Kevin?

Post abandoned from 5-May-2008
Kevin

Went for a long walk with Kevin today, maybe 10km, outdoors; talked.

Both he and I have realized how young we are--that this, now, is the time to make mistakes and have adventures. There's something....interesting, I dunno, about him.

I dunno if it means anything, but he started quoting The Simpsons: "...an enigma wrapped in a mystery" and I finished, "wrapped in a vest" and he said, "High-five!" This would be the second time he's initiated physical contact--the first time being at a film festival downtown when he hugged me in thanks for coming.

And while I'm mentioning things that are probably meaningless, he also asked me what my plans are for the summer.


I feel weird; I felt weird with Kevin. After walking, we went back to his place for some water and a bit more conversation, then I went home. I still have difficulty looking at people when i talk tot hem. Same with typing, I think. I type faster and better when I'm not looking at the screen--generally.

We have something......strange?


We walked by a park and decided to cut across. "Let's be naughty," Kevin said in a 'proper' British accent, and I said, "Well, when you put it that way...!" He laughed sharply and replied; "Of all the things to be considered naughty, walking through a field is probably the lamest!" I'm not sure why he said that--if it was to play innocent, or if he really meant it.


Saturday 10-May-2008

Went for another jog with Mark; only did about 3 km tonight because his ankle hurt. Then we went for food.

We talked. We also talked about Kevin. Mark recommends I stop speculating and actually "test the waters". I'm inclined to agree.

Mark asked what I even wanted to do "to" Kevin. Mostly, I want to cuddle.

"Do you want to have sex with him?"

My ideas about sex and what it is--they're probably very different from most other people's ideas! I've probably mentioned it before, but to me, "sex" is "sexy things", and by that definition, I've had "sex" with three people--though I kinda don't think one of them should count because it wasn't enjoyable on this side.

Anyway.

Scissoring is probably the greatest / hottest sex act ever, in my humble opinion. I told Mark that's what I'd probably end up wanting to "do to" Kevin.

I'm going to put my finger in the palm of his hand and see what happens. Well, maybe not yet.

I want to tell him he's beautiful; I like his hair and the way it's thick and rough; the way he can turn his smile off and on like a switch; the way he likes politeness and defaults to it all the time; I want to see what he sees; to feel his thoughts and know the reactions that spark within him as I run my fingers down his chest, along his shoulders and up the column of his neck. I want to hear his breathing and feel the heaving of his chest as we lay against eachother in half sleep. I want to take a walk with him in some open field, then race him to the other side, and tackle him to the ground when he wins.

Sigh.

But, at the same time, I'm not sure if I want these things. I mean, even though he's said he's realized how young he is and that this now is the time to be adventurous and make mistakes, I just don't know. I don't know if it's worth it.

I could have a totally awesome, meaningful and long-lasting relationship.
I could have a pretty great relationship and find out that we're just not meant to be, but we get over it and move on, learning from the whole experience.
I could totally botch this up and ruin both our futures.
I could totally botch this up and ruin just one of our futures...

Who knows!

--Charlie!