Sexual Identity

Identity

An interesting train of thought hit me this morning. It's something I've thought about in the past, but never really...explored. It's about sexual identity, sort of.

First, assume that preference is not the only factor in sexual identity. I'm going to say the factors of Preference, Gender and Biological Sex are important and I'll deal with only these for now.

Preference is who you prefer. This can be basic as the biological sex of the person, or as complex as the person's internal workings.

Gender is self-identification, who you think or feel you are on the inside. I'll use words like "masculine" and "feminine" to describe gender.

Biological Sex is arguably the simplest to understand, but difficult to explain where "male" ends and "female" begins because of so many genetic variations. For the most part, this is determined by primary sex characteristics: what's in your pants. Biological males have penises and biological females have clits and vaginas. There's always variation, too, and I'm not sure how to call a person with both or neither, so for simplicity's sake, I'm going to use words like "male", "female" and "other". Sorry people-who-fit-into-this-and-might-take-offense.


So, who is Charlie?

I'm biological female. That one's easy enough for me to identify. I've got a vag and a clit.

I'm attracted to both males and females of all kinds. I've known that for a few years now and have been out for about three years.

Gender is the hard part for me define, but I'm hoping that the effort of writing will help me organize this.


History

I remember when I was a little kid in grade school, sometimes I'd be sick and would stay home for the day. And being bedridden, I'd watch whatever was on television. Usually, this meant soap operas, and although I was upset with the lack of cartoons, I'd stick some of them out.

I don't remember what the show was, but one time, I saw the end of an episode. What my young mind gathered was this: there was a man, and there was this "beautiful" woman (I knew she was "beautiful" because she had long blonde hair and was wearing a flowing red dress). The man had done something that the beautiful woman didn't like. But he was enamoured of her. The woman was sly: she waited for the man to let his guard down and then killed him--or at least, it was implied by the way she sneaked into his room at night with a knife or firearm.

And I *remember* thinking to myself, This is great! Women are desired and powerful! And I'm going to grow up into one!

However, the other thought that occurred to me, not nearly as prominently, was that, perhaps, "women" are only powerful because they can manipulate the men who have the "real" power. This rather disturbed me and I didn't think about it too long.


However, I have another recollection of my wayful childhood.

I was watching Disney's Pocahontas for the first time. That must've been 1995, which put me at age seven.

There's a scene [Youtube] where Governor Ratcliffe is singing and walking down a flight of steps with these ladies lining the edges and cooing over him.

And this time, I thought, Oh, so "women" are a symbol of power and status. To have women fawn over your is a sign you're rich/powerful. (And the thought went even further) So, one day when I'm rich and powerful, I'll have ladies fawning over me!


I don't know how much that last thought played in the rest of my life. I didn't consciously think, I must attract ladies to me! But maybe it played a small part. Everything we remember must have played a part, yes?


So, those were my young thoughts of "women" and power and wealth. I say "women" with quotes because I don't think all women are necessarily like this. I mean a perception of women, not actual women.


So, gender.

I think, maybe, since seeing that bit from Pocahontas, I started to identify with men more.

Around grade seven (age 12), I started liking vampires and stuff. A lot of my drawings from that time show it (it's kind of embarrassing). Around the same time, something else started happening, and I'm not sure if the two are related or not.

I started "hearing voices".

That's about the easiest way I can put it. The weird thing was this "voice" wasn't external, it wasn't a strange voice, it was...familiar. And it would say all sorts of things, mostly about myself and my current situation; but, sometimes it would tell me about the very near future; and it was usually right. Granted, the "very near future" may have just fit under "my current situation", but it was still neat, and for this reason did I decide this voice was external.

That wasn't the only reason, though.

The voice was masculine. Eventually, a very real presence grew behind that voice. Sometimes I thought he was the Devil come to talk me out of Heaven. This character was very powerful, very alluring, and also, it seemed, very dangerous. Even now, I still entertain the possibility he's the Devil. But it seems mostly absurd now. I wonder if that's a bad thing...

After a while, I gave him a name--I won't reveal it here, but I'll give the nickname Cyan.

Cyan felt very much a part of my mind. It was as though he had no body and so rested in mine--he didn't take over it, but he could talk me into doing things--more accurately, what he'd say would make me react.

But enough about history.


Now

I've had this thought before: What if I'm a man on the inside?

When I first really considered the possibility I was bisexual, a whole new world opened up. I suppose it's comparable to looking at the types of characters you can make in RPGs.

"There are so many things I might be! I might be [this], but no, they have [this quality] which I don't have. Or [this], they have [this quality] which I have and like, but so does [this]..."

I didn't have to be a straight feminine female! It was a remarkable feeling, that I didn't have to be something. I had the freedom to not be something I didn't want!

Writing this, I'm having trouble explaining in a way that doesn't imply I could *choose* whom I was attracted to or such. I didn't just wake up and think, OMG I WANT TO LIKE WOMEN NOW, HURRRR. No, I woke up and thought, Alright so I actually do like women, what other assumptions do I have about myself, that might also be flawed?

And one of those assumptions was being "feminine" on the inside.

As an aside, no, I've never been terribly feminine to begin with. My only siblings are two much-older brothers, so maybe that influenced me. But my mom says I came out of the womb already my own person, stubborn and not willing to conform to the shape the world sets for little Chinese girls.


So, what have I been thinking this morning...

Let's assume I'm masculine inside. ...What now?

I'm still attracted to both male/masculine and female/feminine.
I'm still a giver.

The way I excite feels more comfortable. Less expectation, more enjoyment.

Do I want to change my body to be more male?
Superficially, yeah, a little. I mean, I would love to have that muscular chest/abs/arms combo going on. And chest hair would be freakin' awesome!

How about a penis?
...It'd be very interesting to have a functional penis. But I don't think I want to *change* my body to get one.

Why? If I'm really a man living in a woman's body, shouldn't I want the body to reflect what's inside?
I think I'm too afraid to. Parents would freak out. I'd have very little support; most of my friends would run away. I can only think of two definite people who would stick it through with me, and one of them, I'm not sure he'd be supportive of it. Just friendly-supportive.
And I think I'm naive enough to think that, if I stay in this body and go through all that frustration, one day, I'll find that soulmate who'll understand me.

Why do people dye their hair?
Because it looks better? Because they want to try it out? Because they think it would fit better with the rest of their bodies?
If the latter, then the implication is they know better than their Maker--than God.
"I know life would be better as a blonde. People will like me more. Blonde hair fits with my features better. It brings out my eyes." Whatever.

Why don't I dye my hair?
In all honesty, because Asians tend to look stupid (and ugly) with anything other than dark hair. Platinum-blonde Asians scare the shit out of me.
But I used to think, "Because this is what God gave me! Black hair!"
Then I chopped most of it off and I absolutely love it!
If I wanted to be a purist, I might've thought, "Well, since God gave me hair, I'll keep it all and never cut it." Then again, hair too long can prevent one from performing other tasks that make the most of God's gifts. I dunno!


Do I still think hetero penetrative sex is unfair, boring and kinda gross?
A little... But as a "man", the thought is more like "If my tool can give a lady pleasure, then I'd be happy to have hetero penetrative sex with her. But there are other ways, too."
I guess it's very different being on the other end.
I still think it's unfair, unless she were into strap-on dildos and giving me butt sex.
Man, what would I think of that?!
Being a bottom, I'd completely melt. Even as a "man", I'm not thrilled with receiving. I still think receiving (personally) is selfish.

What do I think of male-male sex involving myself?
HOT. Seriously, gay men know how to have fun! Still not sure how I'd feel being penetrated.

Do I think being penetrated as a man is better or worse than as a female?
If I'm completely honest with myself, I think anal is a little gross. But, it is more fair and I think that fairness could win over the slight disgust.



...Well, the rest will have to wait until I've eaten lunch. Or, breakfast.

--Charlie
(possibly a bisexual man living in a woman's body!)