Discrepancies

So, there are some discrepancies in the four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John). Something specific crossed my path just today: the story of Jesus walking on water. This was right after the feeding of the five thousand.

Matthew 14:22-36

Jesus Walks on the Water

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance[a] from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Mark 6:45-56

Jesus Walks on the Water

Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray.

When evening came, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, 50because they all saw him and were terrified.

Immediately he spoke to them and said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." 51Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened.

When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret and anchored there. As soon as they got out of the boat, people recognized Jesus. They ran throughout that whole region and carried the sick on mats to wherever they heard he was. And wherever he went—into villages, towns or countryside—they placed the sick in the marketplaces. They begged him to let them touch even the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret. And when the men of that place recognized Jesus, they sent word to all the surrounding country. People brought all their sick to him and begged him to let the sick just touch the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed.

John 3:16-24

Jesus Walks on the Water

When evening came, his disciples went down to the lake, where they got into a boat and set off across the lake for Capernaum. By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. When they had rowed three or three and a half miles, they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were terrified. But he said to them, "It is I; don't be afraid." Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading.

The next day the crowd that had stayed on the opposite shore of the lake realized that only one boat had been there, and that Jesus had not entered it with his disciples, but that they had gone away alone. Then some boats from Tiberias landed near the place where the people had eaten the bread after the Lord had given thanks. Once the crowd realized that neither Jesus nor his disciples were there, they got into the boats and went to Capernaum in search of Jesus.

Just posting this. No comments from me.
--Charlie

Whaa?

Me

I go through this cycle where my sex drive is on full auto, just going like crazy; and then it calms down to the point where normally-sexy things seem... bizarre?

Like, right now, I'm in the latter stage and I was just thinking how mind-blowing it is that, for example, guys can get an intense feeling of pleasure just by rubbing themselves--and not only the feeling, but it stands up, it changes our internal body chemistry, pulse rises, the damned thing stiffens and then stuff comes out of it! I mean, people actually do this--and the seeming majority, on a regular basis! What the hell?

Cerebrally, yes, okay, this makes sense and is not really that surprising. But right now, my emotional reaction is "Whaa--?"

I guess this is a bit of a pointless post. But there was a moment just now where it just seemed so preposterous that I had to comment on it.

I'll add something less inane later. Maybe.

Oh and I came out to DW today. Cool!

--Charlie

Today

Ugh

So, first off, I'm going for my military driver license. This means I'm on course again, yay!

There's this guy from our unit, whom I'd never seen until the start of Driver. Turns out, he farts a lot, and they stink, seriously stink. Seriously. But, whatever, we all have our quirks and I'm sure he's got virtues, too somewhere.

But something weird's happened.

We're now on the second day of Driver. Today was a lot of standing in front of LSVWs, and this guy, we'll call him Fred, kept touching me. I mean things like using my shoulder as an arm rest, nudging me; and he kept staring at me! It was... unnerving (his eyes are too close together and it makes him look a bit cross eyed).

And, we had a break, and I went to the washroom and when I came back, some guys were in one truck and Fred was in the other. I went to talk to the other guys, and they mentioned with an expectant smirk how "lonely" Fred was "all by himself" in the other LS and that maybe I should go keep him company. "I think I'm gonna...not do that," I said and walked away.

Then, after dismissal today, he just strolled up to my locker, which is at the end of our hall and really, there's nothing else important there so he was definitely coming over to see me. He said Hi or something and I returned it with a very confused tone. I dont' think he said anything else, or else it was unmemorable, but he stared and seemed like he was getting ready to say something, but then he just turned around and left. What the hell?!


That kinda reminds me, though...


Dream

I had a dream this morning. I was a male gymnast and on television, I think. Except, it was live. I did some fancy moves and made commentary on them.

Then I explained stretches and ways to relax to the viewers. I did an impressive handstand and then came down and explained how I usually needed to unwind after handstands. Then, my wife or ex-wife or long-time girlfriend appeared and began to stroke my shoulders and arms, and I just melted. It felt amazing, my body just began to shut down and drift.

"Mm," I said to my audience, "but this works, too."

I sat back upright and did a few more impressive moves, and when I finished them, again, she would stroke my shoulders, back, arms; and again I would instantly relax. I began to lay on the ground--and now it was the carpet in the living room--and she ran her hands down the front of my sculpted chest and back up my shoulders.

"Okay, and that's enough for today, good bye, folks!"

And the show ended, and I kissed and stroked her. She had freckles on her arms that seemed to glitter, like they were flakes of crystalline amber or something! Unreal, but pleasant in my dream. Everything just felt so...right, so good, so destined maybe.

I ended up laying in her lap and she just ran her hands lightly over my upper body. It was amazing.


Then I woke up to my angry clock alarm. Boo.

--Charlie!

Sexual Identity

Identity

An interesting train of thought hit me this morning. It's something I've thought about in the past, but never really...explored. It's about sexual identity, sort of.

First, assume that preference is not the only factor in sexual identity. I'm going to say the factors of Preference, Gender and Biological Sex are important and I'll deal with only these for now.

Preference is who you prefer. This can be basic as the biological sex of the person, or as complex as the person's internal workings.

Gender is self-identification, who you think or feel you are on the inside. I'll use words like "masculine" and "feminine" to describe gender.

Biological Sex is arguably the simplest to understand, but difficult to explain where "male" ends and "female" begins because of so many genetic variations. For the most part, this is determined by primary sex characteristics: what's in your pants. Biological males have penises and biological females have clits and vaginas. There's always variation, too, and I'm not sure how to call a person with both or neither, so for simplicity's sake, I'm going to use words like "male", "female" and "other". Sorry people-who-fit-into-this-and-might-take-offense.


So, who is Charlie?

I'm biological female. That one's easy enough for me to identify. I've got a vag and a clit.

I'm attracted to both males and females of all kinds. I've known that for a few years now and have been out for about three years.

Gender is the hard part for me define, but I'm hoping that the effort of writing will help me organize this.


History

I remember when I was a little kid in grade school, sometimes I'd be sick and would stay home for the day. And being bedridden, I'd watch whatever was on television. Usually, this meant soap operas, and although I was upset with the lack of cartoons, I'd stick some of them out.

I don't remember what the show was, but one time, I saw the end of an episode. What my young mind gathered was this: there was a man, and there was this "beautiful" woman (I knew she was "beautiful" because she had long blonde hair and was wearing a flowing red dress). The man had done something that the beautiful woman didn't like. But he was enamoured of her. The woman was sly: she waited for the man to let his guard down and then killed him--or at least, it was implied by the way she sneaked into his room at night with a knife or firearm.

And I *remember* thinking to myself, This is great! Women are desired and powerful! And I'm going to grow up into one!

However, the other thought that occurred to me, not nearly as prominently, was that, perhaps, "women" are only powerful because they can manipulate the men who have the "real" power. This rather disturbed me and I didn't think about it too long.


However, I have another recollection of my wayful childhood.

I was watching Disney's Pocahontas for the first time. That must've been 1995, which put me at age seven.

There's a scene [Youtube] where Governor Ratcliffe is singing and walking down a flight of steps with these ladies lining the edges and cooing over him.

And this time, I thought, Oh, so "women" are a symbol of power and status. To have women fawn over your is a sign you're rich/powerful. (And the thought went even further) So, one day when I'm rich and powerful, I'll have ladies fawning over me!


I don't know how much that last thought played in the rest of my life. I didn't consciously think, I must attract ladies to me! But maybe it played a small part. Everything we remember must have played a part, yes?


So, those were my young thoughts of "women" and power and wealth. I say "women" with quotes because I don't think all women are necessarily like this. I mean a perception of women, not actual women.


So, gender.

I think, maybe, since seeing that bit from Pocahontas, I started to identify with men more.

Around grade seven (age 12), I started liking vampires and stuff. A lot of my drawings from that time show it (it's kind of embarrassing). Around the same time, something else started happening, and I'm not sure if the two are related or not.

I started "hearing voices".

That's about the easiest way I can put it. The weird thing was this "voice" wasn't external, it wasn't a strange voice, it was...familiar. And it would say all sorts of things, mostly about myself and my current situation; but, sometimes it would tell me about the very near future; and it was usually right. Granted, the "very near future" may have just fit under "my current situation", but it was still neat, and for this reason did I decide this voice was external.

That wasn't the only reason, though.

The voice was masculine. Eventually, a very real presence grew behind that voice. Sometimes I thought he was the Devil come to talk me out of Heaven. This character was very powerful, very alluring, and also, it seemed, very dangerous. Even now, I still entertain the possibility he's the Devil. But it seems mostly absurd now. I wonder if that's a bad thing...

After a while, I gave him a name--I won't reveal it here, but I'll give the nickname Cyan.

Cyan felt very much a part of my mind. It was as though he had no body and so rested in mine--he didn't take over it, but he could talk me into doing things--more accurately, what he'd say would make me react.

But enough about history.


Now

I've had this thought before: What if I'm a man on the inside?

When I first really considered the possibility I was bisexual, a whole new world opened up. I suppose it's comparable to looking at the types of characters you can make in RPGs.

"There are so many things I might be! I might be [this], but no, they have [this quality] which I don't have. Or [this], they have [this quality] which I have and like, but so does [this]..."

I didn't have to be a straight feminine female! It was a remarkable feeling, that I didn't have to be something. I had the freedom to not be something I didn't want!

Writing this, I'm having trouble explaining in a way that doesn't imply I could *choose* whom I was attracted to or such. I didn't just wake up and think, OMG I WANT TO LIKE WOMEN NOW, HURRRR. No, I woke up and thought, Alright so I actually do like women, what other assumptions do I have about myself, that might also be flawed?

And one of those assumptions was being "feminine" on the inside.

As an aside, no, I've never been terribly feminine to begin with. My only siblings are two much-older brothers, so maybe that influenced me. But my mom says I came out of the womb already my own person, stubborn and not willing to conform to the shape the world sets for little Chinese girls.


So, what have I been thinking this morning...

Let's assume I'm masculine inside. ...What now?

I'm still attracted to both male/masculine and female/feminine.
I'm still a giver.

The way I excite feels more comfortable. Less expectation, more enjoyment.

Do I want to change my body to be more male?
Superficially, yeah, a little. I mean, I would love to have that muscular chest/abs/arms combo going on. And chest hair would be freakin' awesome!

How about a penis?
...It'd be very interesting to have a functional penis. But I don't think I want to *change* my body to get one.

Why? If I'm really a man living in a woman's body, shouldn't I want the body to reflect what's inside?
I think I'm too afraid to. Parents would freak out. I'd have very little support; most of my friends would run away. I can only think of two definite people who would stick it through with me, and one of them, I'm not sure he'd be supportive of it. Just friendly-supportive.
And I think I'm naive enough to think that, if I stay in this body and go through all that frustration, one day, I'll find that soulmate who'll understand me.

Why do people dye their hair?
Because it looks better? Because they want to try it out? Because they think it would fit better with the rest of their bodies?
If the latter, then the implication is they know better than their Maker--than God.
"I know life would be better as a blonde. People will like me more. Blonde hair fits with my features better. It brings out my eyes." Whatever.

Why don't I dye my hair?
In all honesty, because Asians tend to look stupid (and ugly) with anything other than dark hair. Platinum-blonde Asians scare the shit out of me.
But I used to think, "Because this is what God gave me! Black hair!"
Then I chopped most of it off and I absolutely love it!
If I wanted to be a purist, I might've thought, "Well, since God gave me hair, I'll keep it all and never cut it." Then again, hair too long can prevent one from performing other tasks that make the most of God's gifts. I dunno!


Do I still think hetero penetrative sex is unfair, boring and kinda gross?
A little... But as a "man", the thought is more like "If my tool can give a lady pleasure, then I'd be happy to have hetero penetrative sex with her. But there are other ways, too."
I guess it's very different being on the other end.
I still think it's unfair, unless she were into strap-on dildos and giving me butt sex.
Man, what would I think of that?!
Being a bottom, I'd completely melt. Even as a "man", I'm not thrilled with receiving. I still think receiving (personally) is selfish.

What do I think of male-male sex involving myself?
HOT. Seriously, gay men know how to have fun! Still not sure how I'd feel being penetrated.

Do I think being penetrated as a man is better or worse than as a female?
If I'm completely honest with myself, I think anal is a little gross. But, it is more fair and I think that fairness could win over the slight disgust.



...Well, the rest will have to wait until I've eaten lunch. Or, breakfast.

--Charlie
(possibly a bisexual man living in a woman's body!)