075: (abandoned)

Work

So it's been a while. I got another job, selling knives this time. I started on 17 May, and already I'm quitting.

Started off okay; they have brilliant marketing and training strategies. And, I mean, sure, it's a great job, for some people. Just not me.

Reasons I am quitting Vector:

• I don't have a cell phone;
  
• I don't have a driving license;
  
• I don't have access to a vehicle;
  
• At some point, it becomes dangerous for a tiny Asian girl to wear business casual and take public transit to the North End to sell knives;
  
• Had I a driving license and access to a vehicle, I am averse paying for fuel
  
• I like office/predictable hours;
  
• I need to be me--I need to be an artist (this job is infringing on my ability to be an artist);
  
• I feel as though I am being manipulated through this job--which I am and will be for most any job, but it also feels wrong in my gut; and
  
• I don't like the way it goes through people I know.

Today was my last day. I hand in my papers tomorrow.


Sexuality

I'm trying to figure out which I prefer: men or women. I mean, women have things most men don't--like a good sense of both personal hygiene and bodily responsibility, and attractive breasts--and men have things women usually don't--like facial hair and work-hardened skin.

I'm wondering. I like Kevin--entirely too much--but there are so many times I think to myself, "If only he were a woman."

I'm wondering about one of my close friends who came out as bisexual recently and is now in several open-relationships.

I guess I'm wondering about monogamy. Is it acceptance of human ability to satisfy, versus human desire? I mean, I think a lot of us want more than we can fulfill.

Someone has said of me, "You never can be just one thing, can you!" I guess it's true.

I'm wondering if polygamy is fair. A lot of people want to be the only person (romantically) in another's life--want to "be everything" to someone. Is that naive, or is it optimistic? I think it's a bit of both.

Is polygamy then cynical, or is it practical? "Not one person can satisfy all my needs, so I'll go with multiple people." Is it an excuse? "It's not you, it's me. I just can't be satisfied this way." Yes, I think it can be an excuse sometimes.

I think "Celibate Polygamy" is my word of the day.


Kevin

I'm thinking maybe I've freaked Kevin out a little.

I'm kind of aggressive--at least, the last few guys I liked, I went after them more aggressively--so maybe my phoning and badgering and running my fingertips up the nape of his neck kinda scared Kevin off. Okay! So Charlie is scary and imposing and aggressive and needs to give Kevin some space. Got it!

On the other hand...

Last time he was over, I was running about, trying to finish up my work. So he made himself comfortable laying on the edge of my bed. And he's started making sex/penis jokes, which is an entirely unexpected first! (For example: while playing Settlers of Catan, he managed to make "wood" jokes.) Welcome? Maybe, maybe.

Maybe I'm just giving meaning to events. Actually, I am definitely giving meaning to events, but perhaps they're wrong or perhaps I believe too strongly in them. Like when he initiated physical contact with me for the second time ever. Is that a sign? Maybe? Probably not! Things only fit so well in retrospect. If we end up going together, that will look as a landmark; if we don't, I will forget it ever happened.


Analysis

Why do I like Kevin? --And I mean that in the best way possible.

He doesn't scan or study or judge me--or if he does, it's not on a conscious level. This alone would probably be enough! I'm not sure if I mentioned before, but the day I got my "very" short haircut, he was the first to see it, and he said nothing. No "I like your hair" or "You got your hair cut!" bullshit, nothing. I loved it.

Something in my gut tells me he's a person who is...changing / moving / not-still inside. Or maybe it's more like waterwheel perfectly balanced and awaiting the one drop that will make it spin forward. I'm a little scared to lead/push him the wrong way. I want him to be his own person and carve his own path, but I want to see where he goes--both out of curiosity and because he means something to me.

I guess, tied to the above, he's new ground to me. I've never met someone like him, and I love that. It's both my...cerebral curiosity and my..."soul" curiosity. He himself said he realized just how young he is and how this is the time to explore and make mistakes.



[post abandoned]