Dreams

Around spring this year (2007), I noticed I wasn't feeling the same. I felt normal, but, somehow, less something, and consistently so. So I went to the doctor, and was prescribed thyroid hormone.

One of the strangest "side effects" happened to me: lucid dreaming.

I'd wake up in the morning, not knowing what to think anymore. When my dream-experiences contradict my waking paradigm--which they often do--then I'm left totally confused, because my dream-experiences feel so valid!

Most notably, I've had ponderous remarkable dreams about James.


Backstory

James and I met in Honours Calculus last September, and we got along quite easily. We started dating in December, and it was totally awesome geek-love, complete with writing geeky love notes to eachother. This was actually during my coming-out as "curly", for the first time, to close friends. James didn't mind, though, because he had a close friend, Kay, who identified as a lesbian.

Spring rolled around, and the school year was ending. I had noticed that James was beginning to withdraw, and perhaps actively hold something back from me; but his silences had always confused me, and I wondered if it was just nothing. On the last day of school before exams, we talked, and he told me he had developed feelings for another girl. We decided to take a break; especially with exams coming up and the school year ending; and we'd talk more about this after some time apart.

About a week later, we decided we'd be friends from now on.

We kept in touch a little, mostly through e-mail, though we met on occasion over the summer. He and Kay started going out. It was a little amusing for me to wonder--because she had thought I was attractive, and James and I were dating, and I'm bisexual--about all sorts of possibilities.

And over the summer, James was planning on moving into the city with Kay.


The First Dream

The first dream I had was terribly confusing; mostly because I'm not sure if it was me leading the dream, or otherwise.

I'm not sure by what circumstance, but James and I were talking in the dream. I think we were doing something romantic. Suddenly, I stopped, and I asked something about Kay.

James does this thing with his posture sometimes, like closing up; and I've come to interpret it as a sign he's sad, distressed, scared. He did that, in the dream, and I asked him what was going on. He explained something about Kay, though I don't remember what, and I got the sense he was worried, but also hurt or offended or outraged and something like he wanted to do something about it but couldn't, or didn't know what.

A few months later, I visited James at his new address in the city. After some general chatting, I asked where Kay was; and he explained that her parents were not permitting her to either move out of her house, or into this one. And he did the same thing he did in my dream--the closing up--and I got the same readings from him.


The Second Dream

After hearing about Kay, I was even more rattled about the dream, because it had started off with a very close and probably romantic feeling between me and James. I don't know what to make of this, but the second dream was almost entirely romantic.

In this dream, James and I were swimming, not just in a beach, but something that seemed farther, larger and deeper. It reminded me of Venice: salty ocean water.

I don't even remember all the details, and there are some I don't want to mention; but we kissed, and there was a time he asked if this was okay--because of this, that and the other thing--and I said yes, so we kissed again.

Well, I guess it wasn't okay, because I woke myself up immediately; and I was frightened and bewildered.


Charissa probably thinks too much

I don't know what to make of these dreams.

Probably the most likely explanation is that, if these dreams mean something true about James, they mean that James still has affections for me (as I do for him), but we simply cannot do anything about them because of the choices we've made and the lives and responsibilities we have now.

Or, I'm simply projecting what I want, and just happened to be right about Kay being in some sort of trouble that affected James in a very predictable way.

I wonder how much of the first dream was meaningful, though, and if the relevance of one dream is an indication of the relevance of all other dreams--ie, if one dream came true, maybe all my dreams can come true.


With my birthday party coming up, I'm wondering whether or not to invite James. I mean, I want to, because I still want to be friends with him, but he still affects me too deeply, maybe--too deeply to know if it's real.

I'm going to try meditating tonight.
--Charissa