Hurt

Olek and I have been together close to two and a half years now. We've been through a lot in that time. I would even venture to say, if there were a way to graph our satisfaction with our relationship over time, it would be mostly positive.

But no meaningful long-term relationship is going to be entirely positive (yes I'm hand-waving here). There are things I do that bring him grief; and things he does that bring me grief. One in particular is especially troublesome.

Sometimes, he purposely tries to guilt me, make me feel bad about something.

Now, in most of my other relationships--probably all of them--this isn't a big deal. If someone's trying to hurt me, either there's been a misunderstanding, or that person is no longer worth my time. But when Olek says something like that, it hurts deep.

My first impulse is to ignore it. Because I know, academically, he doesn't really mean to hurt me, that he was just thoughtless and lashed out unthinkingly. But because I can't let any problem between us go unanalysed (for fear there is a worse problem), I'll keep thinking about it. I'll keep digging. And the amount of energy I put into it amplifies the hurt.

Then, I'll start self-berating. "Holy shit Charlie, you're so fragile, how are you even still alive?!"

That usually subsides quickly, but is replaced with wanting to hurt him back. Not to actually hurt him back, but thinking about it. "Well fuck you, maybe I'll just go have sex with Petro!"

I have to mention something here, because I don't think I've ever mentioned it before on this blog. I've come to believe that I am polyamorous by nature. By this, I mean: I can love more than one person at the same time. I don't believe that there is a "best" person out there for me. I don't believe that I ought to love someone intensely forever; the fact I love someone now is enough, and though I may not love them as much in the future, that does not diminish my love for them now.

However, Olek is pretty strictly monogamous. We've talked semi-seriously about having threesomes with another woman, but Olek says such an arrangement would have to be either so casual as to be dismissive of the third person, or she would have to be a paid escort.

I've mentioned Petro before, but I don't think I've ever named him until now. Petro is a suitable name, I think; I used to think he was made of stone. And one day I will have to post about our encounters.

Back to the story at hand...

So I'll think to myself how I should hurt Olek back for hurting me. There are many reasons why I wouldn't actually go and have sex with Petro, but the one that's important to this story is: I would absolutely hate to hurt Olek.

Then, the fear of hurting him begins to set in.

For me, the greatest hurt typically comes from being lied to, being tricked. And so I would hate, for example, to trick Olek into thinking I'm monogamous. I would absolutely hate for him to go about thinking I could be satisfied with monogamy if the fact were that I just couldn't. I am deathly afraid that I will be fundamentally unsatisfied with monogamy, and that I won't find out until Olek and I are married (or something), and that it will crush him.

I've been hurt by someone who didn't know enough about himself to know what he wanted. Actually, that's a little unfair to say. JM both actively withheld truth from me (and told lies), as well as told me untrue things simply because he didn't know the truth. But imagine asking your partner, "Why do you love me?" and getting back, "Oh, probably for these reasons."  I'd have preferred, "This question caught me by surprise and I'd like to take the time to find you an answer that respects the depth of your question rather than say the first thing that comes to mind" but hey maybe I'm weird that way.  (I'm being facetious; I think that is a good preference to have, though it may be unlikely to happen!)


...post abandonned