Rest!

Finally, some Charissa-time!

Tomorrow, I'm getting a long-awaited haircut; doing some grocery shopping; and spending some long-awaited time with Kevin! We're going to grab a bite and see Hitman at the theatre. Then, I dunno, tea or something (he doesn't drink coffee or hot chocolate). He's so wholesome!

Wednesday is going to be my stay-at-home day. I'm going to do my house work: tidy my upstairs-room, tidy my real (downstairs) room; do my remaining army laundry; start planning where things will go in my (real) room after the carpet/etc gets done (I so need another closet or dresser). And then James is having his housewarming party, and I should go to that, because I said I would. I baked a cake; I hope it hasn't gone bad.

And Thursday, it's back into the fray. I should also probably bring something to the bake sale. Probably. It'd be good of me.


Relationships?

I'm finding myself thinking back to when I was with James. I saw the world so differently then; I was so different. I was so in love! What's changed? I'm colder, I think; less willing to put myself wholly into something lest it backfire somehow. Am I "afraid of getting hurt"? I don't know. I know that my first "boyfriend" hurt me so bad; I was craving any form of validation after we broke up; I learned about pain and maybe that's when I started to be masochistic, I'm not sure.

Anyway.

I fell in love with details. I'm sure that when I see James again on Wednesday, I'll still be in love with his details; much has changed, but much has stayed the same. He still crosses his hands at the wrists like puppies' paws. He still does that physical "closing up" when he's...uncertain and maybe feels vulnerable--I've yet to work out what it means. ... These are things I fell in love with.

I'm sure there are so many other people with details I could fall in love with; but I haven't found them, and part of me is scared to; and part of me is scared they'll be found by someone else instead. Do I feel lonely? Sure--I'm always lonely in Winter. I have been single every Summer of my life. I don't know why; a friend said that at least I'm warm all year round that way, and we laughed. Maybe I just like snuggling, I dunno.

And then there's Kevin.

I don't know. I like the guy. He's charming--he's delightful--but he's also a Virgo. Maybe that's all he is or will be.

So much of me is confused, or at least ambivalent.

I'm sure I'd make a terrible mother; I don't want to have kids. In the long run, I would so love to settle down with another woman; maybe adopt, I dunno. I found myself wishing that James were a lesbian--he'd make a great lesbian, too!--and now the same is happening with Kevin.

On the bus the other day, a guy and girl sat behind me. They seemed university-aged. The guy talked about all sorts of things that were very University-male-esque but also cunning or clever. And the girl replied in very simple-University-girl-esque ways. He actually coaxed her entire history of residence out of her--so smoothly, too! He summarized Punk so effectively! He talked about biking to Mexico! Man! Where do these guys come from?! Now if only women also came that way!

...Which I'm sure they do, but they're probably hetero or spoken-for. Argh.

I have to go to the gay bar again--it'd be so good for me. And gay men are amazing; friendly, hugging and inspiring--"Have a beautiful day!"


Sigh. Sleeeeeeeeep.
--Charissa

Quick update

because I didn't think it worthwhile to make a whole new post.

Went to see Hitman with Kevin. I'm pretty impressed with how he'd bend at the knees and hunch a little so that we were closer to eye-level. And he wasn't afraid to get close to me--face-wise, at least. I don't think he liked Hitman very much; but he's a Film Kid, so at least he can appreciate the cinematography... and the part where Nika is naked but the blanket's teasing and covering just part of her breasts, and then she just gets right out of bed and she's only wearing a thong. We got to see her breasts a lot in that film. "Clearly, this was worth the nine bucks."

13:15 Dec 19
--Charissa!