I went to the doctor yesterday to get a note for work, and, more importantly, to find out what I've been sick with!
I never thought tonsillitis would include fever/chills and aches; but when I stop to think about the lymph nodes, it makes more sense.
Symphony
I took Kevin to the symphony on Friday. That was exciting!
During the Adagio, he started "fishing"--dozing with his head falling down and then pulling back up suddenly and repeating. And because he was nodding maybe 30 centimetres deep, I thought I'd save him from hitting his head on the people in front of him, by resting my head on his shoulder. Unfortunately he didn't realize he was supposed to lean back on me, so I had to manually tilt his head for him.
Tehee. He smells nice.
Kissing
Kay, so this is the (apparently) mandatory rant about my dating history and shit.
BackstoryEver since then, I've been afraid of kissing.
My first boyfriend happened in grade ten.
He had issues that he never brought up; and apparently these ran pretty deep and he eventually went on meds and would have gone to some therapist if he weren't "too smart for therapy" or something. My first kiss was with him, and it was frightening and much too erotic.
Our relationship deteriorated into make-outs.
Then, he disappeared. Seriously. He didn't come to class, and we couldn't talk. And anyway, we had only really talked through MSN anyway. And we also broke up through MSN. It was about 01:00 by the time I had asked him whether this was something we could work out or if we had to stop; and we had a Trigonometry test in the morning. I remember typing: "Damn. And we were so fucking happy. Well, I'm going to sleep so I can fail that Trig test with class." And then he typed: "Goodbye."
I think, maybe this is when I realized I would love Math so much.
I was so fuckin' angry at him for being so cool and fuckin' un-hurt, that I got 103% on that Trigonometry test.
It took so long before I could even function as a human being again. I was crazy with hurt. Not pain--because this was back when I was somewhat masochistic--hurt. Pain is a sensation. Hurt is a feeling.
Mostly, it was because nothing made sense--he fuckin' disappeared! Who the fuck does that?! How is that even possible?! He had said he loved me, we were so happy together. I understood for the first time what "puppy love" was. And then he disappeared?!
I realized, partially, what had happened. We had dipped into the erotic without anything to support it. We had no relationship, just make-outs.
My next two relationships collapsed for similar reasons.
With Mark, it was because I got scared shitless that I was now involved with someone and that he might vanish at any second, so I started doing stupid things that I never would have done otherwise. I became that teasy, touchy and coy "girlfriend" that I'd always hated. And, again, we had no relationship to stand on; so we broke up. And then we were both crazy so we tried getting back together a week later. That lasted less than 72 hours. We're now best buds!
With James--and I don't mean to blame him, but, he is illegible; completely unresponsive and unexpressive. And somehow he's in Theatre. I don't get it, I really don't. He's cute, and I fell for him because he came to me, and because we shared Honours Calculus. Seriously.
It was while I was going with him that I found out I have borderline hypothyroidism. Just borderline. I am chemically, just slightly depressed. And there was nothing he could do about it--which, I think, took him a while to figure out, because he'd try to "cheer me up" sometimes.
Of course, we were "happiest" when snuggling, and we had no relationship to back up our snuggling, so it became only snuggling. And I'm a Scorpio, and need emotional depth; I need to know what's going on in my lover's head, what sie's thinking and feeling and what sie wants and needs. I need to be able to affect hir.
In short: Charissa is afraid of kissing.
My co-worker has this t-shirt. It says, "Spooning leads to forking." Of course, I have to add, "Forking leads to--KNIFING!"
Kevin
Mark and I were talking about Kevin tonight--among other things, of course. He said that Kevin is just "book-smart" and has no emotional depth, nor personality, nor anything interesting about him.
But, he does have something else going for him. Kevin observes people. He studies people--maybe not as much as I (used to) do. Still, he can do amazing and convincing things with his body, because of it.
And--though maybe it's naive--I think that a person can only study people's movements for so long until sie develops intuition and emotional depth.
Kevin is very cerebral--which I love, generally. He's cerebral, and expressive, and sane. There's not much else I could ask for and reasonably expect to get!
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--Charissa
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