Me, myself and hypothetical situations

Me

Today, I slept in, then I procrastinated, was late for first class, then I procrastinated, then skipped Discrete Math, procrastinated more, was late for my Comp Sci lab, murdered time, went to the gym for a little bit, then got started on my homework, took a nap, got a coffee and went to work again.

And I realized something.

I am still myself!

This comforts me SO much. I was afraid I was losing myself again: to the military, to socialising, to my physical drives... But when I sat down and powered through as much of my assignment as I could, it felt.... great! I found myself again!

What does this mean?

That I am most myself when solving problems? That I am most myself when...
...not thinking about myself?
...immersed in something different?

This makes sense. If I'm too busy being myself, then I'm not. If I'm not trying to be myself, then I can (be myself).


Earlier today

Earlier today, I waited for the bus (a later bus, because I slept in and procrastinated with making today's lunch/dinner).

As the bus pulled up, I heard running and shouting coming from the end of the block. There were about five teenagers running for the bus. I already had out my bus pass and was ready to board. They obviously wanted to catch the darn bus, and I was in a position where I could delay the bus long enough for them to get on. At the same time, if this bus were early or fast, I'd make an earlier transfer--earlier by about ten minutes!

I put one foot on the bus, looked up at the driver, looked toward the running teens, and the bus crept forward, bumping me.

"Are you on or not?" he demanded. "The bus is for everyone, not one or two people!"

I got on.

This delayed the bus enough that the driver couldn't ignore the running teens and was obliged to stop for them.

But I wondered why I had paused.

Was it just for the teens? Did I really want to delay the bus for them? Or was I just uncertain what to do? I think that would be the harder to face--that I was just hesitating and froze up.

Or, did I actually realize I had the power to delay the bus for a few seconds? If so, why did I hop on immediately when the driver spoke and nudged the bus forward?

I want to know what happened there.

I thought about this the entire ride to campus...

What if that were a helicopter transport? What if those were my troops--my buddies I shared trenches with? Or if they were under my supervision? If the transport had to leave--if the mission and circumstance made its withdrawal necessarily immediate.... what would I have done?

Would I have stepped off? Hopped on? Demanded they wait?

The most logical might be to get on the darned thing--mission before self...

But if those were my buddies, and I were insignificant, might I have stayed? Whom would that benefit? What if they were hopeless--if staying meant certain death? Would I have done that for them? Doubtful... But if staying weren't hopeless, would I have? Would I have stayed to aid them? ... Is it vanity to think I could make a difference--that my refusal to leave would actually sway Death and save lives?

What if they were two seconds away? Would I demand the transport wait? What about five seconds? Six? Seven? In a firefight, every second counts, I understand that abstractly... And situation will always dictate action... A difference of five seconds might mean a precision artillery strike or a well-aimed snipe at the pilot. Waiting for them might even mean watching them die; might mean I get dumbstruck and freeze and another troop has to haul my dumb ass onto the helicopter.

The worst part? Until I can make these analyses faster, the best plan is to follow the plan: get on the transport, don't wait, don't delay. It's the safest action more frequently than others.

...Wow.

--Charlie