100

I've had some issues since this is the 100th post--I mean, I was hoping I'd have something brilliant to post, but I don't have anything particularly brilliant, and I've let that stop me for entirely too long now. So!

I've been having these issues with [who I am] and [how that relates to JM]. Because.... He has issues with my short hair and being mistaken as a guy (and thusly, we look like a gay male couple).

"Girlfriend"

I feel myself freaking out again. It's the word "girlfriend" that does it to me, I think. I really don't know why! It's just a word! "Just" a word, huh.

"Boyfriend" bugs me, too. Lover, sweetheart, my boy, my man...

These just have...images associated with them, and I don't enjoy those images. "Girlfriends" have always been this decorative creature hanging about boys' necks who are very dependent and cute but not terribly self-sufficient. And I notice that I tend that way when I think of myself as a "girlfriend". I'll get over it eventually, but in the meanwhile, I just need to get away from becoming that.


Publicity

That's another thing we've got bugging us: publicity.

I have short hair. I look like a guy--I'd guess maybe 90% of people on the street who see me think I'm a guy without a second thought, and 5% think I'm a guy and bother with a second thought. Maaaybe 5% think I'm a girl. Maybe.

So when I'm in public with JM... well, in all honesty, we were only in public for maybe two days in total, but MAN what two days!

A few incidents happened on the bus: people giggling and pointing; an old man who was outright hostile to gays ("Are you gay? You're holding hands... Michael Jackson was gay... he died..."); general snickers and odd looks; a few turned-heads when we walked down the street (IN THE GAY VILLAGE, OF ALL PLACES, but there was an event going on, so maybe there were more "foreigners").

JM has expressed his discomfort at this. It bothers him. Moreso, it bothers him that it bothers him. He doesn't understand why it bothers him so much. He said to me that he wants to get to the level of comfort that he can say, "This is Charlie, I fucking love her and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks."
(dated 5 Jul 09)

Montreal

I went to Montreal this weekend. AB and I stayed in the gay village, there's this fantastic bed and breakfast in the heart of it all; gorgeous. (The only thing that might make it better: JM.)

We went to Unity, which is a huge gay nightclub--two levels indoors (or is it three) and a terrace-type bar/smoke pit on the roof. There were also a lot of men (AB wanted more girls, who could blame her). There were *also* a lot of gay male couples.


Charlie

I've mentioned before, I'm sure, but there's a part of me that's definitely, undeniably masculine, and I'm suspecting there may be part of me that's actually, well, male.

Aside: Coursemates

Two of the girl coursemates think it's so sad that, at the age of 20, I'm confused about who I am. I guess it is sad, but no sadder than anything else, I think. I just wanted to put this out there while it's on my mind, because one of those girls is not worth my time.

I remember when I first came to Kingston and JM and I would chat for hours and we were under the agreement that four months is a LONG time and whatever happens, well, happens. I remember thinking he ought to find a man while I'm gone, because a gay man could give him more pleasure than I could (well, even if I were physically with JM).

And I wonder... What if tomorrow I woke up and I had a penis? What if tomorrow I woke up and my body was male? What would change? Anything? ... Well. JM's already seen me naked, so I guess some things would change. Aside from freaking out and wanting to get medical attention and figure out wtf just happened, if I decided this was a gift from God and wanted to stay in that body... then what? Some things would be different (penetration for one thing) but I'd also be able to practice what I'd do to him, on myself.

Aside from sex, what would change? Image...


JM, again

He's such a sweetie. He's an intellectual--which is awesome!--and he's not shy/introverted--which is so rare, he's definitely a keeper--which balances my social shyness and awkwardness quite well. He has some traditional/classical views, he's chivalrous (he bought me a dozen red roses when I went Home to visit for a week), but he's very, very open and comfortable about his sexuality and can be very forward.


...post abandoned


post from 5 Jul 09
Dream

I had this dream last night, and I've had it at home, too.

I'm walking with a friend (AB last night, and someone else the other time) through downtown at night, and we're trying to find a place or go somewhere. We end up in a building, it's very tall with lots of glass windows, glass automatic doors and escalators. There's also a lot of security: cameras, sensors, that sort of thing, because it's got some classified stuff inside.

My friend asks something like, "Are we there yet?" or "Where is it?" so I take lead and start navigating through the escalators (we're usually going downward) and automatic doors, careful of the security. Suddenly, an alarm goes off, and I book it to the outside, ground level. The dream ends when I'm outdoors.


Interpretations?

I'm not sure! When I hear that alarm, I panic and just bolt. I've always thought it was my friend who accidentally set off the alarm and I just want to get away from him/her and any trouble. Were we not supposed to go through that building? I'm not sure! Maybe.

I'm actually really not sure.


...post abandoned

Dreams

Dream

My brother K was giving me a ride somewhere, only he wasn't driving, we were sitting in the back of this mysteriously black-windowed car. He asked me the date. "It's the twenty third of January", I said. He asked if I knew what that meant. I knew it meant something, something sinister that might have to do with EVIL RUSSIANS, and he could tell I was becoming suspicious, so he suddenly tried to put me in a lock. I managed to get out, open the door, roll onto the street and run away to safety.

I remembered my dad's old office building, so I headed there. I needed the fifth floor, but to get the door to open on that floor, you needed a trick. There was someone in a parallel elevator, who was chasing after me and knew I was in the elevator, but didn't know the trick, so I got out while she tried to figure it out.

I ran into the old office, and put special locks on the doors to give me time to find something, anything, to help me and to figure out what was going on.

There was an old car, a special car with crazy technology. I grabbed some supplies and--then the dream switched genres--cast some buffs on myself. I was like a Gangrel in appearance, temper and animal lore, but I had different powers.

The Russian vampire baddies busted in while I was still preparing. I shouted (just like Erik in VTM: Redemption) "No!" and hurled myself out a window, casting a sort of mist-form spell. It turned me into an oily reddish vapour and I streaked away into the dusky sky!

"Damn," on of the baddies said. Let's call him El. He was subordinate to--let's call him--Gat. Gat told El not to worry, they'd have me soon. They just had to light these magical candles that would cause me to switch back to solid form from mist if I came near them.

Needing information, I decided to use a little-known trick to hide the red colour of my mist-form so that I'd be nearly invisible. I stole up to some Russian building where a meeting was happening, and switched back to solid form. On the lawn, I was nearly seen, so I dropped as low to the ground as possible and was about to switch form, when I noticed something in the grass.

Little red sparkles up ahead--I waited for the Russians to move away, then sneaked closer. Each marker, planted in the grass like a reflective marker to denote driveways from the road, had a number on it. Today was the 23rd, so I picked up the one that said 23. On it was written "International Trade Day", which "explained" the presence of the Russian vampires here. There was something magical about the item, that I couldn't figure out right then, so I pocketed it.

Using mist form, I recced the building, but found there were candles everywhere! I'd have to use a different form. Luckily, there were rats around, so I changed my form to mimic a rat, and stole inside.

I don't remember what happened inside, but after I accomplished something, I had to leave because I was getting low on blood and health.

I mist form -ed away.

There were these crazy wooden bridges that looped around and around. They were on the way to some Elder I had to see.

Unfortunately, El and some of his cronies were waiting on the bridge, and I hit one of the candles that burned me and forced me to take solid form. Darn, and I was low enough on blood that I couldn't cast it again.

Well, I still had my guile! As the candle notified guards, I hid on the underside of the wooden bridge, waiting for the first guards arrived. The first guard freaked out, and began talking with the next guards to arrive. While they were distracted, I grabbed the last guard, whose absence nobody noticed; and drank him until he fainted, but was still "alive".

Empowered, but not fully recovered, I began laying plans. I cast a small buff that let me sneak better and increase my senses. Then I hid and cast a shape-shift spell on the unconscious enemy so that he would look like me; then cast a berserker spell and finally a mist-form spell on him. Wild with berserker rage, his oily red mist form began streaking around the bridges, looping around and around them, and all the guards chased wildly after him.

I took this distraction to drain another guard, this time I drank him dry, and kicked his ashes into the water. Now I was at half-full blood.

The guards finally flagged down the berserked guard, and forced him back to solid form. When they saw my figure writing, they called over El. El believed this too easy, and wondered at "my" wild behaviour, since it was unlike my usual cool methodical manner. He spoke a word of command, dispelling any buffs on the guard.

At that moment, I resumed mist form and zipped away across the waters.

I had just discovered: El and Gat weren't the only ones looking for me. Kat and Ban were on me, too.

El cursed, but Kat and Ban looked on my mist form and muttered how I was clever, but would be caught. They also mentioned a property of an Item their Head Vampire (let's call her Val) had: it would allow its bearer access to water--to gain control of water--and had such devious uses as underwater breathing, walking on water, swimming in water without leaving a ripple, calling forth water fountains, etc.

I had overheard just snippets of their conversation when I realized the guard had been flagged down and decided to leave.


Over on the other side of the water, I touched down, weak from the exertion. My health was still low, but I had a bit of blood left. However, dawn was coming, and I'd need a place to rest.

I found an abandoned structure on the sandy beach, and headed for it.

I was so weak from my journey that I could barely stumble into the shadows as the sun began creeping up. I found some old plastic boxes that looked like they could provide shelter if I could just dig a bit of a hole. I fell to my knees and began moving aside the rubble so I could scrape at the sand. Two ravens hopped out of one of the discarded boxes.

I had on a charm that would make me appear as an animal to animals. Some wiser animals could tell I wasn't, and even wiser animals could see right through it. I wasn't thinking about that, though.

The ravens were oracles and shamans. One was visibly older and female, the other was a young male, her apprentice.

They asked me what I was doing. I told them in an off-hand way I was digging a place to rest for the day, after a long and tiring journey. The old raven nodded and told her apprentice to help. He objected, saying it there was no gain in helping a tired badger and they should just eat me and be done with it. The old raven silenced him and commanded him to help, and he obeyed.

I was grateful for the help. As we dug, I hit a black object. Curiosity overcoming my fatigue, I brushed the sand around it away. It was a figurine of a crow. The old raven hopped nearer to see.

"It is old," I said, "and I do not recognize it."

"This is a great portent," she said. She inspected it closer, then nodded deeply.

"It is yours if you want it," I offered.

"No, it is for you. It has told me I am to leave my blessing upon it and it will go with you on--your journey."

I was surprised she knew. I hadn't meant to lie or obscure the truth, just to simplify my story for this stranger. She looked at me understandingly--no need to apologise, it was allright. I thanked her, and we completed my resting hide.

"Will you be here when the sun goes down?" I asked.

"No," she said, "but you have my blessing, and this artefact will aid you."

I was too tired to inquire about the small statuette, so I merely nodded in thanks.

"You will not be able to say our names, nor we yours, so you may call me Pecan and I will call you--"

And that's when I woke up!

I don't know what to make of this...

ALSO, I had another dream prior, which involved my whole Driver course, but we were defending the Armoury--which became a great grey stone castle--from its parapets--which had trenches in them--from some sort of enemy! I and my fireteam partner, RP, blew up a big bunch of baddies, but I hurt my leg in the process, then DW hopped over to see how we were doing, and RP explained what happened. DW said he just blew up some other baddies and was off to blow up more and could've used a hand, but that RP should get me to safety first.

Whaaaa?

Dang! That was a few nights ago. And yesterday, I saw DW at the gym working out. Great guy he is.



Off to see my kids!
--Charlie

Today

Ugh

So, first off, I'm going for my military driver license. This means I'm on course again, yay!

There's this guy from our unit, whom I'd never seen until the start of Driver. Turns out, he farts a lot, and they stink, seriously stink. Seriously. But, whatever, we all have our quirks and I'm sure he's got virtues, too somewhere.

But something weird's happened.

We're now on the second day of Driver. Today was a lot of standing in front of LSVWs, and this guy, we'll call him Fred, kept touching me. I mean things like using my shoulder as an arm rest, nudging me; and he kept staring at me! It was... unnerving (his eyes are too close together and it makes him look a bit cross eyed).

And, we had a break, and I went to the washroom and when I came back, some guys were in one truck and Fred was in the other. I went to talk to the other guys, and they mentioned with an expectant smirk how "lonely" Fred was "all by himself" in the other LS and that maybe I should go keep him company. "I think I'm gonna...not do that," I said and walked away.

Then, after dismissal today, he just strolled up to my locker, which is at the end of our hall and really, there's nothing else important there so he was definitely coming over to see me. He said Hi or something and I returned it with a very confused tone. I dont' think he said anything else, or else it was unmemorable, but he stared and seemed like he was getting ready to say something, but then he just turned around and left. What the hell?!


That kinda reminds me, though...


Dream

I had a dream this morning. I was a male gymnast and on television, I think. Except, it was live. I did some fancy moves and made commentary on them.

Then I explained stretches and ways to relax to the viewers. I did an impressive handstand and then came down and explained how I usually needed to unwind after handstands. Then, my wife or ex-wife or long-time girlfriend appeared and began to stroke my shoulders and arms, and I just melted. It felt amazing, my body just began to shut down and drift.

"Mm," I said to my audience, "but this works, too."

I sat back upright and did a few more impressive moves, and when I finished them, again, she would stroke my shoulders, back, arms; and again I would instantly relax. I began to lay on the ground--and now it was the carpet in the living room--and she ran her hands down the front of my sculpted chest and back up my shoulders.

"Okay, and that's enough for today, good bye, folks!"

And the show ended, and I kissed and stroked her. She had freckles on her arms that seemed to glitter, like they were flakes of crystalline amber or something! Unreal, but pleasant in my dream. Everything just felt so...right, so good, so destined maybe.

I ended up laying in her lap and she just ran her hands lightly over my upper body. It was amazing.


Then I woke up to my angry clock alarm. Boo.

--Charlie!

Dreams and Leaving

Dreams

I had a very strange dream about Kevin today/last night. I'll try to summarize it.

We were going for a walk at night, kinda romantic and stuff. I'd been thinking about other people and how he'd never been with anyone else before. So I stopped suddenly and asked him, "How would you describe our relationship?"

I think he paused and eventually said something to the effect of "friendly with a possible romantic interest?"

I laughed, punched him in the arm (in playfulness!) and agreed. We talked about our "relationship", and I eventually said, "Let's have an open relationship" or something.

Later, we met these two or three girls; I think it was on the bus. One of them was based on a co-worker, and another was some pretty girl. The pretty girl was sitting across from us. For some reason, it was made known to everyone that she was interested in dating Kevin. I said, "Well, she's pretty," and she got upset. "Oh, sure, I'm 'pretty', that's all I am, isn't it? Well what do you know!" sort of thing.

The other girl, let's call her Cat, was in front of us, and she kept making eyes at Kevin. I thought it might be interesting to watch, so I scooted over a seat and let her sit beside him.

She's one of those attention-grabbers. She loves attention. She'll speak esoterically and I think the only reason she's interested in some things is for bragging or the sake of being "interesting".

I remember getting sick of her very quickly. But, of course, Kevin liked having this kind of attention paid to him, and found the girl interesting enough, and I was the one who suggested we "open things up a bit", so I held.

It got irritating pretty fast!

I'm not sure exactly how, but I think we all camped or somehow stayed at some house for the night. We took turns "sharing" Kevin. I taught him how to cook and we went for a walk (or something); and she put on a movie and taught him how to cuddle and make out. I was furious.

Actually, I was jealous. I was very vividly jealous. I'd never been jealous like that before--either in real life or dreams.

I'm not sure that it ever ended up getting resolved; I don't remember. But I remember that jealousy cutting into me, like a red-hot fire poker. So I guess the moral of the story is: If I want to have an open relationship with Kevin, I should prepare to be jealous.

Hah!


BMQ/SQ

I've never been away from home and family for two months before. I think the longest was one month, but even then, I was with my eldest brother in Germany.

In less than two weeks, I'll be away for my BMQ/SQ, with no family there. Just me. Me and my thoughts; me and my habits and idiosyncrasies and quirks. And those will slow me down, until I drop them and grow into a soldier--until they remake me in their image.

But, I'm also learning very useful skills--I'll even get my First Aid qualification, which is always great on a resume--and getting paid to learn.

I'm saying "bye" to a lot of friends before leaving. It feels weird. It's only two months. I've gone longer without seeing them, before. Do I want to feel special this time? Maybe. I think I want to be comforted. Strange.


--Charlie!

Dreams and People!

So, the principal of the Maths school, Daniel, is someone I find to be very authoritative or powerful, but also easy-going.

My "boss" in the Army, MCpl E--, has lately been pretty good to us. At least, I can tell she's a good instructor and she cares for our well-being. When we went outside and K-- had no gloves, MCpl gave her some, explaining about her own "supervisor" who had the her marching while carrying equipment and wearing many layers; and then stopping to rest, where she'd sweat and take off her layers; then marching again, so she had to put everything back on--her instructor didn't realize she got hypothermia this way. Last week, F-- and I asked her questions and she gave us on-the-spot lessons and plenty of stories. I'm thankful someone like her is in charge of us. She's also a self-proclaimed bitch; very mean and nasty at times, but not unnecessarily--to us, at least; to others, maybe--I think.

I had a dream earlier today, and these impressions featured prominently.


Dreams

I was a student of magic.

My "headmaster" (I guess; it was someone I'd have to report to; to show my progress to) bore MCpl E--'s personality. She was strict, but cared about my well-being and when I had questions or wanted an explanation, if she could or had time, she'd give me fantastic explanations.

To train in magic, I went to a sort of gymnasium. I'd sign in, and if one of the instructors was available, I'd have the option of training under hir.

There were two instructors I mainly dealt with:
"Ian", a young man who looked like "The Neighbour" in Flaky Pastry, was very friendly and encouraging, but also very, very strict when someone messed up; and
"Than", a man who was extremely powerful and controlled, but also very easy-going and friendly (like Daniel!).

And sometimes my "headmaster" would also be my instructor, I think.

Anyway.

At first, I only trained under Ian, because he was so friendly and I didn't know anyone else.

One day, I had spare time, so I decided to go to the gym. I saw Ian was buy training someone else. She was slightly older than me; blonde; and at a different level than me. I overheard her talking with the "headmaster", saying things like, "So, I hear you'd like to do [this exercise]. Do you think you're up for it?" She'd affirm. "Well. Remember to wrap a bandage [just a strip of fabric] around your right hand. When you catch the [flying thing], you will have to drink the blood--raw creature blood, do you understand?" She affirmed. "Good for you. Off with you now!"

I later asked the "headmaster" about her. She explained not to worry about this girl; that she was "in a completely different league of magic than" me. I wondered what she meant. As I went to sign in for training, I glimpsed the recommended training schedules and saw an exercise that looked like it might be the one the girl was going on.

The clerk gave a polite cough, and I looked back at him. He wanted to know if I would train under an instructor today. I told him I didn't know anyone else so I'd just train alone. He looked doubtful (I had never trained alone before, but I had an idea what to do). He said, if I changed my mind, in their spare time, instructors generally circulated the gym, supervising; or one would be at a help desk. I thanked him dismissively and finished signing in.

In the change room, I put on different clothes. I think it was actually a sporty tank-top like I usually wear to the gym. I also put on gloves that let my fingers through; and I think I had a belt with various magical implements hanging from it.

Anyway, I entered the gym and did chin-ups or something. Then I went to do target-practice with a stationary target. I think I was failing at this.

Than, the instructor, came along and watched me missing horribly. I think I may have struck someone in the other lane by mistake. He put his had on my shoulder and spun me around. I forget what he said, but he eventually offered to train me. It seemed rude to refuse, and he seemed very wise or knowledgeable; to refuse would be dumb; so I accepted.

He took me to a slightly detached court; it was filled with walls like bookshelves in a library; stalls. He explained the exercise: He would throw an object, and it would land somewhere (on the shelves, in the aisles, on top of shelves, whatever), and I'd have to find it and throw it back to him. I asked how this was to improve my aim with firing spells, but he told me just to do it. I could return the item to him any way I wanted, and so long as he didn't have to exert himself to receive it, it would be considered successful.

I nodded (shrugged inwardly--how hard could this be?) and we began.

The first thing he threw was shaped like a glove. When I looked at his stance, I expected the glove to fly straight the way normal objects go when thrown. He threw it; it spiraled out away from him. I followed it with my eyes, unbelieving, and waited for it to land. It landed at the farthest shelf. I started to walk toward the shelf directly, but found myself walking in a similar spiral. I looked toward Than, but he remained expressionless and did not acknowledge me. I rolled my eyes and continued, trying to walk directly to the glove and failing miserably as I spiraled outward. Eventually, I reached it.

Now, how to return it? If I threw it, would it spiral out again? I could try a teleportation spell, but I had never done one successfully (not to mention, unsupervised) before. I could throw it to him, but given my horrible aim with magic, perhaps I would miss entirely and have to retrieve it all over again? I decided it would be safest to walk. I took a step forward; the room shifted to my left. Another step--left again. Another step--left again! This was going to be frustrating. I took a step to the right, hoping to counteract the turning. Nothing happened. Right again--nothing. I quickly checked my progress and position; I groaned. I had reached the end of the field and was walking away from Than.

I turned myself around to face him. I told myself, "I am walking toward Than. I am traveling the most efficient path toward him," as I began walking forward and the room spun about me. "I am walking toward Than. I m traveling the most efficient path toward him. I am walking toward Than..." Somehow, I made it. He did not move until I extended the glove to him, and he lifted his upturned palm. I placed it on his hand, and he came to life again.

His face lit up with an analytical smile.

"Not bad," he said. He waved his hand, and comfortable seats appeared behind us both. "Sit," he commanded. We sat.

He explained to me that this glove warped straight lines and direct paths. To go try going against the new paths it carved would have trapped me had I continued. The trick, as I had wagered, was to walk in a straight line, determined to reach a certain destination. And I had succeeded! Granted, he said, I should have known this from my books.

I looked shocked. Books? No one had ever told me about these books!

He looked worried. And then he sighed. He'd teach me about these magical items.

The rest of the time, he spent on the same type of exercise: throwing items and having me retrieve them; but he'd explain different properties these items had. He also explained his primary power: he could draw objects toward himself; more generally, he had profound telekinesis. But specifically, he could draw anything toward him, and any struggle against it would be helpless. I volunteered that it was like the glove. He laughed. He had invented that glove. I must have looked shocked; he must be much older than he appears. He seemed to affirm this with a slight smile.

He produced a marvelous clear amber stone; inside, a million crevasses raced to the centre, where a single black bead rested. He explained how he created this from the black bead and a misshapen lump of amber.

I asked if it had magical properties. It did. That black bead used to be a very rare and potent ingredient in catastrophic magics. Using just a shaving from this bead in certain spells could rend kilometers. I asked about the entire bead. He nodded gravely. Using the entire bead in a similar spell could undo the galaxy, in turn affecting the entire universe.

"What is it?" I asked.

"This bead," he said, "was a portal to nothingness." He didn't explain further, but I gathered that it was like a black hole, that could suck anything into itself. I left it at that.

"What does the amber do?"

"The amber is a nullifier. When you liquefy solid amber, and cover a magical item, the item's magic cannot penetrate the amber."

"Is that why some shields are studded with amber?" He nodded.

I looked again at the eye-like gem and wondered about the cracks. He smiled.

"I didn't liquefy this amber," he said.

"Why not?" This seemed obvious, if his greatest power was moving objects, but he explained further.

"When you liquefy something, it loses a little of its potency. When I found this bead, I had very little amber with me, and could not afford to lose that potency." He drew from somewhere a tiny lump of amber. He positioned it in his palm. "I held the bead and the amber together in my hand," he demonstrated, "and willed the amber to surround the bead." The lump of amber crackled and came together into a perfect sphere with little facets running toward the centre.

He dropped the sphere in my hand. "Here you go. It is very potent as a sphere. It would make a good ring, pendant or decoration for your hair. If you bring it to a metalworker, be sure that no more than half the sphere is coated in metal. Do not let anything pierce the sphere, or it will lose potency."

I pocketed the sphere. He spent the remainder of the "class" discussing the properties of various stones.

There were two types of stone that looked similar, but had very different properties. One stone, let's call it "Eb", provided greater control when combined with magical items. Another similar-looking stone, "Ob", had various destructive effects to the item. Ob was often used in decay spells. Both had a golden sheen, like amber, but easily distinguished by its wonderful clearness.

I had one last question for him.

"When did you realize you had a specialty?"

He frowned a little. "Probably just a little older than you," he said.

I had to ask another question.

"Does everybody have a specialty?"

He smiled a little. "Everybody has a specialty, whether they know it or not; whether it's potent or not; whether it's unique or not. Everyone." He glanced at his watch and then dismissed me.

I'm not sure what happened in between, but the next part of the dream I remember clearly took place after I had combined a portal seashell with Ob, mistaking it for Eb, and used the portal to save some endangered world that had gotten a hold of a piece of Black Bead or something.

There was a meeting involving the "headmaster", Ian, Than, and the headmaster's "boss" or something. They were discussing where the portal shell had gone; someone discovered I'd taken it (I had found it on the ground somewhere, not realizing someone had in fact dropped it there by accident) and realized what it was. Someone cried out from shell, and when I placed my ear to it, sie told me about the catastrophic troubles, so I had to help. I realized I didn't know how to use the teleportation spell, so I searched for some Eb and when I had found what I thought was Eb, I liquefied it and set it around the shell. I then gathered some more spell components before using the seashell's teleporation spell.

The rest is a bit of a blur.

The "headmaster" and company actually turned out to be employed by some evil guy who wanted to kill off everyone in that world so that he could harvest all those delicious spell components for himself. I'm not sure if Than was a goodguy or badguy. I hope he was a goodguy.

Throughout my adventures in that new world, I discovered two talents: a naturally affinity with healing magic, and the ability to absorb magic. I think that's what made me a good healer--there was so much green, growing life that I must have been absorbing it and distributing it.

What I didn't realize was that the Ob I had mistaken for Eb had an effect on the seashell portal: it prevented anywhere that I went with the seashell to be accessible by teleport. This prevented the badguys from teleporting directly to anywhere we had been, or somewhere very close to me and this crew I was leading to safety; but it also meant I could not teleport home if I held onto the shell.

I'm not sure if I realized this.

The big baddie sent goons after me, to teleport near the first place I had been, and track me from there. The Ob mineral also left a trail of decay that some of the minions could follow very easily. I think our rear guard had just spotted some baddies before I woke up.


I also have a faint memory of attacking small watery beasts with a cleaver in Kevin's house. I'm not sure if that fit into the same dream.

And that's all I got for now!

I'm going to Kevin's place later tonight; we'll figure something to do.

--Charlie!

Weirder dreams!

Dreams (again)

I dreamt that my close friend, Mark, and I were suddenly making out. It was crazily good, too, instead of him just doing whatever he wanted. I think we had paused to take a breather--we were outside, btw--and suddenly, he fell backwards!

Oh, and he had told me something about how when he was a kid, he got Viral Something (I think he said pneumonia) and it spread to the barley crop but then the barley became resistant or something like that.

When he fell backwards, he hit his head on something hard. He lost all his memory up to the point where he was a kid and got that Viral Something. I had no idea what to do, so I called his best friend on his cell phone. When his friend arrived, we were both in tears; he couldn't even speak. Mark was delirious and talking about how to get him to the barley fields so he could infect them and save future crops or something.

Well, Mark didn't get better. I went with him to the hospital, and for some reason, he stayed with me afterward (or I stayed to take care of him, in my house?). He started seeing a psychologist to get his memories back and snap him out of his delusions, but it didn't seem to help. I realized that he still hadn't heard from his best friend in a long time, so I decided I'd call him and put him on the phone to Mark.

It was a miracle! After hearing his voice, Mark snapped right back, and the two started crying with joy! His friend arrived at the door shortly, and the two of them began making out. I think the dream ended with the two of them driving off into the sunset together.


Interpretation?

I need to not be jealous of Mark and his best friend.

...more later...

Checklist and Dream

I want to make a checklist of things never to do as a teacher. The first item on it will be: "End a sentence with 'Right?'" I wonder how obvious is my inspiration.

Never:

• End a sentence with, "Right?"
  
• Ignore advice or suggestions.
  
• Think I know everything.
  
• Think I don't need help doing anything ever.
  
• Touch a whiteboard with my skin.
  
• Lie.
  
• Be half-assed.
  
• Not have a lesson-plan.
  
• Use someone else's lesson plan without going over it beforehand.
  
• Ask if material is either too easy or too hard.
  
• Talk loudly when frustrated.
  

Avoid:

• Talking about teaching when students are nearby and still.
  
• Silencing students--especially when it's not affecting the entire class.
  
• Treating everything as though within my power.
  
• Treating everything as though out of my power.
  
• Talking just outside the classroom door as though it were private.
  

Endeavour to:

• Be available.
  
• Be responsive; quick to respond.
  
• Be helpful.
  
• Be enthused (no problem there!)
  
• Use many methods.
  

I had a dream this morning

I had a dream this morning, about someone from "long-ago". I've blogged about him all over the place, always trying not to use his real name, so I guess I'll do that again. Let's call him Lexus, because he's luxurious in a sort of way.

Backstory:

When highschool started for us, Lexus came to our school for Grade Nine Math although he was in grade eight; and for the rest of my highschool career, it was that way. In grade nine, though, everyone called him smelly and a grade-eight-er and a show-off; and it was mostly true.

From what I've gathered: he played chess competitively until about two years ago; was a lifeguard; was very athletic, being on volleyball and curling teams; played baseball in the summer; had terrible communication skills; liked to be well-read; had an amazing imagination / ability of imaging; and, of course, was fantastic at Math.

Around grade eleven, he joined the school choir, and this is probably when I first noticed him.

I mean, during the annual Jazz festival, I had taken a photo of him sleeping on the bus; and I had already noticed that he played trumpet in a very precise manner and as though there were something very funny--a sarcastic "inside-joke"--to his precision. But I had never paid much attention to him until he joined the choir.

Being one of the few male voices, his seat was near the back, and it happened that he stood almost directly behind me. His voice had the same sarcastic timbre as his trumpet-playing, and Chris once had to point out to Lexus that it isn't by forcing that you sing lower and better tones!

So, I heard his voice more. And I also saw him more (though I'd seen him in Grade Ten Pre-Calculus), and through this, came to be infatuated.

Then, in my graduating year, there was a slight problem in my schedule. Because of the courses I wanted, I was forced to take Pre-Calc before Calculus. Of course, my previous grades and having a father who teaches Math (badly) once a week quickly convinced Admin that this would not be a problem. It so happened that Lexus had the same happen to him.

We took Calculus together, then; and somehow, the three of us with this scheduling conflict sat mostly alone on the same side of the class (it was a small class, about fifteen).

Obviously, he began to mean something to me; I noticed and fell in love with details of him--the way his hair made his eyes sharper; the curve of his nose; the way his facial hair started simply as fuzz on his chin.

I also started a graphic journal, because I wanted to capture details. Fridays were our treat-days, where we all took turns bringing treats. One day, we had chocolate pudding--or maybe Lexus just brought his own, I forget--and he spilled some on his bright yellow shirt. I heard a slight commotion, and turned to see; he and lifted his shirt to his mouth to clean it off; and, lest I be obvious, I had to turn back, when I saw his abs.

I eventually wrote a journal entry, which turned out to be a poem:

Math and Symbols

I'll be sitting in class, and you'll
be behind me, where I can't
mentally undress you.

Not
that it stops me from trying, but
it would be so much more satisfying,
I think,
if I could stare at your body. Or
at your face while you
puzzle over a new problem.

I love that expression on your face:

It's not quite "relaxed",
it's not quite "intense",
but it's almost
pouty,
as though all the
muscles in your face just went dead
and limp like
your entire being
is focused on the problem
and you can't spare the energy to look
awake.

You make me want to shout and sing and
write bad poetry,
but I don't feel words can actually
articulate all that I want
to express.

I want
to write it out in large and esoteric
math and symbols:

"YOU ARE THE LIGHT OF MY MIND, YOU INSPIRE
AND CHALLENGE ME, YOU KEEP ME BURNING, AND
ALSO, YOU ARE GOOD-LOOKING."

But I wonder
what you would think of that,
and, if I gave you that
paper with my heart translated
into math and symbols,
would you find me odd,
and then not
be the same person you
were
in my head?

Eventually, I realized someone was going to notice the way I couldn't even look his direction with a straight face.

I wrote him a letter to a similar effect as the journal entry, mostly pointing out that I found him attractive (mentioning a few to show I was serious); that I just had to tell him because I didn't want rumours; that if he had a significant other, I didn't mean to interfere; that if I was being too bold, he should let me know, because, "since when are you afraid of girls?"

This was pretty disastrous, but not at first.

It was entirely my fault, because he didn't send any sort of reply, and I ruined the whole thing a few days later by first giving him a "secret" note telling him I'd phone tonight, and then phoning.

When I'd been put through to him, he said slowly that he was going to tell me that tonight wouldn't be a good night to call. It was then that I learned he had a girlfriend; and my lack of response betrayed my expectations. I think I managed to say, "Oh," and, after a pause, "Have fun with that". I forget what happened immediately after, but we eventually hung up and nothing was much changed, save that I couldn't look his direction for embarrassment instead of infatuation.

I'm not sure what happened after I graduated. In University, I heard short second-hand stories about how he had a girlfriend, and such-and-such happened to them, so now such-and-such took place. I visited the highschool once--a class he took, too. He made a point of announcing something about his girlfriend--but, at this time, I was dating James anyway.

I've heard from someone he used to play chess against, that perhaps he's now in the University of Waterloo, and wouldn't doubt it, with his brain.

The Dream

The dream was confusing, and I remember only to parts. The first part, there was Lexus, James, some others, and me; and we were at some sort of social gathering; and, for some reason, I had to keep it unknown to James that I had a thing for Lexus; and Lexus was making that very difficult, because he flaunted all the things I'd adored. Somehow, the topic turned to hair and sideburns--not quite sideburns, but the hair that grows over top your ears--and I'd called Lexus a hypocrite because he had that, too; and I'd grabbed him by that hair and I think I kissed him.

The other part was after the party, when Lexus and I were alone for some reason. And I remember thinking to myself, "You're not real, and if you kiss me, it won't feel real--I won't be able to feel your lips, your heat, your movement--and I must really stop imagining you." And hen he kissed me, and it felt entirely real--texture, heat, motion and all. And then he asked me if I wanted him to stop being real, and I don't remember what happened next.

Eventually I awoke, very confused because my mind, body, heart and spirit were all pulling in opposing directions so that even inaction fell into one of them.

I'm not sure what to make of the dream. This is the second dream I've had where someone I either love or am in love with has asked me whether it would be okay to be romantic. If anything, this should be a symbol or warning of my own indecision; but it doesn't help that I know not where to go.


I'm not going to let it worry me too much yet. More urgent is:

Tuesday 09:00 - Fitness test

Wednesday 10:00 - get Army gear!

Friday 18:00 - my "birthday party"!

Adieu!
--Charissa

Dreams

Around spring this year (2007), I noticed I wasn't feeling the same. I felt normal, but, somehow, less something, and consistently so. So I went to the doctor, and was prescribed thyroid hormone.

One of the strangest "side effects" happened to me: lucid dreaming.

I'd wake up in the morning, not knowing what to think anymore. When my dream-experiences contradict my waking paradigm--which they often do--then I'm left totally confused, because my dream-experiences feel so valid!

Most notably, I've had ponderous remarkable dreams about James.


Backstory

James and I met in Honours Calculus last September, and we got along quite easily. We started dating in December, and it was totally awesome geek-love, complete with writing geeky love notes to eachother. This was actually during my coming-out as "curly", for the first time, to close friends. James didn't mind, though, because he had a close friend, Kay, who identified as a lesbian.

Spring rolled around, and the school year was ending. I had noticed that James was beginning to withdraw, and perhaps actively hold something back from me; but his silences had always confused me, and I wondered if it was just nothing. On the last day of school before exams, we talked, and he told me he had developed feelings for another girl. We decided to take a break; especially with exams coming up and the school year ending; and we'd talk more about this after some time apart.

About a week later, we decided we'd be friends from now on.

We kept in touch a little, mostly through e-mail, though we met on occasion over the summer. He and Kay started going out. It was a little amusing for me to wonder--because she had thought I was attractive, and James and I were dating, and I'm bisexual--about all sorts of possibilities.

And over the summer, James was planning on moving into the city with Kay.


The First Dream

The first dream I had was terribly confusing; mostly because I'm not sure if it was me leading the dream, or otherwise.

I'm not sure by what circumstance, but James and I were talking in the dream. I think we were doing something romantic. Suddenly, I stopped, and I asked something about Kay.

James does this thing with his posture sometimes, like closing up; and I've come to interpret it as a sign he's sad, distressed, scared. He did that, in the dream, and I asked him what was going on. He explained something about Kay, though I don't remember what, and I got the sense he was worried, but also hurt or offended or outraged and something like he wanted to do something about it but couldn't, or didn't know what.

A few months later, I visited James at his new address in the city. After some general chatting, I asked where Kay was; and he explained that her parents were not permitting her to either move out of her house, or into this one. And he did the same thing he did in my dream--the closing up--and I got the same readings from him.


The Second Dream

After hearing about Kay, I was even more rattled about the dream, because it had started off with a very close and probably romantic feeling between me and James. I don't know what to make of this, but the second dream was almost entirely romantic.

In this dream, James and I were swimming, not just in a beach, but something that seemed farther, larger and deeper. It reminded me of Venice: salty ocean water.

I don't even remember all the details, and there are some I don't want to mention; but we kissed, and there was a time he asked if this was okay--because of this, that and the other thing--and I said yes, so we kissed again.

Well, I guess it wasn't okay, because I woke myself up immediately; and I was frightened and bewildered.


Charissa probably thinks too much

I don't know what to make of these dreams.

Probably the most likely explanation is that, if these dreams mean something true about James, they mean that James still has affections for me (as I do for him), but we simply cannot do anything about them because of the choices we've made and the lives and responsibilities we have now.

Or, I'm simply projecting what I want, and just happened to be right about Kay being in some sort of trouble that affected James in a very predictable way.

I wonder how much of the first dream was meaningful, though, and if the relevance of one dream is an indication of the relevance of all other dreams--ie, if one dream came true, maybe all my dreams can come true.


With my birthday party coming up, I'm wondering whether or not to invite James. I mean, I want to, because I still want to be friends with him, but he still affects me too deeply, maybe--too deeply to know if it's real.

I'm going to try meditating tonight.
--Charissa