le Quoi?

So I think Mark and I just broke up?

We've known eachother since grade nine; seven years now? We dated at one point. We've been buds since. And since getting out of Uni, we've been spending more time together. But we're wearing down on eachother.

I become terribly rude and obscene and cynical around him. I hate to put it this way, but he brings out all my bad qualities.

And I'm not so good for him. I exhaust and aggravate him with my lack of understanding of the things he's interested in.


Neek took me out for lunch the other day. It was good. We ate at this wonderful little Thai restaurant. Unfortunately, I found the curry to be very salty, and couldn't even finish half . The owner/server took it off our bill. I felt so bad!!

Neek and I talked.

It feels so good to be.... To feel appreciated? To fit in? To be validated? To have my feelings and experiences and frustrations validated for the fact that others have experienced them, and I am not so unique as to be alone?

He actually pointed out when the conversation was getting beyond him. I was trying to explain some Physics to him, about Light being both Particle AND Wave at the same time, and if you set up a test to find the position, you found it; but if your test was for momentum, you also found it. Even if you switched your test half-way, you found the one you were looking for.

And this started going over his head, so he told me it was getting difficult to follow. And on the inside, I was going, "HA! So I'm not the only one!"

Felt so good!

I mentioned in an earlier post that I need to remember that there are people who are good for me, as well as those who are bad for me. The trick is to keep a healthy balance. The people who are bad for me are only bad if I'm with them too much.



Me

I'm generally pretty transparent; honest. Rarely do I have "hidden motives" or anything like that. When something bothers me, I let it out (usually immediately). I get angry over lots of things. I get happy over lots of things. (PINK BUNNIES.)


[post abandonned]

Weirder dreams!

Dreams (again)

I dreamt that my close friend, Mark, and I were suddenly making out. It was crazily good, too, instead of him just doing whatever he wanted. I think we had paused to take a breather--we were outside, btw--and suddenly, he fell backwards!

Oh, and he had told me something about how when he was a kid, he got Viral Something (I think he said pneumonia) and it spread to the barley crop but then the barley became resistant or something like that.

When he fell backwards, he hit his head on something hard. He lost all his memory up to the point where he was a kid and got that Viral Something. I had no idea what to do, so I called his best friend on his cell phone. When his friend arrived, we were both in tears; he couldn't even speak. Mark was delirious and talking about how to get him to the barley fields so he could infect them and save future crops or something.

Well, Mark didn't get better. I went with him to the hospital, and for some reason, he stayed with me afterward (or I stayed to take care of him, in my house?). He started seeing a psychologist to get his memories back and snap him out of his delusions, but it didn't seem to help. I realized that he still hadn't heard from his best friend in a long time, so I decided I'd call him and put him on the phone to Mark.

It was a miracle! After hearing his voice, Mark snapped right back, and the two started crying with joy! His friend arrived at the door shortly, and the two of them began making out. I think the dream ended with the two of them driving off into the sunset together.


Interpretation?

I need to not be jealous of Mark and his best friend.

...more later...

Horrible, horrible day

Army

Well, today went hideously.

First, I found out that my period had started, about two hours before I had to leave for work. NOT FUN. Standing for hours, and lots of stair-climbing do not a happy uterus make!

Second! I had started carrying my ID in my jacket pocket, with my bus pass, making it easier to grab than from my leg pocket. Today was the ONLY day I had forgotten to take my ID from my jacket and keep it on my person. TODAY. THE ONLY DAY. And, of course, it just so happened that there was a check to see who had their ID with them.

So my boss's boss had some words with me. This will never happen again. I will never forget to have my ID on me (in uniform) ever again. My ID and my dogtags (when I get them) must be on me whenever I am on duty. I WILL NEVER FORGET TO DO THIS. EVER.

Third! My boss called me aside after dismissal to give me some more words about forgetting my ID. This made me late for my bus.

To catch my usual bus, I head North, because this bus stop is only eight minutes away. However, there is another bus I could take that would get me downtown, but it's an 13 minute walk South. Since I missed my usual bus, and I didn't want to stand around, for the next one, I walked 21 minutes South to the other bus stop, just to see the bus speed away with a block left to go.

I called my brother and asked if he could pick me up from downtown. But because we live so far South, this is even difficult. So he asked me to take this bus that comes every 15 minutes even at night.

I think I was outside for over an hour, total, just walking and waiting for buses. It was absolutely horrible.


Me

I think I need to set aside more "me-time". Less video-games, less watching TV. Just "me", thinking about stuff.

Man, I haven't done that in months, maybe even a year. I think I just need to relax and be totally okay with being myself--set aside an hour or half an hour every day to be okay with being myself. Be happy with being myself. Think about what I would like to do tomorrow. Think about what I would like to do in the (somewhat near) future.


Neek

I'm having lunch with my friend Neek tomorrow. It'll be interesting. He thinks my friend ----- is emotionally abusive and a negative influence on my life. He's also paying for my lunch. I think Neek is good for me--in some ways. He's a total jerk, with very little sense of boundaries (in terms of what is appropriate to say/ask). And he loves to annoy stupid people, take advantage of stupid people. He plays online poker for a job. He also teaches chess.

He used to be a great chess player--maybe he still is, but he hasn't truly practiced in a long time. So he teaches kids chess, and they pay top dollar for it.


Me again

I think I've missed this.

I keep forgetting that there are people who are like me, or who are good for me. I've been so pessimistic and defensive and awkward and noncommittal and "shy" these past months.


Dream

This terrible day is suddenly bringing back this dream I had last night/this morning.

I dreamt I got thrown in prison--except, that it was a crazy prison that was trying to educate us into refined people, and also there were kids from my highschool there, too. Most notably, Diane and Homer. Diane was one of my closest friends in high school. We've drifted apart since grade 11 or 12 though. She's now a journalist in Alberta. Homer was this disgusting hippopotamus of a kid who used to tease me and others for various things, especially in grade school.

I was marched down a very long hallway to the prison, but I was wearing my CF uniform for some reason! All the staff were in grey or grey-brown or even some sandy colours. But they were warm colours, too.

As I walked into the prison, other prisoners would look at my green uniform and go "Wow", they gawked and some of them smiled, I guess, because the green made them happy? I dunno.

I was brought to a station where I could undress and put on the grey-brown prison outfit. Afterward, I was introduced to my prison-mates.

I can't figure out why Diane and Homer were there. There were also some other kids who, like Homer, picked on us. But, seriously, Homer wasn't that bad. He was nothing compared to the girls who'd jab their noses in the air every time they saw us, or say brainless things about us or our families or our whatever. But anyway...

Diane seemed so broken-spirited. She'd cry or sob at things (the others were mean to her, too), and seemed just... I dunno. Despairing.

She brightened up when she saw me. It was weird. I wanted to protect her. (In real life, she's much more independent than she seemed in the dream.)

In the prison, the guards/etc were weird. They were trying to teach us things like poetry and correct order of cutlery for fancy dinners. It was like being in the military! Also, once, I forgot my towel or something, and I got a stern yelling-at. Something about how towels could save your life? I'm not sure! There was this blonde girl who just lent me a towel. It was blue.

I got back to "class" and everyone was sitting with their heads bowed and writing stuff on papers at their desks. The "teacher" was writing stuff on a chart on the board. It was either a spelling test, or a poetry test.

Anyway, I woke up suddenly so I don't know how it ended. But strange how foreboding it was, in retrospect!

--Charissa

Arousal, Politics and Minorities

Confession!

There's this guy at work, he used to be an interviewer, and then he became a mentor, and now he's a team leader. He's got a voice like suede. Warm, deep brown suede that kind-of glints in the right light. It's calm, baritone but with an inner brightness, and it pushes everything else out of my head when he talks in his professional way. It makes me tingle, and I want to jump his voice every time I hear it.


Massage

I went for that one-hour couples' relaxation massage with Mark today. It wasn't nearly as intense as the other one, but it was very relaxing indeed! Unfortunately, my legs are still very stiff, I think. My masseuse spent much longer on my legs than Mark's spent on his.


No subtlety at all

Mark and I talked after. He said that was a great hour-long erection.

Y'know, I don't think I could stand being male. I really cannot handle being aroused, and from what I understand, puberty is a terribly confusing and (sometimes) frightening experience for males, because of sexual arousal or new bodily abilities. I think I would absolutely freak out if I woke up with an erection. Just--"what the fuck is this?!"

On the plus, I've heard that the arousal generally goes away once a male ejaculates, so maybe that's helpful.

I've heard that for most women, and I'd include myself, arousal is smoother, longer and doesn't just peak and fall off. It could take hours or days to get a woman in the mood. It generally happens over a longer time, and fades slower.

Sometimes I'd wish to trade for getting it out of my system as quickly as possible. Seriously? I cannot handle being aroused. I become (more) obscene around people, and it's so difficult to focus on anything other than ways to satisfy myself.

It's fun, I guess. And it's not like this happens very often--just, the times it does happen, it's barely within my control.

Man, I really hope this becomes easier to handle, with age.


Moving along...

I'm feeling creative again. I think I need to read more books. I feel like writing something--creating worlds again.


Sudden Political Topic!

Okay, I apologize in advance for not having any specifics, but I was watching some sort of interview with Stephen Harper and the reporter asked what he thought about some recent poll.

The PM's response was something like, "I don't listen to polls--this poll says one thing and another poll will tell you otherwise. No, I will not make a decision based only on the polls. I will make a decision based on what is right."

What?

Dude, I get that you want to do the right thing, but you were voted into a Democracy! I don't think that was the smartest thing to say. Nor do I think that's a very democratic view. We own your ass! We vote--maybe not us, specifically, but we have representatives who speak and act on our behalfs, and unless I really can't remember grade-school Social Studies, these people vote on decisions.

I suppose we also vote for representatives because we have faith in them--or because we lack faith in the others.

Also, what the fuck is the "Christian Heritage Party"?!

The party's explicit goal is to "apply proven Judeo-Christian principles of justice and compassion to Canada's contemporary public policy needs". The party claims that it seeks to represent all Christians in Canada, but that they acknowledge many Christians are members of other parties, and they specifically deny any interest in converting Canadians to Christianity. It also claims to be Canada's only pro-life federal political party, and emphasizes that the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms acknowledges "God" (in its members' interpretation meaning the Judeo-Christian God) in its preamble. Other policies include staunch opposition to same sex marriage, staunch support for the US-led war in Iraq, and a subsidy for parents raising children, to encourage one parent to stay at home rather than working.

Wow. Just, fuckin' wow.

There's so much in politics that makes me angry. I want to be out there fighting for Queers, Immigrants, the Homeless, and many other minorities. I want Queers and Immigrants to feel safe and entitled to the same legal rights as those in majorities. And why the fuck are there homeless people in fuckin' Canada?!

I never used to be politically-minded. It used to be head-knowledge: "This is a cabinet, these are members of parliament, Canada borrows from the British system, the Queen blah blah blah."

I guess being Queer does that.

There's a feeling I have, like a pressure; as though I should only care for these minorities because I share commonalities. I hate that feeling. I hate that feeling like I'd have to be in that persecuted group in order to care for them. No! Fuckin' no!

Sure it's part of the reason, but you don't have to be homeless to be homeless, you don't have to be homeless to be poor. You don't have to be a Queer Asian Female to be different in some way from the people who would decide the bigger things in your life.

I know of no person who has the luxury of having nothing in common with those who are persecuted.

Do people fight only for the things they are a part of? I think so--at least, that it's a big tendency. Which would mean that minorities will stay minorities.

Just a quick example, because I'm falling asleep and need an example:

Assume the popular belief is that Bobs are worthless, and Bobs are a minority. Suppose a few (or all the) Bobs stand up for the belief that Bobs are not worthless. Since the popular belief is that Bobs are worthless, and humans have a tendency not to fight for something unless they belong to it, the Bobs will never convince a majority that Bobs are not worthless.

Man, I need to sleep on a happier note.

FLUFFY PINK BUNNIES.

--Charissa