Wax

My life has been ENTIRELY TOO INTERESTING lately, but I took a break today. And this is all I want to talk about:

Brazilian Wax

So, the first time I had a Brazilian wax was this summer while training in Kingston, ON. I went to an Aveda spa, can't remember which, and had this fantastic aesthetician work her magic on my twat (yeah, what is it about me and aestheticians?).

Then, this past October, I went to Calgary to visit friends and family. We wanted to go swimming, and I realised I'd been neglecting my kitty. I picked up some Parissa Hot Wax from the drugstore and took it to the place I was staying. Unfortunately, I was staying with my brothers, so I sneaked into the kitchen late at night, heated the wax over the stove, sneaked back to the bathroom, waxed myself, and when the wax would harden, I'd sneak back to the kitchen and repeat.

It was TERRIBLE. I guess this is why spas play relaxing music.

I had wanted to wax my armpits and give myself a full Brazilian... On my first application, I scalded my armpit skin, and applied the wax too thin, so it didn't come off entirely! It was terribly awkward!

Then I was brave or foolish enough to try my kitty. I didn't get very far. I tried maybe two applications before I couldn't bear the pain anymore. Unfortunately, I'd gotten some of the wax stuck in the other hairs, so had to pull those out by hand just so I didn't have green wax stuck to my pubes!

Overall, my first attempt with self- hot waxing was an utter failure.


However, anything that I'll try once, I'll usually try twice.

Today I felt rather adventurous, and attempted again. I had the kitchen all to myself, with no parents or siblings around. This time, I let the wax cool until about the consistency of honey before applying to my armpits. Worked like a charm. I completed both armpits with minimal resistance.

Then, I felt adventurous. I stripped further.

I guess I was more relaxed this time (and warmer, too!) so my bikini line went without much resistance, either. I felt more adventurous.

I'll admit, it felt weird putting a warm liquid substance on my twat and trying to convince myself it wasn't sexual. I did the whole procedure standing up, one leg on the kitchen counter, sometimes using one hand to pull on my butt or lips.

My labia were a little awkward. But, honestly, hot wax feels just.... Ooh, warm and wonderful on my twat. Just... Once when I was holding my lips apart, my grip slipped and my lips closed, the warm wax touching my clitoral hood. My reaction:
1. Oh, oh wow that feels nice;
2. Oh shit, that's going to hurt pulling off.

Fortunately, (and for WHATEVER REASON) the wax didn't stick, and came off easily. Yeah. Okay, enough of that.

Waxing my asscrack was a also awkward. I kept feeling around to make sure I'd gotten it all. I doubted myself once, and waxed the area again. Unfortunately, I slipped again, and my butt cheeks sandwiched the wax between them. That was difficult to remove.

At the very end, I still had maybe a half centimetre of wax left, so I decided to wax my legs, just to see what would happen (I've never waxed or shaved my legs, since the little hair I have there is also very fine). The wax was too thin sometimes and left little bits on my legs. Other than that, it would have been fine.


All in all, not a bad experience. For eight bucks, I waxed my armpits, my entire kitty, and patches of my legs. I'd definitely do this again.

Final note: if I ever decide to wax my face, I would DEFINITELY use a different wax. The popsicle-stick wooden applicators are just too clunky to get my eyebrows.

--Charlie

Opinions

So it turns out I have some weird ideas about my image as a woman, and I never knew I had these ideas! One of them I had mentioned before: Hetero penetrative sex.

Charlie on Pregnancy (personally)

Right now, I can't see myself having children--in the future, even. Sure, aside from being beautiful and wonderful, there's probably a lot of fulfillment and pride and other great things... But me--Charlie--pregnant? I feel that would only propagate the idea that women are factories for creating more humans.

People see pregnant women all the time and--though maybe this is a bit of a stretch--the sight of a pregnant woman causes people to stop and think about pregnancy and creation of new humans. I think it's MUCH more rare for someone to see a non-pregnant woman and think, "Oh look, there's a woman who isn't pregnant!" and think about women and how they could be non-pregnant.

Another thing: in a couple joined in civil union, there's an expectation to have a child--by birth or adoption, or what have you, but there's a cultural expectation, I think. And if a couple goes long enough without children, the norm is to ask, "Are they infertile?" "Don't they want kids?" "What's wrong with them?"

Whenever that question--"What's WRONG with them?"--is asked, there is usually a lot of assumption going on. Here the assumption is: it is normal to have children, it is normal to want to have children. Thus, a couple that has not conceived must have either some physical defect, or some mental defect for not wanting to procreate.

So, by becoming pregnant, I further the image and idea of women as carriers of new humans; and further the normality and expectancy of pregnancy in women. So.... Charlie won't be pregnant--at least, for a LONG time!


Charlie on Hetero Penetrative Sex (HPS)

HPS is gross and unfair. As a woman, there is no sex organ (long enough) I can use to penetrate--invade the internal space of--a man's orifice(s). As a woman, I cannot derive the same physicality of pleasure that a man can derive, by sticking a body part into someone else.

There is an invasion of personal space--even if there is consent, in HPS, I as a woman would be receiving the (repeated) entry of another person into the confines of my body.

I guess I want to "level the playing field". There is this sex toy I've seen, the Feeldoe (http://images.google.ca/images?q=feeldoe), used for girl-on-girl penetrative sex. One end goes into the vagina of the penetrating woman, who holds it in place with her muscles. There are little nubbies that ride along her clit (which is the female analogue to the male's head of the penis). The other end goes into the woman to be penetrated, like a penis would in HPS. I like this idea--especially about stimulating the clit, because it simulates (maybe) the feeling of penetration--ie, the nubbies on the clit imitates the sensation that the head of the penis gets from being inserted and withdrawn repeatedly.

Woots.



Thoughts

I used to be mysterious. I used to be so involved in myself that I didn't care about anyone else--and people were drawn to me! I guess I started taking that for granted, because I'm beginning to lose more of myself to others. Well, I was worried I had, but maybe that worry isn't as justified now as it was then.

I used to be such a Scorpio. I don't mind Scorp--except for the crazy sex drive. It drives me nuts sometimes and I need to keep it in check.

But now? I don't know what's happened. After the Summer of Eric, I deconstructed myself and tried to start anew. I don't know how much I rebuilt after tearing down, but it seems to have held so far. I'm a bit wary right now, though, that perhaps the foundation was less sound than I'd thought. It's always hard to.....remake oneself, since we are continually adding new bits, and perhaps even losing old bits.


So, this guy...

So this guy, he's an interesting fellow, something like Neek, but more...compassionate. Neek is a justified asshole. SW is.... he cares.

Hah, I'd mentioned to SW... There's a scene in Heroes where Peter meets Matt for the first time, and Matt tries to read Peter's mind, but Peter starts mimicking his ability and there's this feedback sound like you get with mics. I imagine that's what SW meeting Neek would be like!


SW

I dunno! I've already told him I like him; and he's said he likes me at least a bit more than as a friend... But he doesn't want to get into a relationship until he sorts some stuff out--which I think is noble and honest of him.

But... I dunno?

I feel very comfortable with him--which is good and bad. I trust him entirely too much for not knowing him. And, I guess this is where the "mysterious Charlie" thoughts come in--like, I used to be him. It's pretty freaky. Had I decided that [things] were important to me and decided to pursue them, I might have turned into SW. Crazy!

But that's another thing, he's young--not much younger, mind, but...maybe young enough. And I think I'm sick of waiting for people to grow up. But I'm waiting for....something anyway, so I may as well wait for another thing? I don't know...

Besides the familiar "me" in SW, there's something else familiar about him--something that reminds me of Eric vaguely. Not that SW is necessarily similar to Eric, but something reminds me of him. Argh.


Relationships?

I've been thinking about polygamy again, and--if I'm honest with myself--I can admit that I'm a jealous person. I also enjoy positions of authority and power--not necessarily for the sake of dominating others, but it feels....good within me. Like, "I am a full human being, I am as I am, I am fully myself, I am wholly myself, I satisfy/sustain/fulfil/enjoy myself..." -sort of thing. But I do also enjoy being in positions of power so I can better care for others, and I suppose, for security...

SW is a giver. I am a giver. But I think SW is more practised in giving and enjoys it more than I, so he would hold that position more easily.

Giving is easy--in some respects, I'm talking very generally in terms of what it requires of character to give. Receiving is less easy. Receiving requires grace and...a knack for making the other feel appreciated. I lack grace, generally. About the most graceful I can get is Milonga del Angel (Astor Piazzolla) on a good day and when my fingers are sufficiently warmed-up.

But that skill of receiving is perhaps more useful? In giving, I make the other feel good. In receiving, I can get AND make the other feel good. ...My old self would take advantage of this. Me, I don't know.


I've been sitting on my arse too long. Time to do something else.
--Charlie

Augh

Kevin

Went to see a play Kevin was in, last night.

Sigh. I keep forgetting that about Theatre Kids. I absolutely love Theatre Kids--but I'm not entirely sure why. I mean it's partly because they're analytic and observant--generally--and cerebral. I love cerebral...ness.

In this play, Kevin's character gets to cuss and be an angry/angsty gay teenager who cusses and gets into an ideological fight with his parents. I wuv it!

What really confuses me is why this turns me on. I mean, I know I have a little soft spot for that "brooding man" idea, and I love Theatre kids... Maybe it's the idea of duality. Heh. "You never could be just one thing!"... That he could be both such a Virgo and a brooding, angsty teenager--complicated...

Neek says it's probably/mostly "misinterpretation of arousal", where I associate my general liking of Kevin to specific things he does. For example, if I'm already nervous/anxious and happen to talk to someone bald, I might think that bald people make me nervous. More specifically, I already like Kevin, and being aroused by his portrayal of someone angsty makes me think brooding people turn me on.

I'm going to back up a bit, because I forget if I mentioned this earlier.

Backstory

Mark and I went to see a play with Kevin, and afterward, we went over to Mark's place and watched Van Helsing. I sat next to Kevin, and as the movie went on, leaned on him and snuggled up against him. At one point, the cat came to sit on his lap, so we both petted it, and sometimes our hands would connect and we'd momentarily be stroking the other's hand, and he never pulled away or put effort into preventing this.

So when the cat left, my libido was all, "TOUCH HIM NOW!" so I made a show of saying, "Oh, the cat's gone now. Hmmm," and petted his forearm. And then I brushed the back of my index along up his arm just above the elbow. And he pulled away and crossed his arms over his chest, inhaling a little frustratedly.

I cocked my head at him. "Are you ticklish, or offended?"

"Not either, really, just..."

"Are you going to finish that sentence?"

... So, I know I wrote earlier that I was going to be less aggressive and back off Kevin for a while, but this was incredibly aggressive of me.

"Well," he began, "I'm just uncomfortable."

So I didn't explicitly touch him again. However, the cat came back and situated herself on his lap once more, and we began petting her, and again, our hands would connect. So, either he didn't care, or he didn't mind. In the back of my mind, I hope it's the latter.

This was the night before I left for the bikeathon. The following morning, I wrote up an e-mail, basically explaining that I like spending time with him, as a friend, but that I'm also physically attracted to him, "and that, combined with cyclical hormones, proximity and an ambiguous relationship can make me, well, aggressive. So I hope I didn't freak you out too much."

He wrote me back a few days later and explained that he liked me, too, but only on the level of friendship, so, hey, let's be friends.

I'm not sure this has lessened my attraction to him. It has, though, made me very aware of it. It's even challenged me and, being of a competitive spirit, I have to now damp down the urge to fight for him.

Sometimes I'll ponder him and think: "Kevin, I want to give you so much; and yet to take so much from you."

And then I wonder what I could possibly offer. Really, until I think a little deeper, the only thing I can come up with is "I want to give him the physical pleasure with my body", which is pretty shallow.

What could I possibly offer? I cook, I'm good with my hands, I'm intelligent...

I'm trying to focus now, but in my mind, I'm on the phone with Kevin, asking him if he wants to go biking, because it's a beautiful weekend, and he's saying yes, and I've secretly got a picnic all planned out

And then, in my mind, we're biking out to a beautiful stretch of land, no traffic for several kilometres around, shade, a slight breeze, fresh, springy grass; and I say, "Let's stop here," so we dismount; and after locking our bikes, we walk over near the tree line, under a dappling of shadow, and I say, "I brought a blanket," and unfold a large red and white checkerboard blanket and spread it around and invite him to sit with me, which he does; and he starts to think to himself, and I catch him and look him in the eye and smirk as I say, "I also brought a picnic," and produce a box of strawberries and cherries and raspberries and small slices of cake and chocolates.

He's uncomfortable now, and hesitates. He starts to ask me if I'm courting him, but he's not aggressive enough, so I interrupt him and tell him to try the strawberries--I picked them myself--so he tries one, and indeed, it's delicious, but wasn't there something he wanted to ask--so I smile at him and say, "Kevin, I must be a horribly selfish person, because I'm courting you even though you've already told me you're not particularly interested in me that way, yet here I am. Ever since I sent you that terribly awkward, but honest, e-mail, I'd been thinking hard why I like you, so I was, perhaps unprepared when I read your reply; and, being possessed of a competitive spirit, took it as a challenge.

"I used to think that romance didn't take effort--that, hey, if I loved someone who loved me back equally, then everything would be perfect. Turns out, it doesn't happen this way; most relationships demand effort. And, Kevin, I am willing to work at this and even fight for this, if you'd let me. I can give you my enthusiasm and pledge to you my honesty--there is so much I want to give you, and at the same time, to take from you; I'm kinda crazy for you that way. ... So! Unless you are very and unchangeably intent on not liking me (which, I suppose I could be convinced of if you were to put it very bluntly and directly), or if you have very good, logical reasons not to, I'd ask, Kevin, please, would you least give me a chance at this?"

Immediately, I'm scared shitless that he's, I dunno, terminally ill, or has a crush on someone else, or finds me or women to be physically repulsive. It's got to be the longest and worst five seconds of my life: I'm entirely helpless; everything is totally out of my control, I can say nothing, I can take nothing back, I'm completely exposed, vulnerable.

...

And I don't know how this story ends.

Change of subject!

I speak differently than I used to. I think I realized it when my friend said, "Sheesh, not everybody is as open-minded as you!"

I'm less articulate these days. I'm not sure if that's from lack of writing. I think I'm scared to commit. Yes, yes, and I know it's better to have a record than to not have one; but the thought of a record still makes me... too self-conscious? I don't know! I say things like, "Well, if [something], then maybe it's not such a good idea to [something else]."

... I've lost where I was going with this; something about how I tone myself down or something. I need to sleep.

--Charlie

Bikeathon!

Bikeathon

My best friend goes to a Lutheran church, and they have many programs out at Luther Village. It's a campground out by Kenora; it's beautiful country. Last year, he invited me to the annual bikeathon and I rode 80km to raise money for Luther Village.

Click to visit public photo album.

Last year was amazing. I had trained so much; even though it's mostly flat over here, I found a few hills and bridges for training and was on the road at least twice a week. When I realized it was only 25km, I switched to the 80km ride.

This ride starts at the entrance to Luther Village from Highway 71, goes to Bunny Lake for a pit stop (roughly 20km), then continues to Sioux Narrows (roughly another 20km) for lunch; then back to Bunny Lake for another rest, and finishes back at the entrance to Luther Village.


80km Bike Route

All distances and times are approximate. I'm not even sure if the map is entirely accurate; I guessed where Luther Village and Bunny Lake are.

Where	When	Dist	What
Entrance to Luther Village from Highway 71	08:00	n/a	Start point
Bunny Lake	09:00 - 09:30	20km [map]	Rest stop; wait for everyone to arrive; have snacks and power drinks
Sioux Narrows	11:00 - 12:00	20km [map]	Lunch; wait for the 100km riders to arrive; rest
Bunny Lake	13:00	20km	Rest stop; wait for everyone to arrive; have snacks and power drinks
Entrance to Luther Village	14:00	20km	End point; walk back to Luther Village

For the whole route, see this map.


Luther Village

Luther Village is a fantastic place. Most obviously, it is beautiful country; lakes, hills, trees, wildlife, plants, rocks, waters... Absolutely gorgeous.

But there's more!

When I'm there, I don't feel at all judged. Everything is just--"You are here now, and we love you", as though that's all that matters.

I wish I could write more, but it'd get too personal and these aren't my stories to tell. I'll just mention that my best friend also brought his girlfriend, who is going through a lot of issues (if you pray, please pray also for her, her growth, and that her loved ones will be with her and lend her strength), and we all agree this was so good for her.

And it was good for me, too. I needed that exercise, and the time to clear my head.

Will add more later...
--Charlie!


Some Photos

More...

Last day of school

Today was the last day of school before "Winter Break", and I got to lead the class. It was great!

Something I learned: Saying "Yo!" or "Word!" or "I'm-a get ma shizzle ON!" etc is a very easy way to get the attention of grade ten students. Indeed! One student, in particular, was embarrassed for me :). But it works. It's so outrageous, that they immediately cease all other activity and turn their heads.

We went over the kids' exam first (as planned here). Half the class got less than 50%. The average was 53%. We got through the first two pages before recess. I wanted to finish quickly so we'd have time for their "presents" afterward, so I just picked one of the hyperbolas to graph. They actually stayed the first minutes of recess to see it through.

Recess.

After, I handed back their tests. Not happy. I copied down a summary of How to Complete the Square; after, I gave them the flow-chart.

Handed out the "presents": condensed notes on sketching conics; and "Why Conic Sections are Cool!". Talked about "formula sheets", study guides, condensed notes.

I passed around my first "formula sheet" I ever made. It has taped edges to prevent tearing; sprayed with hairspray to prevent graphite smudging (write in graphite so that you can erase and position everything better); everything is labeled; colour and indents help titles to pop out... Only two things about this are dumb: One, I used pencil crayons, which the hairspray dissolved. Two, I spent too much time making it. On the next formula sheets, I smarted up. No colour, no tape; but the indents keep everything orderly.

I told them about speaking "Ukrainian Math Wizard", and (let's call him) Vasil, my prof for Honours Calculus.

Then, I gave them the One Million Beans problem (but with fixed values), saying that if anyone could solve and prove it, I'd bring doughnuts next class (solution below). The top students (grade-wise) couldn't get it, but two girls who were interested but determined they could not figure it out ended up solving it! Well, not necessarily proving it, but close enough. So I owe them doughnuts next class (January 12).

While they were working on it, I told them an Engineers vs. Mathematician joke; they're on the train, one ticket... They laughed--they got it! Just before class ended, I told them the joke about Mathematicians reducing everything to problems they've already solved whereas Engineers can solve "new" problems with originality. If they don't get it now, I'm sure they'll get it later!


Proof of "One Million Beans" Problem

We know that after the beans have been moved back and forth, each jar still contains P number of beans. Now let's look at the number of red and green beans in each jar:

Jar A has

(P - n) green + (m) red beans = P.

Jar B has

(P - m) red + (n) green beans = P.

Set up equality:

P = P	Number of beans in Jar B = number of beans in Jar A.
(P - m) + n = (P - n) + m	Cancel (P) on both sides.
- m + n = - n + m
2n = 2m	Cancel (2) on each side.
n = m

Therefore,

| n - m | = 0

for all Natural m, n, P, Q < P.


Okay, I have to get up early tomorrow, then work an 8-hour shift. Sigh. Shouldn't have committed to it...

But I'll mention quickly:

I've been blessed with amazing Math teachers over the years, which probably explains a lot about me. Hopefully, this will allow me to pass along that experience to others.

One student remarked how great it was to have a teacher who didn't mumble (which is especially funny because my father teaches the level below and some kids had him last year). Another said I was exciting and that she was having fun. A few others generally remarked that I explained well and was interesting.

And these are the three (recent) things that have made me feel so worthwhile, in chronological order:

1. Finding out my army-boss has harassment issues (it's not everyone--and we're not necessarily bad untrained privates!).
2. My army-boss telling me I look good (dress/deportment).
3. Hearing that the kids enjoyed my teaching.

--Charissa