Lots of Stuff and Gym

[this post is very scattered]

Socializing

Went to Swing Dance again tonight. This was the last class of the "term", so a lot of us went for food afterward. It was good times!


Men and Women

I've been passing for a man for some time now. It's more of a social experiment than "I want to be a man!", but it's also fun.

I noticed that, as a butch woman, people respect me, my space, my existence. At very least, they make way for me when I walk by.

As a feminine man, I get a lot less respect. I become invisible.


Reception of "Charlie"

I've gotten mixed responses. My co-workers seem totally cool with it. Maybe they also think it's weird and sudden and forced, but they're co-workers; they're minimally involved in my life so, of course it's no big deal.

Mark says he's "unimpressed". Don't blame him; he thought I was queer for the sake of being queer and not because I actually happen to be queer. I think he's starting to get it, though. Though I did announce it pretty poorly--quite suddenly, to people who barely knew me.

But my co-worker, Leah, seems to be very supportive! Which is great! (I love how our team is so queer-friendly! At least three of us are queers or has lived as a queer at one point.)


Respect and Others

This is kind of interesting.

Earlier, Mark said that he and I have lost all respect for eachother.

I'm going on my BMQ, and there are going to be people yelling at me, and they have no respect for me, and nothing I do will change that--at least, it won't change the way they treat me. I cannot go into BMQ thinking I'll impress anyone, least of all, anyone in charge of me.

Recent events with Mark actually gives me the opportunity to practice this!

We argue about a lot of ideas; "debate", whatever. He has no respect for my ideas. Knowing that I don't need his respect has been very liberating. I don't have to concede; to conform to his ideas of who I should be. I can argue points with him without losing any part of my self to it.

"High self esteem lets one evaluate other people's criticism; one realizes it is only someone else's point of view." Or something like that.

I guess I miss that with Eric. Having conflicting views did not make us think any less of eachother. We'd challenge eachother's perspectives, and still be best friends. What mattered most was that we were friends; we knew and cared for eachother deeply. That was paramount.

So whenever Eric and I disagreed or had opposing views, we took it to heart.

During/After the "Summer of Eric", I tore myself apart and started from scratch. He had basically suggested that maybe I've been in denial; and I would have trusted him with my life, that's how much I respected and trusted him. So I took his words to heart; re-examined myself, re-evaluated my beliefs, feelings.

I talked to Neek about this.

He said that the only person I'd mentioned to him, who respected me and would look out for me or care for me would be James. That's pretty sad.

Who are the people I trust?
- Neek
- Eric
- James
- my mum
- JS
- DM
- KW
- Leah

And who are the people who respect/ed me and made me feel valued or loved?
- James
- Leah
- Eric
- JS
... That's about all I can think of.


Gym

Went to the gym on Friday and earlier today before Swing.

Friday (14)
Exercises:
- treadmill (20 min of running; 10-15 walking)
- push-ups (about 20; "standard" on knees)
- deltoid flexes (two 8-pound freeweights; until they hurt, about 15)
- bicep curls (two 8-pound freeweights; until they hurt; about 20)
Stretches:
- quads (lunge; hold foot back while standing upright)
- hamstrings (sit and try to touch toes)
- bicep (stretch arm out against a wall/post/etc)
- tricep (elbow behind the head)
- inner thigh (feet together, press knees down)
- butts (twist and pull knee to chest)
Swimming
- front crawl (2x1 pool lengths)
- kicking on a flutter board (2x4 or 2x5 pool lengths)
- back crawl (1 pool length)
- fake front crawl (2x4 pool lengths; without blowing bubbles in the water; "head up front crawl")

Notes

- On Saturday, my quads were in such pain! Sunday was better; Monday was better; by Tuesday, it had all gone. I ate three bananas on Friday; and one on Saturday.

- Swimming is fantastic! Even just kicking on the flutter board is fantastic for my legs and I get a bit of cardio, too. And if I sweat, I'm in a pool anyhow. To cool off, I dunk my face! It's fantastic!

- Treadmills are fantastic. I ran for 10 minutes without stop. Then I walked; ran again; walked again; jogged; walked to cool down. The water-bottle holder was also great!

- NEVER, EVER, EVER close your eyes while on the treadmill!!

Today, I just had an hour before I had to leave for Swing.

Wednesday (19)
Exercises:
- track run (15-20 min of running; 15 min of walking)
- push-ups (3x10 "standard" on knees; not tired at all!)
- bicep curls (2x10)
- deltoid flexes (2x10)
- sit-ups (1x15 on an incline; could have done more, but saved abs for Swing Dance)
Stretches:
- quads (lunge)
- hamstring (sit and try to touch toes)
- "higher" hamstring (sit back from lunge position, lean forward toward bent knee)
- calf (against a wall)
- bicep (against a wall)
- tricep (elbow behind head)

Notes:

- The biggest problem was time. I could have done so much more if I had more time; I did not feel sore or very tired. I also had to save energy for Swing Dance afterward!

- I did my exercises "in circuit"; I would do a little bit of running, then freeweights; then push-ups; then sit-ups; then running; then freeweights; then push-ups, with stretching in between. This seemed to work really well!

- Must remember to wipe down mats before/after use.

- Treadmills are popular! I kept an eye on them as I did other exercises.

- I should try doing those "V" things; lay on my back, lift my legs by bending at the waist; extend my arms above my head; keeping both halves straight, reach hands to touch toes. They look very effective!

- I should try chin-ups if I can find a bar (that isn't surrounded by big burly men).

- Buy a lock. Lock rentals cost $1.

- I ate one banana before leaving the house.

--Charlie