Socializing tonight!

Me

So, I've never really gotten over that guy from Saskatchewan. I realize it was just a fling -sort of thing, but not being someone who usually has flings--with guys--while working....well, it's hard for me to let go of him. Yes, he lives far away, I'll probably never see him again, if I do see him again, it'll be on a professional level; I, in all likelihood, scared him off... Yes, okay, it's my fault.

Actually, I wonder what's bothering me most: missing him, or my regrets? Huh... I think my regrets...

Anyway.

Tonight was a small "mixer" party. Fun! Gay men are wonderful. I got so many hugs tonight!

There were a few minor complications, however.

- In the past, one of the gay guys, M--- said, "You're manly" to me, in a sort of "Ooh, you're *manly*". I really don't know how to interpret this, so I'll just assume he was being a kidder.

- Creepy-Ass showed up again. This is someone who used to grope my arm when he'd say hello to me. I don't like him; not only that, I *dislike* him, he makes me uncomfortable, being near him is almost suffocating, he disturbs me and I feel almost an obligation to make sure he's not making anyone else as uncomfortable as he made me. Ugh.

- There was a drunk girl. We sat together for the last bit, put our arms around each other. Nothing more.

- Throughout the entire day, I received sooo much sexual innuendo. Apparently, I was in a foursome--well, that's what they called it, but we were just sitting together on the couch...together. There may have been some touching. Actually, we had a back-rub chain of at least three, a bit later. And at one point, M--- and I talked, kinda--well, he said something implicating, and then I just had to clarify and ask, "Do you *like* women?" and his response was something like, "Well, I'll take what I can get. I'd just have to close my eyes and pretend it's someone else." I don't know if he meant anything by that--probably not.



Aaaanyway, I have to:
- mark papers
- prepare a lesson plan
- get ready for my Stat midterm which is tomorrow morning
ALL BEFORE TOMORROW MORNING. MORNING.

Tonight will be much fun. YES.

--Charlie

Me?

Me

I'm wondering again who I am. I've got all these...facets that don't necessarily fit together. I think I mean this socially...

I keep bumping into "Army buddies", and all they talk about is Army.
I have my queer buddies, and we can talk about absolutely anything, in the right mood.
I've got classmates, but for the most part, we talk about the classes we have in common.
I've got my other long-time friends. Yeah, we can talk about anything.

And these lifestyles might just conflict...


Punishment

Mark says I invent punishments for myself. I think it's true. ... The weird thing is I can't be talked out of them normally, because it makes sense to me.

"I'll wear my uncomfortable shoes to punish myself for going out tonight."
"I won't sleep, to punish myself for not doing my homework."
"I'll take first sentry because I'm not good at much else."

... I have such little sense of self worth. No not self "worth", but self.... value to others? No, that's not it either. I have this inner knowledge of my worth, yet it feels... Unjustified? I don't know.


...I write blog entries because I'm not good at essays.
--Charlie

Updates

Teaching: Chalkboard writing

I'm teaching S4 Pre-Calc content this year, hoorays!

However, there are a few problems I've discovered:

• as usual, my students are very silent;
  
• the desks are very segregating;
  
• I'm short;
  
• I'm unexpected (I look strange, I act strangely; it puts the kids who don't know me on edge and distracts them perhaps);
  
• I have messy chalkboard writing (I think I'd write better on an overhead)...

Things I want to do:

• Increase class participation (more group assignments or activities; more in-class assignments);
  
• Get them moving at least once every class (after recess time, most of the kids have little energy for Math);

More Updates

I'm in university again, going for Math (we'll see exactly where, later)...

I'm also in a literature course, and I'm supposed to be focusing on this essay, but, seriously, it's hard to write about something I think is pointless or... "dumb". Yes, yes, there's got to be a better way to describe that--I'm working on it, I'm working on it!

My dad was in the hospital for his leg thing. He was there about two weeks, then got sick of the hospital and came back home. The thing's still leaking, but at least he got his surgery date bumped up! It's....very.....distracting, I think. I don't know the word...

I might be doing modeling! More to come later!

Still in the reserves, still with my unit...

Teaching Math this year; got a good TA, too! Awesome!

University isn't offering the Hons Calc course anymore, and won't be next year, either. So I guess it's regular Calc for poor me. Boo.

Been in the military just over a year now! I'm entitled to new kit starting 23 Oct. I can order my DEUs now (they *might* be ready for Remembrance Day).

Rolled ankle still bothering me. Wrist feels the same, too; it's so aggravating!


...probably more. For now I should get back to that essay...
--Charlie