Talking With Myself

Condoms

I had a discussion with a Neek the other day. I had mentioned this strange relationship with EE and slipped the word "fuck-buddy". And then I mentioned this other guy I've been eyeing and how I might seriously consider starting "casual relationships" from now on.

What Neek said next, logically, makes sense, I guess. No matter how I react to it, it still makes sense, and it's what I would've said to just about anyone else in my position.

"If you're going to start having casual relationships, you'd better carry condoms."

Backstory: Me

I've always been able to say No. Every time a guy has asked for something (sexual) that I didn't want, I could always, ALWAYS say No and enforce it. There was my first boyfriend; there was MM; PMK; and, hypothetically (since it was only in the land of instant messaging and not face-to-face) EE.

I mention this so you can understand where I'm coming from.

My response was, essentially: "If you have sex, use a condom. If you don't have a condom, don't have sex."

Neek: "You say that now, but in the moment, you won't be able to say No."

Me: "I've always been able to say No!


But this isn't really what I wanted to talk about. No, of course, I want to talk about me.

Me

What does the fact I'm unwilling to carry condoms--even if I'm sexually involved with a guy--say about me?

It means I'm stubborn, and maybe stupid. Well. Carrying a condom would be smart. Not carrying a condom would be stupid. It's a stupid thing to do. Does that make the decision stupid? ... It *should*. Why can't I see it that way? Just carry the fuckin' condom, dammit!

I must have such strong belief in myself, then.

"Well, just in case" has been one of my most-used arguments for things like going to work early or packing extra kit. ... Extra kit.

My thoughts:

Well, I'm obviously not going to jump a guy tomorrow. Tomorrow, I work anyway. And the day after that.

How about the next day?

I'm going to school to buy books and a bus pass.

Mightn't I meet someone at school?

UNLIKELY as fuck.

Why? Why is that unlikely?

Well, I don't like very many guys...

Yet you're considering trying casual relationships...

Yeah, but I have "standards", there are certain things I'm just not attracted to, or wouldn't compromise for the sake of sex I can give myself.

So, you want to have casual fucking with very specific guys. And because he's so specific, this means you won't ever find him. Therefore, you shouldn't carry condoms.

Right! ... Wait, what?

You want "A", but that would mean doing "B", which you don't want. However, getting "A" would be so unlikely that doing "B" would be unnecessary. So, the real question is how badly do you want "A"?

...Yeah. Well. Not all that badly, really. I mean, there are times when I *really* think I want it--a guy to run my hands over and to snuggle with me--but, when I had that with JT, it wasn't great at all. It was empty and boring. ... BUT, it was also viewed as a long-term relationship! Maybe if we came right out and said it'd be casual, it wouldn't have been so bad.

How do you really think you'd react to that? If you found a guy tomorrow and, supposing all things went well, and you said, "Let's be fuck buddies, and here are all the things I'd consider as 'fucking' and what I would and would not like to do with you. We don't have to become emotionally involved with each other--but it's okay if we do, there's just no expectation." Things would be good--great--at first. Happy body sensations! But you're clingy. You are SO CLINGY. Remember PMK? Yeah. YEAH. That's what it would be like. ALL--OVER--AGAIN.

Yikes.

YEAH.

So... I'm clingy, and I would get emotionally attached and it would only hurt me and not him, in all likelihood.

Bingo.

Sooooo...... What does this all mean...

Well. How badly do you want to change?

Huh?

If you could change so that you don't get all clingy and dependent, then you could have casual relationships that work.

Hm. How would I get them to work?

Well, ideally, you'd have more than one going at the same time.

... What?!

I mean, you LOVE attention. If one guy became busy, you could fall back to the other. Then you'd only have to deal with that clinginess.

Well I've never been (romantically) emotionally involved with more than one guy at a time, historically.

True... Y'know, this is becoming more about how you change / don't change.

In what way?

Well, you're always basing your projections on your past.

Isn't that a good thing?

Yes, but it might also limit your ability to grow in new, unseen ways.

Yeah, but every time I've tried that, it's failed: first year of university, Army... I tried to change to fit the culture. And it only worked superficially and for a short time.

So.. Hypothetically, if you had more than one casual relationship at a time...

And they all worked superficially and only for a short time....

..Maybe it would work?

This is way too hypothetical for me.

Just sayin'!

OKAY I THINK WE'RE OFF TOPIC NOW. PICK A NEW TOPIC OR REEL IT IN, GUYS AND GALS.


(Actually, I just got invited to play chess with GV. More later!)
--Charlie!