Lots of Stuff and Gym

[this post is very scattered]

Socializing

Went to Swing Dance again tonight. This was the last class of the "term", so a lot of us went for food afterward. It was good times!


Men and Women

I've been passing for a man for some time now. It's more of a social experiment than "I want to be a man!", but it's also fun.

I noticed that, as a butch woman, people respect me, my space, my existence. At very least, they make way for me when I walk by.

As a feminine man, I get a lot less respect. I become invisible.


Reception of "Charlie"

I've gotten mixed responses. My co-workers seem totally cool with it. Maybe they also think it's weird and sudden and forced, but they're co-workers; they're minimally involved in my life so, of course it's no big deal.

Mark says he's "unimpressed". Don't blame him; he thought I was queer for the sake of being queer and not because I actually happen to be queer. I think he's starting to get it, though. Though I did announce it pretty poorly--quite suddenly, to people who barely knew me.

But my co-worker, Leah, seems to be very supportive! Which is great! (I love how our team is so queer-friendly! At least three of us are queers or has lived as a queer at one point.)


Respect and Others

This is kind of interesting.

Earlier, Mark said that he and I have lost all respect for eachother.

I'm going on my BMQ, and there are going to be people yelling at me, and they have no respect for me, and nothing I do will change that--at least, it won't change the way they treat me. I cannot go into BMQ thinking I'll impress anyone, least of all, anyone in charge of me.

Recent events with Mark actually gives me the opportunity to practice this!

We argue about a lot of ideas; "debate", whatever. He has no respect for my ideas. Knowing that I don't need his respect has been very liberating. I don't have to concede; to conform to his ideas of who I should be. I can argue points with him without losing any part of my self to it.

"High self esteem lets one evaluate other people's criticism; one realizes it is only someone else's point of view." Or something like that.

I guess I miss that with Eric. Having conflicting views did not make us think any less of eachother. We'd challenge eachother's perspectives, and still be best friends. What mattered most was that we were friends; we knew and cared for eachother deeply. That was paramount.

So whenever Eric and I disagreed or had opposing views, we took it to heart.

During/After the "Summer of Eric", I tore myself apart and started from scratch. He had basically suggested that maybe I've been in denial; and I would have trusted him with my life, that's how much I respected and trusted him. So I took his words to heart; re-examined myself, re-evaluated my beliefs, feelings.

I talked to Neek about this.

He said that the only person I'd mentioned to him, who respected me and would look out for me or care for me would be James. That's pretty sad.

Who are the people I trust?
- Neek
- Eric
- James
- my mum
- JS
- DM
- KW
- Leah

And who are the people who respect/ed me and made me feel valued or loved?
- James
- Leah
- Eric
- JS
... That's about all I can think of.


Gym

Went to the gym on Friday and earlier today before Swing.

Friday (14)
Exercises:
- treadmill (20 min of running; 10-15 walking)
- push-ups (about 20; "standard" on knees)
- deltoid flexes (two 8-pound freeweights; until they hurt, about 15)
- bicep curls (two 8-pound freeweights; until they hurt; about 20)
Stretches:
- quads (lunge; hold foot back while standing upright)
- hamstrings (sit and try to touch toes)
- bicep (stretch arm out against a wall/post/etc)
- tricep (elbow behind the head)
- inner thigh (feet together, press knees down)
- butts (twist and pull knee to chest)
Swimming
- front crawl (2x1 pool lengths)
- kicking on a flutter board (2x4 or 2x5 pool lengths)
- back crawl (1 pool length)
- fake front crawl (2x4 pool lengths; without blowing bubbles in the water; "head up front crawl")

Notes

- On Saturday, my quads were in such pain! Sunday was better; Monday was better; by Tuesday, it had all gone. I ate three bananas on Friday; and one on Saturday.

- Swimming is fantastic! Even just kicking on the flutter board is fantastic for my legs and I get a bit of cardio, too. And if I sweat, I'm in a pool anyhow. To cool off, I dunk my face! It's fantastic!

- Treadmills are fantastic. I ran for 10 minutes without stop. Then I walked; ran again; walked again; jogged; walked to cool down. The water-bottle holder was also great!

- NEVER, EVER, EVER close your eyes while on the treadmill!!

Today, I just had an hour before I had to leave for Swing.

Wednesday (19)
Exercises:
- track run (15-20 min of running; 15 min of walking)
- push-ups (3x10 "standard" on knees; not tired at all!)
- bicep curls (2x10)
- deltoid flexes (2x10)
- sit-ups (1x15 on an incline; could have done more, but saved abs for Swing Dance)
Stretches:
- quads (lunge)
- hamstring (sit and try to touch toes)
- "higher" hamstring (sit back from lunge position, lean forward toward bent knee)
- calf (against a wall)
- bicep (against a wall)
- tricep (elbow behind head)

Notes:

- The biggest problem was time. I could have done so much more if I had more time; I did not feel sore or very tired. I also had to save energy for Swing Dance afterward!

- I did my exercises "in circuit"; I would do a little bit of running, then freeweights; then push-ups; then sit-ups; then running; then freeweights; then push-ups, with stretching in between. This seemed to work really well!

- Must remember to wipe down mats before/after use.

- Treadmills are popular! I kept an eye on them as I did other exercises.

- I should try doing those "V" things; lay on my back, lift my legs by bending at the waist; extend my arms above my head; keeping both halves straight, reach hands to touch toes. They look very effective!

- I should try chin-ups if I can find a bar (that isn't surrounded by big burly men).

- Buy a lock. Lock rentals cost $1.

- I ate one banana before leaving the house.

--Charlie

"Charlie"

Charlie

I think I want to have people call me "Charlie" from now on. Not as a legal name-change, but more of a nick-name -dealie. Way back when, I had people call me "Char" (unfortunately, this was immediately prior to / during the Pokemon craze at my school, and taunts like, "Char-char-charmander! Oh no! Charmander evolves to Charmeleon!!" so I tried to shed it quickly).

I dunno, something just feels very appealing about being a "Charlie". And it would be pronounced either with the emphasis on both syllables, or only the last syllable--"CHAR-LEE" or "char-LEE", not "CHAR-lee".

I would spell it "Charlee" if only it didn't look so "pretty pretty princess!" Also if it were not related to the pr0n star writer.

At work, some of my co-workers are adopting it, too. I also want to use it as a pseudonym, since nobody understands the name "Karissa", but "Charlie" is familiar and stable. Except that some will get confused with the masculine "Charlie". But they can screw themselves. If they can't get over it, they won't want to deal with it, and that makes life easier for me!

I guess, the other thing:

Vietcong: a guerrilla member of the Vietnamese Communist movement [link].

This would often be abbreviated "V C", but in the IPA, thus: "Victor Charlie", and became "Charlie" for short [link].

So I might get some people going, "Charlie, huh? You're not a charlie, are you?" And I'll say, "No, I'm Canadian."

I'm not sure how others will receive this. Then again, it's a nickname, right, so only my new or closer friends will know about it.


Image

In my mind, "Charlie" is this wonderful, eccentric but articulate, "Bohemian", partying girl (who's sometimes a boy) who is just as comfortable in a tight, cleavy tank-top as a tux or flannel and overalls.

At heart, she just wants to be happy and be herself; whether the road is simple or complicated.

And I'm not sure if Charlie is actually who I want to be, or if she's another character I want to live alongside my life.

Aside:

I've always had the ability to project my experiences through another character/personality/viewpoint. Sometimes it's in the form of different "voices" giving me different feedback/advice on events, and sometimes it's a full-blown conversation with them. Sometimes it's like that personality got into my driver's seat and is the person driving this body.

It's ranged from cautionary words to "WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM?!" actions. And I like to think one of them is a mysterious psychic who takes images, feelings and events in general, from the future, and puts them into my dreams.

Sometimes they become characters in stories I write; sometimes I think they're much too special to share with anyone else. Sometimes I'll be coming up with new characters and they evolve from there.

I've sort-of accepted it now. *shrug* But I have to remind myself sometimes that not everyone...believes things like this are normal. They're kind of like guardian angels / demons / characters in general.

So, who knows who Charlie is!

But I'll try being a Charlie for a while. We'll see what happens.

--Charlie?

Pr0n and Women

Pornography

We had this topic come up in church. There's an article in Christian Weekly (or something), about this site, www.XXXchurch.com. According the article, this church reaches out to porn stars and porn addicts. As opposed to condemning them, they're more "Hey, God loves you!" which I think is great!

We had a discussion about porn.

Porn is this thing that most Christians don't want to talk about. It's this big taboo. While people might openly admit to lying or stealing or envying, it's unlikely that people will admit to actively consuming porn. When someone says they're an alcoholic and going to AA meetings, we congratulate them, pat them on the back. When someone says they're addicted to porn, we suddenly have somewhere else to be.

No, I'm not leading up to a dramatic reveal, although I will admit to having actively consumed porn before (though, in truth, some of the stuff I've seen was just plain gross).

I wanted to bring this up, because I'm an artist.

It's no secret by now that I love the female figure; nude or otherwise; and that it's riveting to draw. So many curves; soft gradients; absolutely beautiful. But am I producing porn?

I heard somewhere that viewing artwork is a delicate procedure. Hold it too close, and it becomes pornography; too far, and you become cynical.

I guess that's a sad fact I have to deal with as an artist. Despite my intentions, there is always the chance that my work can be viewed in a way I did not intend. And sometimes it'll be a pleasant surprise, and other times it'll be "mor b00bs plz, kthx".

Aside: Kay, wow. Firefox recognizes "b00bs" as a valid word. Wow.

It's not something that I'll be able to solve, at least, not immediately.


Women

I suddenly remembered something from when I was about six or seven.

I used to catch the last ten minutes of some soap opera when I came home from school. Once, there was a scene with a man and woman arguing or something; and the woman was going to either kill him or break up with him or something like that. And I thought, "Wow, women are powerful and awesome!" And that idea stayed with me for a long time.

Then I saw Disney's Pocahontas.

There's this scene with, I think it's Governor Ratcliffe, and he's singing about having riches or something, and he's coming down this staircase with a bunch of poofy-dress-ed women waving fans and swooning around him. And this completely blew my mind.

I think, first of all, I went, "What's going on? Women don't like him! He's a jerk!"

My next thought was a little frightening: "Maybe it means he's more powerful than the women."

And my next thought was, "Man, I want to be so powerful that women flock to me!"

--Charissa

PS: If you check out that IMDb link, the plot outline reads: "The daughter of a Native American tribe chief and English soldier share a romance..."

At first I thought the word "share" was incorrect.

People

No subtlety at all!

I'm trying to figure out what is so disgusting about hetero-sex. I think it's the machismo. There's this wonderful scene in Saving Face, where the mom rents some Chinese porn, and later on you hear a snippet of it, a man's voice:

"Oh my god! WHO'S YOUR ASIAN DADDY!"

(And it sounds as abrupt as it looks in text.)

I guess hetero-sex just seems really... Vulgar. Crude. Kinky as opposed to beautiful. Brutish as opposed to wonderful. Thinking about it just now makes me go "Eew!"

I wonder if this is why some people are poly-amourous or polygamous. I don't know that I could have only one sort of thing and nothing else. I guess it's important to take things slow so that you don't get tied down immediately with something that ends up not being satisfying. That came out poorly...

Start a relationship slow. That way, you don't get sick of hir and sie doesn't get sick of you. You get to have independent experiences and bring those back to your relationship.

I mean, why be boring now? I have all my days to come for being boring. I've never felt so young. I have such energy. For all I know, in five, fifteen or thirty years, maybe I'm chemically depressed and can't make it through the day without several pills.

I'm so not ready to settle down. Not that I have anyone to settle down with; but I might. I'm not sure where this whole Kevin-thing is going.

I miss having a best-friend. There was an Eric-shaped dent in my life, that slowly grew into a slightly different (smaller or larger?) shape. I'm not sure what fits there. Something about Kevin fits, though. I think it's his out-ness; it's like Eric's, but coming from a Theatre Kid.


Theatre Kids

It wasn't until either grade 11 or 12 that I found people who were like me but also well-suited for me (complementary, I guess). Theatre Kids.

CSS came to our school in grade 10. He'd lived in something like 15 different countries by that time, but considered himself an American. He brought all sorts of things from different places: he'd point with his lips like in the Philippines, or if he got carried away he might start shouting with a British accent.

Anyway.

Because he was so extroverted, I never really paid him much attention as someone I could relate to. (Man, now that I think back on it, high school was so pretentious. It was filled with too-deep and too-self-analyzing thoughts and too many complicated layers of awareness, like, "Do I think I'm angry? I think I think I'm angry. But I don't think I'm angry. So I must not be angry.")

But when he showed me his blog, there was this sort of sadness I'd never realized before. Something fragile and affected. I'd never quite realized that people could put up shields of extroverted-ness, and that there'd be a sensitive person whom I could even relate to underneath it.

I'd known for some time, mostly as head-knowledge, that I observe people, and that I liked people who observed people. I thought the majority of people did this. I just assumed that, because I'd read books with people like me in them, that these people were easy to find.

I'd also known that I'm cerebral. I think a lot. I think and I study and I fill my mind with things. I'm not happy unless there are things happening in my head. I used to be able to create worlds in my head--very, very real and tangible worlds. Colours, textures, scents, sounds, temperature, everything would be completely real and tangible.

But it wasn't until I learned more about CSS that I discovered who these people were--the people I'd been looking for, who were like me but also complemented me. They were Theatre Kids. People who study other people. They're cerebral, they're empathic, they're very aware, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Since then, Theatre Kids have made their way into my life. A few examples...

CSS, of course.

He taught me that there exists Theatre Kids!

V---, one of the supervisors at work.

When I first saw him in his "in charge" role, it was awesome. I could see his methods of persuasion, and they were ingeniously, and I think got such pleasure from their subtlety. He also has a voice like suede. He'd be evil if he weren't.

He taught me about control and how to persuade people or invoke certain reactions in them.

James, a classmate last year. We took Honours Calculus together, and hooked up.

He taught me a lot about myself and how to fall in love with details. I realized that I see things in people and refuse to do anything about them--to alter them. He taught me that relationships require effort; that sometimes, sadly, love is not enough. He made me realize I'm afraid of kissing; I'm a bit of a control freak; I like formats; I wasn't (at the time) "okay" with myself (being myself, who I was). I learned a lot through him.

Kevin was Mark's friend.

I haven't spent much time with him yet; we'll see the wonderful things I learn from him when I do.

I guess I like guys who are lesbians, if my recent tastes in guys says anything specific.

--Charissa