075: (abandoned)

Work

So it's been a while. I got another job, selling knives this time. I started on 17 May, and already I'm quitting.

Started off okay; they have brilliant marketing and training strategies. And, I mean, sure, it's a great job, for some people. Just not me.

Reasons I am quitting Vector:

• I don't have a cell phone;
  
• I don't have a driving license;
  
• I don't have access to a vehicle;
  
• At some point, it becomes dangerous for a tiny Asian girl to wear business casual and take public transit to the North End to sell knives;
  
• Had I a driving license and access to a vehicle, I am averse paying for fuel
  
• I like office/predictable hours;
  
• I need to be me--I need to be an artist (this job is infringing on my ability to be an artist);
  
• I feel as though I am being manipulated through this job--which I am and will be for most any job, but it also feels wrong in my gut; and
  
• I don't like the way it goes through people I know.

Today was my last day. I hand in my papers tomorrow.


Sexuality

I'm trying to figure out which I prefer: men or women. I mean, women have things most men don't--like a good sense of both personal hygiene and bodily responsibility, and attractive breasts--and men have things women usually don't--like facial hair and work-hardened skin.

I'm wondering. I like Kevin--entirely too much--but there are so many times I think to myself, "If only he were a woman."

I'm wondering about one of my close friends who came out as bisexual recently and is now in several open-relationships.

I guess I'm wondering about monogamy. Is it acceptance of human ability to satisfy, versus human desire? I mean, I think a lot of us want more than we can fulfill.

Someone has said of me, "You never can be just one thing, can you!" I guess it's true.

I'm wondering if polygamy is fair. A lot of people want to be the only person (romantically) in another's life--want to "be everything" to someone. Is that naive, or is it optimistic? I think it's a bit of both.

Is polygamy then cynical, or is it practical? "Not one person can satisfy all my needs, so I'll go with multiple people." Is it an excuse? "It's not you, it's me. I just can't be satisfied this way." Yes, I think it can be an excuse sometimes.

I think "Celibate Polygamy" is my word of the day.


Kevin

I'm thinking maybe I've freaked Kevin out a little.

I'm kind of aggressive--at least, the last few guys I liked, I went after them more aggressively--so maybe my phoning and badgering and running my fingertips up the nape of his neck kinda scared Kevin off. Okay! So Charlie is scary and imposing and aggressive and needs to give Kevin some space. Got it!

On the other hand...

Last time he was over, I was running about, trying to finish up my work. So he made himself comfortable laying on the edge of my bed. And he's started making sex/penis jokes, which is an entirely unexpected first! (For example: while playing Settlers of Catan, he managed to make "wood" jokes.) Welcome? Maybe, maybe.

Maybe I'm just giving meaning to events. Actually, I am definitely giving meaning to events, but perhaps they're wrong or perhaps I believe too strongly in them. Like when he initiated physical contact with me for the second time ever. Is that a sign? Maybe? Probably not! Things only fit so well in retrospect. If we end up going together, that will look as a landmark; if we don't, I will forget it ever happened.


Analysis

Why do I like Kevin? --And I mean that in the best way possible.

He doesn't scan or study or judge me--or if he does, it's not on a conscious level. This alone would probably be enough! I'm not sure if I mentioned before, but the day I got my "very" short haircut, he was the first to see it, and he said nothing. No "I like your hair" or "You got your hair cut!" bullshit, nothing. I loved it.

Something in my gut tells me he's a person who is...changing / moving / not-still inside. Or maybe it's more like waterwheel perfectly balanced and awaiting the one drop that will make it spin forward. I'm a little scared to lead/push him the wrong way. I want him to be his own person and carve his own path, but I want to see where he goes--both out of curiosity and because he means something to me.

I guess, tied to the above, he's new ground to me. I've never met someone like him, and I love that. It's both my...cerebral curiosity and my..."soul" curiosity. He himself said he realized just how young he is and how this is the time to explore and make mistakes.



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Penny Problem!

Math

I subbed in for the Calc teacher again. One student showed me a neat puzzle involving pennies! Seriously, try this out using actual pennies/etc.

I totally recommend finding four pennies and trying this out before looking at the solution.

If you can't see the animation above, here's an explanation:

Objective:

Move the pennies into a straight line, any direction.

Rules:

• Move only one penny at a time;
  
• Pennies may only be moved to a spot where it will touch at least two other pennies;
  
• Pennies may not be picked up (you may only slide them around);
  
• Use as many moves as possible, then try to minimize the number of moves.
  

To start, four pennies are arranged so that each penny touches two others; a parallelogram.

If you found that easy, try the next step--use five pennies:



Seeing the Solution

I think the difficulty comes in seeing the line we're trying to build. We're so accustomed to perpendicular lines that we can't see the 60-degree lines until we've physically moved the pennies around for a few minutes to get used to it.


The Solution

Really, the trick to creating a line in the least amount of moves is to make a gap large enough for a single penny. The last move will be to fill in the gap--no other move can be the last move.

At least four pennies must be present for this; but because of the initial arrangement (a "diamond" shape), this is not necessarily intuitive. To build the gap, you must first build a column of three. Then, you must be able to see the line.

With five set up in one column of three and one column of two, the process becomes more obvious--simply remove the middle penny in the column of three.

From there on, it's the same game: make a gap, and stagger the pennies to build the rest of the line. It's interesting to note, though, that the minimum number of moves is equal to the number of pennies! I found that pretty exciting!

I'll figure out a proof for it, some day... I've still got another proof to figure out; it's for a card trick, and I get the feeling it uses Perms and Combs, which sucks for me.

--Charlie!

PS: Happy Mothers' Day!

Kevin?

Post abandoned from 5-May-2008
Kevin

Went for a long walk with Kevin today, maybe 10km, outdoors; talked.

Both he and I have realized how young we are--that this, now, is the time to make mistakes and have adventures. There's something....interesting, I dunno, about him.

I dunno if it means anything, but he started quoting The Simpsons: "...an enigma wrapped in a mystery" and I finished, "wrapped in a vest" and he said, "High-five!" This would be the second time he's initiated physical contact--the first time being at a film festival downtown when he hugged me in thanks for coming.

And while I'm mentioning things that are probably meaningless, he also asked me what my plans are for the summer.


I feel weird; I felt weird with Kevin. After walking, we went back to his place for some water and a bit more conversation, then I went home. I still have difficulty looking at people when i talk tot hem. Same with typing, I think. I type faster and better when I'm not looking at the screen--generally.

We have something......strange?


We walked by a park and decided to cut across. "Let's be naughty," Kevin said in a 'proper' British accent, and I said, "Well, when you put it that way...!" He laughed sharply and replied; "Of all the things to be considered naughty, walking through a field is probably the lamest!" I'm not sure why he said that--if it was to play innocent, or if he really meant it.


Saturday 10-May-2008

Went for another jog with Mark; only did about 3 km tonight because his ankle hurt. Then we went for food.

We talked. We also talked about Kevin. Mark recommends I stop speculating and actually "test the waters". I'm inclined to agree.

Mark asked what I even wanted to do "to" Kevin. Mostly, I want to cuddle.

"Do you want to have sex with him?"

My ideas about sex and what it is--they're probably very different from most other people's ideas! I've probably mentioned it before, but to me, "sex" is "sexy things", and by that definition, I've had "sex" with three people--though I kinda don't think one of them should count because it wasn't enjoyable on this side.

Anyway.

Scissoring is probably the greatest / hottest sex act ever, in my humble opinion. I told Mark that's what I'd probably end up wanting to "do to" Kevin.

I'm going to put my finger in the palm of his hand and see what happens. Well, maybe not yet.

I want to tell him he's beautiful; I like his hair and the way it's thick and rough; the way he can turn his smile off and on like a switch; the way he likes politeness and defaults to it all the time; I want to see what he sees; to feel his thoughts and know the reactions that spark within him as I run my fingers down his chest, along his shoulders and up the column of his neck. I want to hear his breathing and feel the heaving of his chest as we lay against eachother in half sleep. I want to take a walk with him in some open field, then race him to the other side, and tackle him to the ground when he wins.

Sigh.

But, at the same time, I'm not sure if I want these things. I mean, even though he's said he's realized how young he is and that this now is the time to be adventurous and make mistakes, I just don't know. I don't know if it's worth it.

I could have a totally awesome, meaningful and long-lasting relationship.
I could have a pretty great relationship and find out that we're just not meant to be, but we get over it and move on, learning from the whole experience.
I could totally botch this up and ruin both our futures.
I could totally botch this up and ruin just one of our futures...

Who knows!

--Charlie!

Exercise, Women and Army

Exercise

Went for a jog/walk with Mark last night / this morning. Nine kilometres. It took roughly two hours or just under--hard to tell, since we didn't actually time it, and had to drive to/from the run.

Besides complaining and profaning, believing I couldn't continue, walking when I was supposed to be jogging and even more profaning, I think I did pretty okay! I mean, it was my first run since, what, grade ten, and it was nine friggin' kilometres. I used to think the 1600 metre run was rough!

We stopped at a park so I could do chin-up negatives (hold the chin-up position as long as possible, letting my body ease down as slowly as possible; break; repeat) and monkey-bar ab crunches.

Last night at Army, I read through the Army Fitness Manual. Man, that's useful stuff!

There were only a few nit-picky things that I didn't like, or found interesting:

• It speaks about females in......an interesting way:

  Specific Guidance for Training Female Soldiers
  
  Land Force Command recognizes that some female soldiers may have specific concerns about training and preparation for the AFS. It is well known that, generally, women do not have the same aerobic capacity as men, nor are they as strong, especially in the upper body. These differences in physical performance are due in large part to differences in body size and composition.
  
  However, women’s bodies respond to aerobic and strength training programmes in similar ways to men’s. Thus, the Army Fitness Programme is designed to accommodate and prepare all soldiers for the AFS. To help with this, three load options are provided in the Bench Press and Squat items in the Fitness Check and a special upper-body strength and aerobics circuit is provided for Day 6 (Optional). Here is a little more information and advice:
  
  Aerobic capacity • The lower aerobic capacity of women (compared to men) is due to a smaller muscle mass, a smaller volume of blood, and lower hemoglobin concentrations in the blood. In spite of this, the AFS is as attainable for women as it is for men. The Special Upper-Body Strength and Aerobics Circuit will help you improve both of these fitness components at the same time.
  
  Strength improvement • Female soldiers may be concerned that they are not as strong as their male colleagues, yet they must be able to lift the same loads. Women are generally about two-thirds as strong as men, but relative to their size women can gain as much or more strength than men following similar training programmes. The good news is… the Army Fitness Programme will lead to significant improvement in muscular strength and endurance and help you achieve the level you need to perform to the AFS. You can use the appropriate loads in the Fitness Check Bench Press and Squat items and, of course, the training routines are individualized and progressive for best results.
  
  Pregnancy • Pregnancy causes changes in physical abilities. Therefore, pregnant soldiers will consult with their Base/Unit MO ensuring no duties are undertaken in accordance with DAOD 5003-5, “Pregnancy Administration” that may pose a threat to the health of the member or the fetus. Unless specified by an MO, pregnancy does not preclude physical training. Physical fitness activities will be directed by PSP staff in accordance with the Guide to Fitness During and After Pregnancy in the CF.
  
  

  from: page 5, Army Fitness Manual: http://www.army.dnd.ca/2field_engineers/images/B-GL-382-003-PT-001.pdf

  
  
• The perspective in the drawings are horrible
  
• The drawings show exercises being performed poorly (eg: one arm higher than the other when lifting weights).
  

Women, Army

I dunno. I still wonder about this. I'm better understanding why women aren't allowed in certain groups (eg: Special Forces). I hate "affirmative action" or "employment equity", but while I understand most women are weaker than men, there must be even just a few who could make it; and I believe those few should have the chance.

I'm sort of glad we're doing the BFT now, and not the CF Express Test, because there are no exceptions, really. "If you can't do it, you can't do it" and there's nonoe of that "You're a woman, so 75% is okay." It's great:

Building on the Basics

This programme builds on the CF EXPRES Programme and takes you to a higher level of fitness than that required in the Canadian Forces Minimum Physical Fitness Standard (CFMPFS). The CFMPFS uses a predictive test model-—including the 20-metre shuttle run, hand-grip, push-up and sit-up—-to determine the fitness levels required, by age and gender, to meet the five tasks common to all soldiers of the Canadian Forces. Since the normal physical abilities of young, middle-age, and older individuals can vary—and that of men and women varies, too—the fitness standards in the CFMPFS also vary.

The AFS is different. It uses the task performance model to determine the fitness level of each soldier. Every soldier—-young or old, male or female, small or large—-must be able to meet the standards to be fit to fight. This means that to meet the AFS, all soldiers have to develop their endurance, strength, power, and flexibility to the appropriate level as shown in the Fitness Check table in Chapter 4.

The ASF difference...

Every soldier—young or old, male or
female, small or large—must be able to
meet the AFS to be fit to fight.

from: page 4, Army Fitness Manual

I like that very much.

--Charlie!

Me

Every time I get on a bus or walk leisurely, I'm reminded that I am extremely privileged, blessed, elite. I have a very capable body: it functions perfectly. I have no deformities, I was born a very healthy baby, I have a fantastic and agile mind; I am a very good size, perhaps a bit short, but, being female, I'll still grow, slightly and slowly, but surely, for even a few more years.

I am able to train myself; to develop myself. I learn, I adapt, I grow.

I am a very blessed human being. I am entering perhaps the prime of my life. Age 22 is the average time when the part of our human brain that deals with the long-term perspective enters maturity. Supposedly, most women don't reach their full sexual (orgasmic) potential until 35. That's going to be something.

Leah has started her menopause, and she told me she felt "wise", that the lack of estrogen made her feel wise and perhaps more able to understand the world without this hormonal bias. That's probably what I'm feeling right now--I'm finishing bleeding for the month. There's a lot of anecdotal reports of increased creativity during a woman's period. Is it the estrogen? The lack thereof? I'm not sure.


I have a wonderful body, a beautiful mind, a determined spirit. I am so blessed. Now what will I do with these?

--Charlie

Origami etc

Origami

Started on another fish tank origami display. This time, I'm using a fish tank my mom doesn't want, so there'll be no fear of her taking it apart again!

Picked up Origami Design Secrets: Mathematical Methods for an Ancient Art by Robert J. Lang.

It's absolutely wonderful. It's not just a "folding" book with only instructions and minimal literature. It goes into how models have been designed and gives tips. The first or biggest tip is this: modify an existing model; don't expect to create something totally original at first. I like that. He writes something to the effect of "no design is sacred", meaning it's totally open for modification or interpretation.

The only thing I don't like is my inability to accurately reproduce those models--I guess "difficult" would be the word, but my biggest problem is getting the proportions just right. For example:

I'm instructed to fold the paper in half and just make a pinch mark at the halfway point. Then, halve that half and pinch again at the one quarter mark. Then, make a crease from the half-way mark, and bring the far corner of the paper to the one-quarter mark.

Problems:
- the pinch marks are nearly invisible on the white side of the paper
- the pinch marks are rather thick, increasing error
- some paper doesn't like pinch-marks: it'll resist the fold unless it's creased all the way.

Ah well.


New origami pieces added to my deviantArt gallery:

Writing

I'm starting a writing exchange with Kevin. So far, I've sent him a link to Stipper and Jo, and he's sent me a poem about dying in a car crash.

Hehe.

He seems to have a morbid fascination with car crashes--or, I dunno, maybe. His film group's name references it; and he's sent in two submissions for his university's literature journal about car crashes. He said the other day that maybe this is why he hasn't got his driving license yet.

Anyway. This poem he sent is...yeah, morbid--unexpectedly morbid. The end cuts off like in Margaret Laurence's Stone Angel.


Kevin

Went to the library with Kevin on Wednesday. We're kinda geeky, but I don't at all mind. He checked out books on David Lynch (he's just finished Twin Peaks) and some DVDs. I took out Origami Design Secrets: Mathematical Methods for an Ancient Art by Robert Lang and The Origami Bible by Nick Robinson.

We talked about English, about literature, about language and communication. We took the same bus back, and I recited part of I Could Be A Poet by Taylor Mali, and some of Stipper and Jo by me.

Stipper and Jo is one of those poems that has to be read aloud for the full effect. When I wrote it, I had in mind a quick pace, and a British accent. I kinda want to perform it one day.

Anyway, so I was reciting poetry on the bus; and I was drinking coffee (actually, a "Black Cherry Pie", which is hot chocolate, espresso and black cherry syrup--delicious!), so I spoke rather loudly and excitedly. I just about missed my stop because of it. A lady happened to get off at the same stop, and she turned to me and said, "That coffee sure got you going, didn't it!"


As I was walking, I thought about how I fit in the world. Sure, at home or at work, I can be ME with very little thought about what people think; but on the street, who am I?

I thought about the way Kevin might see me. When I got my hair cut this short, he was the first one to see it, and he said nothing. None of that, "Hey, you got your hair cut, it looks nice" bullcrap. And I loved that!

I don't know why he said nothing; maybe he's never said anything about girls' hair before? I don't know, but I don't really care, either. I'm starting to see that honesty--"earnest"-ness in him.

Argh, and this is all after realizing/deciding we wouldn't work as a couple. I guess I still stand by that, but I'm freeing up the type/s of relationship we could have.

"Fluid" is a word I'm starting to use to describe myself--to myself, at least. I change, I flow smoothly, I fill empty spaces, my boundaries are ever changing and I am not restricted to one shape or size--ideally, at least.

So, again, I wonder how he sees me. Probably he sees me as that passionate artist sort, which is nice. I wouldn't mind that.


My Faults

I really like myself. I'm very comfortable with who I am, and not...willing / eager to change, so I can be pretty unmotivated / lazy.

I love attention; I'm pretty self-centred or self-absorbed and sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that not everyone is as "open" as I am, so I have to ask them very specific questions in conversation. I'm working on this, though.

I'm often late. Working on it!


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