I practice talking sometimes.

It's a little funny that way: I've worked over the air before, but I have such little confidence in my voice. I stutter. My lips or teeth or jaw have always felt awkward, and I'd even seen a speech therapist when I was young. The braces didn't help, and the full implications of "JAW SURGERY" hit me all at once about a month before it was supposed to happen. I'm also first-generation Canadian, and my parents have never been great with English. I don't know if that's why I took to music and drawing and literature and Math so eagerly.

I've always had a thing for expression, for communication. Anyone who knows me will also know I have a crush on Math for that very reason--among others.

I love that, in Math, any aspect of life or any thought can be modeled using these strange symbols and even stranger rules, both of which can be taught to anyone; ideas can be communicated, proven, or disproven, and even improved upon by any number of people also seeking to find the most perfect expressions.

It's a whole community devoted to perfect universal truths.

... Hehe!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Margaret Cho and Me

Margaret Cho

I've been watching some of Margaret Cho's performances on YouTube lately.

I think Margaret Cho is my hero now.

I was watching "I'm the One That I Want", and so much of it resonated within me. Expectations, Asian mother, bisexuality, low self-esteem, more expectations, uncertain identity...

(Aside: I find the way YouTube displays "Related Videos" on the side of a video to be terribly annoying in the way it truncates the title, so if you're looking for "Part 7/10", it usually gets cut off. So, I've made quick tables for myself and others to use!)

"I'm the One That I Want" (YouTube)
Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4Part 5A, 5B
Part 6Part 7Part 8Part 9Part 10


"Assassin" (YouTube)
Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4
Part 5Part 6Part 7Part 8



Me

I'm finding myself lost again. I had my best friend come over last week (or so). It was...good, but also frightening. We still have this thing, where we just know what the other is saying, or is trying or wanting to say, even if the other is stuck on the word or whatever. And we still have the ability to surprise eachother--we tell jokes, which are maybe five words long, and the other can't stop laughing!

At the same time, he'll be moving to either Hartford or Miami for school, which is sad and... I don't know what the word is.

In my graduating year, I wanted to be an Acoustical Engineer. I was actually considering going to Hartford for my education, too.

I'm not sure what happened, though.

And that... sort of scares me. I'm not sure what happened.


I was chatting online with an old classmate from high school. She's into some of that "New Age" stuff, like homeopathy, and has pretty radical but forward ideas.

We talked--inevitably, about me, because I'm such a windbag sometimes. I'd said something about having no motivation, and she said that lack of motivation comes from repressing what you want. And this struck me as true.

The unfortunate side of this, is that I am a First Generation Canadian, and my parents have "Old World" expectations of me:
- go to University
- become a "professional" (ie: letters behind my name, a job that requires an expensive education; eg: doctor, lawyer...)
- support them until they die

Aside from these, are more implied and less action-oriented:
- marry a nice man; having kids would be very nice (my two older brothers are not married)
- have a license, drive a car
- don't be fat
- be pretty
- be proper (polite, etc)
- achieve things that have documentation (eg: awards, certificates, grants, scholarships...)

Reminds me of something Margaret Cho said in ITOTIW. A reporter had asked her whether or not it was true that she had been made to lose weight, to play the part of herself, on her own television show.

Sometimes I feel I'm being pressured to [do this] because it's "who/how I should be".

I should be assertive. Sure, no problem with that one.
I should be world-wise. Ennh, maybe, sometimes, maybe.
I should not get upset over other people's problems. Uhh...
I should not trust people. Okay, shut up.

Sometimes I wonder what it means to live as a Christian. Sure I know why I can call myself Christian--that's on a personal level. What do Christians "look like"?

This is one of the reasons I don't want to be "wise in the ways of the world". Whenever I feel that way, I also feel... out-of-character and as though I don't fit or belong that way or belong in that "worldly" world.

I'm very mental. ...By which I mean, things happen in my mind more than anywhere else. This is why I love doing math problems or proofs--I see through to the other side, and while I'm doing it, I'm writing down a physical record of it.

But because I'm very mentally active, that is the first thing I try to shut up when I'm trying to relax or calm myself down. Thus, I rarely get anything finished. Thinking gets me excited, sometimes upset. I'm pretty passionate in that Scorpio way.

I feel--sometimes I just have to hate. Not so much that "it's okay to hate", but "it is natural to hate things". And my first reaction to this is always, "No, hate is bad!" However, I find, that as soon as I allow myself to be angry, I'm no longer angry.




This post has carried on pretty long and I should sleep. I wanted to upload Strip Calc v. 2c, but it'll have to wait, I guess
--Charissa

Posted by Charlie at 10:26 PM

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