I practice talking sometimes.

It's a little funny that way: I've worked over the air before, but I have such little confidence in my voice. I stutter. My lips or teeth or jaw have always felt awkward, and I'd even seen a speech therapist when I was young. The braces didn't help, and the full implications of "JAW SURGERY" hit me all at once about a month before it was supposed to happen. I'm also first-generation Canadian, and my parents have never been great with English. I don't know if that's why I took to music and drawing and literature and Math so eagerly.

I've always had a thing for expression, for communication. Anyone who knows me will also know I have a crush on Math for that very reason--among others.

I love that, in Math, any aspect of life or any thought can be modeled using these strange symbols and even stranger rules, both of which can be taught to anyone; ideas can be communicated, proven, or disproven, and even improved upon by any number of people also seeking to find the most perfect expressions.

It's a whole community devoted to perfect universal truths.

... Hehe!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Me?

Me

I'm wondering again who I am. I've got all these...facets that don't necessarily fit together. I think I mean this socially...

I keep bumping into "Army buddies", and all they talk about is Army.
I have my queer buddies, and we can talk about absolutely anything, in the right mood.
I've got classmates, but for the most part, we talk about the classes we have in common.
I've got my other long-time friends. Yeah, we can talk about anything.

And these lifestyles might just conflict...


Punishment

Mark says I invent punishments for myself. I think it's true. ... The weird thing is I can't be talked out of them normally, because it makes sense to me.

"I'll wear my uncomfortable shoes to punish myself for going out tonight."
"I won't sleep, to punish myself for not doing my homework."
"I'll take first sentry because I'm not good at much else."

... I have such little sense of self worth. No not self "worth", but self.... value to others? No, that's not it either. I have this inner knowledge of my worth, yet it feels... Unjustified? I don't know.


...I write blog entries because I'm not good at essays.
--Charlie

Posted by Charlie at 11:34 PM

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