People

No subtlety at all!

I'm trying to figure out what is so disgusting about hetero-sex. I think it's the machismo. There's this wonderful scene in Saving Face, where the mom rents some Chinese porn, and later on you hear a snippet of it, a man's voice:

"Oh my god! WHO'S YOUR ASIAN DADDY!"

(And it sounds as abrupt as it looks in text.)

I guess hetero-sex just seems really... Vulgar. Crude. Kinky as opposed to beautiful. Brutish as opposed to wonderful. Thinking about it just now makes me go "Eew!"

I wonder if this is why some people are poly-amourous or polygamous. I don't know that I could have only one sort of thing and nothing else. I guess it's important to take things slow so that you don't get tied down immediately with something that ends up not being satisfying. That came out poorly...

Start a relationship slow. That way, you don't get sick of hir and sie doesn't get sick of you. You get to have independent experiences and bring those back to your relationship.

I mean, why be boring now? I have all my days to come for being boring. I've never felt so young. I have such energy. For all I know, in five, fifteen or thirty years, maybe I'm chemically depressed and can't make it through the day without several pills.

I'm so not ready to settle down. Not that I have anyone to settle down with; but I might. I'm not sure where this whole Kevin-thing is going.

I miss having a best-friend. There was an Eric-shaped dent in my life, that slowly grew into a slightly different (smaller or larger?) shape. I'm not sure what fits there. Something about Kevin fits, though. I think it's his out-ness; it's like Eric's, but coming from a Theatre Kid.


Theatre Kids

It wasn't until either grade 11 or 12 that I found people who were like me but also well-suited for me (complementary, I guess). Theatre Kids.

CSS came to our school in grade 10. He'd lived in something like 15 different countries by that time, but considered himself an American. He brought all sorts of things from different places: he'd point with his lips like in the Philippines, or if he got carried away he might start shouting with a British accent.

Anyway.

Because he was so extroverted, I never really paid him much attention as someone I could relate to. (Man, now that I think back on it, high school was so pretentious. It was filled with too-deep and too-self-analyzing thoughts and too many complicated layers of awareness, like, "Do I think I'm angry? I think I think I'm angry. But I don't think I'm angry. So I must not be angry.")

But when he showed me his blog, there was this sort of sadness I'd never realized before. Something fragile and affected. I'd never quite realized that people could put up shields of extroverted-ness, and that there'd be a sensitive person whom I could even relate to underneath it.

I'd known for some time, mostly as head-knowledge, that I observe people, and that I liked people who observed people. I thought the majority of people did this. I just assumed that, because I'd read books with people like me in them, that these people were easy to find.

I'd also known that I'm cerebral. I think a lot. I think and I study and I fill my mind with things. I'm not happy unless there are things happening in my head. I used to be able to create worlds in my head--very, very real and tangible worlds. Colours, textures, scents, sounds, temperature, everything would be completely real and tangible.

But it wasn't until I learned more about CSS that I discovered who these people were--the people I'd been looking for, who were like me but also complemented me. They were Theatre Kids. People who study other people. They're cerebral, they're empathic, they're very aware, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Since then, Theatre Kids have made their way into my life. A few examples...

CSS, of course.

He taught me that there exists Theatre Kids!

V---, one of the supervisors at work.

When I first saw him in his "in charge" role, it was awesome. I could see his methods of persuasion, and they were ingeniously, and I think got such pleasure from their subtlety. He also has a voice like suede. He'd be evil if he weren't.

He taught me about control and how to persuade people or invoke certain reactions in them.

James, a classmate last year. We took Honours Calculus together, and hooked up.

He taught me a lot about myself and how to fall in love with details. I realized that I see things in people and refuse to do anything about them--to alter them. He taught me that relationships require effort; that sometimes, sadly, love is not enough. He made me realize I'm afraid of kissing; I'm a bit of a control freak; I like formats; I wasn't (at the time) "okay" with myself (being myself, who I was). I learned a lot through him.

Kevin was Mark's friend.

I haven't spent much time with him yet; we'll see the wonderful things I learn from him when I do.

I guess I like guys who are lesbians, if my recent tastes in guys says anything specific.

--Charissa