Mixed Update

Bus Girl

There's a girl on the bus, Shannon. She's adorable; small Chinese girl, 24 years old, always curious or happy--she's got this way of speaking, as though everything is happy and positive. For the most part, she doesn't express negative emotions very well (unless she frowns, and then she looks so hateful), which makes it a little difficult to talk to her, but as long as I'm listening carefully, it shouldn't be a problem.

She says I'm charming. Tehee!


Me

I got a bra fitted the other day. It was in a tasteful "adult" shop; I liked the experience! I'm actually bigger and smaller than I thought! I'm a 34-C or D; and in some cases, 36-B or C. That was impressive. I never thought I'd be a D-cup; even a C-cup seemed generous.


Bible / Christianity

I'm reading through Matthew again--at least, I'm starting at Matthew, and I'm, hopefully, going to get through the entire New Testament consecutively this time. Last time, I finished the Sermon on the Mount, and went, "Hey, yeah!" and left it at that. I guess I'm partly scared I'll find something stupid/disagreeable. But I have to keep in mind it's People writing, not directly God. And context is confusing--it sucks that history gets more made-up as we go along.

Like... A long time ago, THIS was the way it was. A few generations later, it's forgotten, so the next generation researches it and records it in their own context. These are then used as research for more research. To understand context, you have to... I dunno, how does one understand context, if not taught it by someone else? I mean, to an extent, one can GO there, but even when there, things are different NOW than THEN. ... Augh.

So, what I'm scared I'll find is intolerance and hate or fear -mongering. I heard once that religions were made as rulebooks, because following rules actually changed one's consciousness, which is cool!

"Do not unto others unless you would have them do unto you." That's a nice place to start, action-wise. It's not as selfish as "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", but it conveys a similar message. It's more about respecting others than gratifying self. I like this version.


Photos

Our apple tree had blossoms! I got home from the bikeathon, and the branches were like green and white arms! View album here.

Also available for your viewing pleasure are old photos from the Piano Smash fundraiser. You may view them here.


Teaching

Augh. Been subbing for Calc lately; I know most of the kids by name already (which would be more impressive if there were more than ten).

Last day is tomorrow. Not sure I look forward to it, if it's with my regular class. But I really love those Calc kids!

Also! How cool is this? Leibniz cookies! Woots!

--Charlie!

BIG FLAMING HOMO

Artwork

Here are two watercolours from over Easter:

1. There was an article on rabbits on the Easter newspaper, and they were just so adorable. I dug out my watercolours.

I tried to get that "fuzzy" effect of wet-on-wet. Didn't quite work. Also, Bunny looks too tall, like it's a hunched monster, instead of a cute nibbler. The grass didn't turn out nicely, either. I think the biggest problem is my lack of planning.

2. I put more planning into this doodle.

I like this little fellow a lot! This piece is on display in my room.


Queer

I've been thinking about queerness again. The issue has come up with one of my close friends, let's call him Andy, because he's mostly straight, but he loves his best friend, and now they're acting on it.

Andy was one of the first people I came out to--of course, because we were close friends. He didn't get why I had to make such a big deal out of being queer; it's not his business, so why should he care? And every time I'd say something unquestionably queer, he'd call me on it and get fed up immediately. Can't say I'd have blamed him; I think I was the first queer person he had a relationship with.

Anyway. Turns out he loves his best friend. He told me that, ever since I came out to him, he'd been thinking about his love for his best friend. I don't mean to be an I-told-you-so, but I could tell my queerness made him uncomfortable on a deeper and more personal level than just, "Ew, you're a queer person." But I figured it'd be best to let him figure out why he reacted so much.

Our relationship's been through a heck of a lot. I'm not sure what's going on right now; we talked about our differences. He thinks Gay Pride Parades are counterproductive, because shoving it in others' faces won't make them any more accepting. I believe Gay Pride Parades are more about celebrating than convincing. Similarly, I don't think fiancees invite guests to their wedding to convince them they love eachother; they invite others to celebrate.

Is it vain to celebrate in public? Maybe. But some people think they have all sorts of rights. I still remember our History teacher saying, "Some people believe they have the right to be surrounded only by white people." Similarly, I think some people believe they have the right to be surrounded by only heteronormative people.

Andy says that I'm intolerant of those who aren't as open-minded. Sadly, I think he's got a point. I really, really wish people were more open-minded. At the same time, I'm learning that there needs to be all sorts of people for the world to work. (I think that's what the Tower of Babel was about.)

"You need to be more open-minded!" has been added to my list of ironic phrases.


I like obscenity

I'm not sure why. I like that it rubs us the wrong way and makes us uncomfortable. I like controversy and making people uncomfortable. Is that selfish? Do I like being made uncomfortable? ... I think I do; sometimes. I can appreciate it when something makes me uncomfortable--intellectually.

Sometimes I'm a bit too obscene for my own social survival (like playing games with Kevin's brother who's three years younger than us). Man, I can just see it happening--I'm courting Kevin and I'm over for a family dinner and I start talking about clits and menstruation over a fabulous turkey dinner and suddenly everyone has lost appetite.

I'm trying to tone it down when I'm around certain crews.


Church

I stick out in my church. We're maybe 99% Asians, and all of us, generally, very traditional. Of the women, I probably have the shortest hair. I try to style it so that it looks "modern" as opposed to "masculine", but somehow I'm always wearing masculine ("gender neutral" at best) clothes, too. Everyone always says it's "cute", like if they said anything else, it might be insulting or give me away as a queer.

Dammit, I'm pretty open, too.

I want to be a FLAMING HOMO in my church. But that's a bit difficult for women; I guess I could pierce the bajeebus out of my face, and wear a mohawk and black pants with metal chains hanging everywhere. Or, I dunno, plaid and steel-toed boots.

The weird thing is that I trust our leaders: pastors and some elders and teachers, and even some of the more prominent figures in our general body/classes. But it's everyone else; the way gossip travels, the way everyone is up in everyone else's business--I can't stand that.

I'd love it if I could shout, "WOOO, I'M A HOMO!" and stop everyone from trying to ask and gossip. "GET OVER IT!" I know this group of people would have little problem with it; and there would definitely be some people on the ends of the spectrum, who'd either congratulate me, or condemn me; but the majority of them would whisper about how sorry they are for my soul: "Is that proper? I don't think it's proper. Maybe she'll go to Hell. Poor girl. Let's pray that she changes."

"THAT'S RIGHT, I LOVE CLIT! BOOBS ARE FANTASTIC, AND NIPPLES ARE FLIPPIN' AMAZING!"

Haha. Right, that's happening.

--Charlie!

Books and Easter

Books

I finished reading The Wrath of the Grinning Ghost by Brad Strickland (using Johnny Dixon and more of Bellairs' characters).

I guess I picked this up because I had bought "The Bell, the Book and the Spellbinder" back in grade school and I missed reading fantastic magical adventure horror stories. 'Grinning Ghost was amazing. It starts off a little quick and predictable, but I didn't mind.

I started up on l'Engle's The Young Unicorns, but had to put it down after about 10 pages. It was just too racist. Not that it was malicious, but just the fact that the characters had to ponder race so deeply--and within the first 10 pages--was a major turn-off. I may give it a second chance later (l'Engle is one of my favourite writers after all).


Easter

I was in the Good Friday / Easter choir again this year. It kinda sucks that we need a special occasion for a choir, but at least we have a choir. It's good to be singing again; feels wonderful.

I also found myself realizing how....strong our leaders are.

We have three pastors: one each for English, Cantonese and Mandarin. In the two Johnny Dixon books I've read, the priest is a heroic figure. I guess that's also in a few of l'Engle's books, too.

And I realized during service, that the three pastors are also...warrior-like. They too have that strength and a sort of nobility or knight-ness. Also one of our Elders who teaches Sunday School for the teens. Should anyone in the church be caught in a spiritual battle and be in need of help, I have no doubt any of them would hesitate to fight. I dunno, it's easy to picture them with jeweled swords and emblazoned shields, fighting off demons and dragons.

Which, I guess they do!

One of their favourite passages is about the Armour of God (http://www.realarmorofgod.com/armor-of-god.html).


[post abandoned]

Theology!

So. I was born into a Chinese Christian family, and I was baptized as a member of a Chinese Alliance Church on December 17, 2006; I was eighteen and it was my decision.

Being gay (okay, "bisexual", but I'm beginning to find that word a little clumsy and irritating) in a very conservative Chinese church has its excitements. When I first came out to the English pastor, he didn't seem very knowledgeable or open, so maybe he automatically went to stereotypes (there's a topic I could go on about!) like being anti-gay. And then we talked over the next few weeks, and I brought him up to speed with my "journey" and beliefs.

... I remember, though, one time, we had an outreach, and I brought my buddy Jonathon, who is pretty much an Atheist and a huge jerk. Jon asked about gay people in church, and the English Pastor said, "I would love it if there were gay people in our church!" which said a lot about his ideas of who gay people are.

But, I must admit, he seemed much more open-minded and less "OMG!" when we last talked.


There are a few places in the Bible, with which I have issues. Mostly, they're things like this:

Genesis 3
The Fall of Man

(The Serpent has talked Eve into eating of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil; Eve gave some to Adam; they felt naked and hid; God approaches them and then begins to punish them all.)

My biggest beef here is what God says to Eve in Gen 3:16...

¹⁶ To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you."

Kay, wait. What?

Sometimes I wonder if we've "grown out of the old curses". This is my biggest question, because it leads so many ways...

Have we grown out of some parts of the Bible?

I know the invention of words like "gay" or "homosexual" are very recent to the English language, where their definitions vary. Some cultures have/had very specific words for identities like... "Person who was born male, lives a masculine lifestyle and is attracted to men" or "Person who was born female has been intimate with men but prefers women".

Homosexuality as we now know it was not a concept known to those in "biblical times", so it could not have been written about the way we could understand it. Some would argue that only homosexual actions (and not homosexuality) are written about in the Bible.

So, that brings me back to Gen 3:16. There exists counter-example! ... Therefore...?

I'm not sure how to end that sentence.


Hinduism

I've started watching this television show, when I can spare the time. One episode, the hostess talked with the writer of Dharma, Karma and Much More, which is, from my understanding, a sort of FAQ and intro to Hinduism.

In my setting (suburban, Chinese, Canadian, Christian...), I've not had much exposure to Hinduism, except through the last seasons of Xena: Warrior Princess, so I already respected and admired Hinduism.

What I most love is the acceptance and open-ness. The author even said, "You are Muslim, I am Hindu", meaning that we each go our own way--such is life, and we should accept it!


Community

I like my church, in some ways, yes. But at the same time, I can't stand the social games some of the women play. I can't stand how it's about status and image and how they can gossip and not realize it's gossip!

Haha. My best friend Eric sometimes expresses that he wishes I went to his church, a Lutheran church. I also wish; but it would be like giving up my church. ... Why can't we be less polarized--less set against each other--and more united? Why would switching churches seem like abandoning?


Image

Sigh. I'm not sure if I'm falling for "image" again. Christianity is supposed to be about acceptance, too, since Jesus was a cage-rattler and stood up for those who "got no respect". But Christianity has sort of become the badguy in most people's minds--at least, from what I see and hear personally and through the media. Maybe it's like America--just a few really bad example shake its entire image.

This is one arguments I made about the word "bisexual" when I was coming out. "It's normal, and now there's a word for it!" was my war-cry. I guess my words are coming back to me now; I want to be able to say "I am Christian" without also thinking, "But I'm not one of those lunatics!" I don't know if I can get to that point, though.

Which is not to say that I'll not be/call myself Christian! I won't give up! I just think it'd be easier to be Christian if I were Hindu.


This is something I do pray about--not just talk. I wish it were easier to "be Christian". I know there is a tangible and supernatural force that also created the universe; but what makes me so certain that force is the Christian God? Why isn't that force someone or something else?

Did Jesus exist? Yes, I believe that to be historically true.
Is Jesus the Son of God? Yes, I believe that to be true, though I admit it is harder.
Did Jesus die for me? Yes, I believe that I have indeed done evil, and that my actions have consequence both here and in Eternity (whatever that looks like), and that Jesus took that Eternal punishment in my place.


Sigh.
--Charissa

Waterless and Queer

Phew, it's been a terribly full few days.

I live with my folks still (hey, I'm not so old yet), in the basement of our house. Well, actually, our basement has two levels: topographically, one half is on top of the other. On the upper half is my room, the downstairs washroom and the "computer room".

The pipe under the sink of the downstairs washroom broke.

I woke up Wednesday morning to the sound like the upstairs shower was on or the toilet was flushing; and my parents yelling things to eachother. Water had leaked from the washroom, into my room, the computer room and even the basement. We managed to turn the water, so that no more water leaked through; but it took a while to clean up the rest; and since we turned off our water, we wouldn't be able to use the water until we turned it on again.

So, we've been waterless for a few days.



I'm not straight.

I've known I liked women for some time now. I think I first noticed in highschool Art class, because I paid the same kinds of attention to the female figure as the male figure (which some people found a little odd); and I've always been a little gender-queer. I guess last year, 2006, was the first time I did anything about it (I joined the LGBTT* student group at university).

I also came out to my close friends; and, only this month, my pastor at church.

He disappointed me a little; because either he really just doesn't have the words or experience to articulate what he means, or he really is just close-minded. It would break my heart if he turned out to be so "typical" a church leader as to have a closed-mind.

The same day I came out to him, his wife had asked that, if I ever needed "someone older--but not too much older!" to speak to, like a mentor, then we should go out for coffee or something sometime and talk. And then, later that day, I came out to her husband, the pastor. He asked me how old I was, and it felt like hew as leafing through a textbook. "Oh, well, you know, sometimes--and I don't mean to, ah, ah, categorize you, but--sometimes, teenagers have this, ah, sort of, a sexual confusion." And before he left, he asked if he could pray for me (I said sure, and it wasn't quite as disappointing as I'd feared).

This past Sunday, the pastor bumped into me again for the first time since I'd come out to him. I was reading Oscar Wilde collection I'd recently bought, because I had about four hours to kill before work that day. The pastor sat down beside me and said, "Oh, you like Oscar Wilde?" It sounded more like, "I didn't know gays liked Oscar Wilde! Was he gay? I didn't think he was gay!"

Then, he asked if I'd like to get together with him to "talk further about, ah, that." I said sure. I also wanted to ask if his wife would be there, too, since she'd offered the same thing (less specifically) before him (and I'm worried he'll still be disappointing); but I had the feeling that he'd be scared I'd hit on his wife or something, so I didn't ask.

We're getting together tomorrow around lunchtime. I don't know quite how I feel. Mostly I have this feeling I'm going to be inarticulate and let down, either by my disarticulation-ness or by his lack of...something, understanding.

I pray it goes well...
--Charissa