in front of us, and she kept making eyes at Kevin. I thought it might be interesting to watch, so I scooted over a seat and let her sit beside him.

She's one of those attention-grabbers. She loves attention. She'll speak esoterically and I think the only reason she's interested in some things is for bragging or the sake of being "interesting".

I remember getting sick of her very quickly. But, of course, Kevin liked having this kind of attention paid to him, and found the girl interesting enough, and I was the one who suggested we "open things up a bit", so I held.

It got irritating pretty fast!

I'm not sure exactly how, but I think we all camped or somehow stayed at some house for the night. We took turns "sharing" Kevin. I taught him how to cook and we went for a walk (or something); and she put on a movie and taught him how to cuddle and make out. I was furious.

Actually, I was jealous. I was very vividly jealous. I'd never been jealous like that before--either in real life or dreams.

I'm not sure that it ever ended up getting resolved; I don't remember. But I remember that jealousy cutting into me, like a red-hot fire poker. So I guess the moral of the story is: If I want to have an open relationship with Kevin, I should prepare to be jealous.

Hah!


BMQ/SQ

I've never been away from home and family for two months before. I think the longest was one month, but even then, I was with my eldest brother in Germany.

In less than two weeks, I'll be away for my BMQ/SQ, with no family there. Just me. Me and my thoughts; me and my habits and idiosyncrasies and quirks. And those will slow me down, until I drop them and grow into a soldier--until they remake me in their image.

But, I'm also learning very useful skills--I'll even get my First Aid qualification, which is always great on a resume--and getting paid to learn.

I'm saying "bye" to a lot of friends before leaving. It feels weird. It's only two months. I've gone longer without seeing them, before. Do I want to feel special this time? Maybe. I think I want to be comforted. Strange.


--Charlie!

Kevin!

Kevin

Our "fun question of the day" at work was something like: "What is one very identifying characteristic or quality about yourself? In other words, what is a characteristic you have that makes you 'you'?"

I said something about me being an artist; that I analyze and look for patterns and meanings and, if I can, I add to it.

Kevin came over on Wednesday, and I asked him this question. I asked him that question. His reply surprised me.

"Earnest," he said. I looked questioningly at him. "I mean, I try, I do, honestly." He made some other elaboration I can't quite remember; but mostly, I wasn't familiar with the word "earnest."

earnest
adjective

1. serious in intention, purpose, or effort; sincerely zealous: an earnest worker.
   
2. showing depth and sincerity of feeling: earnest words; an earnest entreaty.
   
3. seriously important; demanding or receiving serious attention.

"earnest." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 11 Apr. 2008. .

Yeah. Wow. That he would say "earnest" as a very identifying characteristic surprises me.

I would have described him as cautious. Uncertain but "going forward" or "willing to go forward" maybe. "Just adventurous enough to take an extra step if drawn in some direction by someone else." Maybe?

There's something very fluid about him; but in being fluid, also somewhat unstable or maybe "tumultuous"--it feels as though he's fighting against himself, that the "instability" is within.

I'm not exactly sure why I like Kevin so much.

Part of it is his accepting nature. When I got my most recent haircut, he didn't stare; he didn't ask questions; he didn't say anything false--he didn't say anything! And it was...very welcome. He takes me in with no questions or expectations. I love that. Mind, I also like to challenge and discomfort people; so maybe I'd actually find him boring after a while. Maybe.

Another large part of it is his newness--he is uncharted territory to me, and I love a good puzzle.

I kind of want to talk to him on that level--though maybe I'm entirely wrong. But this is a journal, and here my imagination rules.

To: Kevin's soul

I think you're used to following or being led around. From what I've seen, you're very good at it, too. You're introverted, and "inside yourself". You can be comfortable pretty much anywhere because of this.

So get uncomfortable!

Go a little deeper inside yourself and ask what it is you want to do--what you yearn to do or experience. Set aside some time for yourself, and then seek after what it is you want--go out and search for it! Be not led by others, but by yourself!

Give it a try! It might feel it's strange and entirely too different to be "right". But you're young enough to try, and you've the means to try.

Lead yourself! Go where you choose; find yourself; be free!

I like that I'm leaving for two months. Maybe he'll be...well, of course "different" but... "more different"? Maybe he'll be "more different" when I get back, and we can begin again:

"I'm Charlie."
"I'm Kevin."
"Good to meet you!"

Is that what I want? Someone to come "back" to? To have my own, maybe separate, adventures, and to come back and swap stories? That doesn't sound like romance, but it sounds like marriage or deep friendship.

I've always "known" that I could marry my best friend--if only "romance" weren't supposed to factor in (it got to the point where he said, "I bet this is what marriage is like", referring to the way we can communicate almost instantaneously). We just have that...relate-able-ness. We have a core understanding of one another. We can leave each other and come back, and still communicate. I love that!

I think I'm going to have something similar with Kevin. It feels that way, at least. There's that sexual tension, too. I'm not sure what will come of it--maybe nothing, maybe everything. Who knows!

--Charlie!

(abandoned) Kevin, Columns and Sex

So, wow. My mom likes Kevin.

It's kinda weird; she barely even knows him but from what I tell her, she loves him! All she really knows is that he's in school, he studies hard (has little spare time to spend with me), and is applying for what she assumes to be a good, high-paying job. Woots.


Army

So, Comms went under Land Forces as of 1-April-08 (or, yesterday). What does this mean? Most importantly, for me, it means that our fitness standards have changed. Oh fug.

I did a Google search for "Battle fitness test" and these came up:
(in Shilo, Manitoba)
http://www.army.forces.gc.ca/lfwa/feature_bft.htm
(forum; how to prepare for the 13k ruck march?)
http://www.militaryphotos.net/forums/archive/index.php/t-119443.html


Reading stuff

http://www.fredoneverything.net/WomenInCombat.shtml
http://www.fredoneverything.net/MilMed.shtml
http://www.fredoneverything.net/MilWomenII.shtml


I'm reading a bunch of these "Fred" articles about women. Maybe I don't count, because I'm Canadian and not American, but if he can put his opinion out there, so can I.

I am a woman. I want to be a woman. I also want the option of being a man sometimes. I like to compete with men; but I do not expect to beat the best of them. I can accept that the best of women could probably not, physically, win in a competition with the best of men. I'm okay with being the same level as an average man; I'd be happy with being better than the average man--which I think is totally feasible.

I don't agree with setting up this war between women and men in an abstract sense--I don't think all women should be against all men. I can't stand affirmative action. But I also think women should be allowed in the military. If an individual fails, then she fails and there should be consequences. I think lowering standards is acceptable at first; but there should also be the expectation to improve. I know that's how I got in; but I also know I'm in poor shape.

I hear women make better helicopter pilots, because our centre of gravity is lower; which means we can balance better (personally), and have a better feel for when something is off balance. Just sayin'.

I'm one of those women who would like to be treated like a man (moreso in the future than now), and am willing to work up to being a good man.


Kevin, again

I think Kevin is one of the few guys who will "get" me--understand me, and even maybe appreciate and like me.

I'm talking with a friend right now, and for some reason we always end up talking about sex if the conversation lasts long enough.

We have generally very different ideas of what "sex" is.

For him, a straight male, the word "sex" immediately calls to mind "coitus" or, as he put it, "the junk in the junk."

For me, "sex" means something more like "sexy things". Included are: dry humping, heavy petting, mutual masturbation, and any other similar physical stimulation. Also, penises are weird, and although I'm slightly fascinated by them, the idea of coitus is generally a turn-off for me.

This in mind, I think there are few men who would understand my preferences. Somehow, I think Kevin could. I dunno, he just seems much more "open"; he'll, at least, talk about anything, and rather comfortably, too.

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